Euphemisms

I just listened to a podcast from Mike Rowe. You may know him from the Discovery Channel show Dirty Jobs. He does podcasts now, among other things. His latest podcast, number 38, is entitled "Self Abuse" in which he discusses the early 19th century masturbation scare. The podcast is only 10 minutes long, the first couple of minutes are a commercial. But the rest of the piece is funny if only for the sheer number of euphemisms he uses for masturbation.

I wrote them all down. Some I'd heard before, some were new to me, and I know a few more that he didn't use. But because I love you all, I have decided to share the list with you, you know, just in case you need a good masturbation euphemism. Let us begin:

self abuse
manual gratification
spilling the seed
shaking hands with the false prophet
burping the worm
kindling Satan's wood
rubbing the Buddha's belly
one-handed spear cleaning
slamming the ham
holding the sausage
flogging the bologna pony
beating the bishop
auditioning the hand puppet
the one gun salute
pounding the pulpit
badgering the witness
beating around the bush
corking his own bat*
pulling the golden goalie*
And after you've committed the act, you are covered in heathen stew.

*I may have misheard these. It sounded like he said "quirking his own bat" but "corking" makes more sense to me, and I'm not sure about that golden goalie.

P.S. I find it hard to believe that I didn't already have a label/tag for masturbation! I try to be so sex positive, another term for which I had to make a new label/tag.

The 2016-2017 Winter Holiday Gingerbread House

The original plan was to have it finished by Christmas. Turns out it was a much bigger endeavor than anticipated, and I finally finished it on January 2nd.

The construction process:

 I got half a dozen little battery operated tea lights to put inside the house. They've now been in there for about a week and aren't flickering much, but I'm impressed they lasted as long as they did.

This was the first plan for the back of the house. It didn't survive "contact with the enemy". 

 So I redesigned things and built it in five pieces

 The windows are made of clear hard candy. I put small pieces in the window holes and it melts together in a 350F degree oven. 

 Construction complete...

 See the little lights in the windows? 

Now to the decorations

Chimney details

 Front door and rainbow path to the door (that was Twitch's idea)

 The shrubbery is rice krispies with green food color and little red hot candies. The red hot candy also appears as a door knob. 

The back of the house

Details from the back

 This is a Cheeto snowman, in mockery of our president-elect.

 And there you have it. Happy New Year!