It's Official

I'm in love:



So cool. Okay, you win by getting married, so probably not for the feminists, but still. How often do you see one of your all-time favorite novels get made into a board game? The web site where you can order it is here.

Image credit: September 2015 issue of Victoria magazine.

The Game of Storytelling

I've finally found a game that can make a storyteller out of anyone: Levenger's Scheherazade Storytelling Game. Created for 2 or more players, the game comes packaged in a little Aladdin-styled shoe pouch and contains a one-minute egg timer, 125 picture tiles and the game rules sheet (which I scanned and posted here if you want to have a closer look.)

The object of Scheherazade is to see which player can use the tiles they draw to tell the longest story in one minute. Each player pulls ten tiles out of the pouch and places them face up, and then takes a turn telling a story inspired by the pictures on the tiles. Each tile used in the story is worth 10 points, and at the end of every round the players vote on who told the most interesting story, and the winner gets an additional 50 point bonus. If a player uses all ten tiles in a minute, they can draw more one at a time from the pouch until their turn is up. Any tiles that are not used during a player's turn are returned to the pouch, and all the tiles are returned to the pouch at the end of each round. There are also 5 special tiles featuring an image of Aladdin's lamp which the player can use like a wild card to represent whatever image they want.

Since there's no actual writing involved I think anyone can play this game, even kids (parents, please note that while the pictures on the tiles are G-rated, they are made of foam and would definitely be a choking hazard for children under the age of 3.) The pouch and its contents are very lightweight; I rolled up mine and stuck it in my purse, so I think it would travel well.



This game is a marvelous way to practice improvisational storytelling and give your imagination a real work-out. The fact that you draw the tiles at random and have only a minute to tell your story is a nice challenge without being too time-intensive. If I still belonged to a writer group I would definitely take something like this to the next meeting. I think it would also be a fun, interactive group activity for both writers and readers at conferences. To suit your particular group you might tweak the rules so that every story has to be told in a certain genre, or you could easily create some custom-designed tiles of your own to add to the pouch and present different challenges (what POV to tell the story in, setting, color themes, specific words; the sky's really the limit.) You could also hold a terrific live storytelling contest with this game.



Levenger currently has the Scheherazade Storytelling Game priced at $14.95 here, and I give it a great big PBW gold star for being fun, unique and quite affordable.

Name Sketching

This is a game you can play to exercise your storytelling powers and pick up some interesting character ideas at the same time. Using the white pages from a telephone book or an online name generator, randomly select and write down a list of ten names (to avoid using real names, I pick the surnames and first names separately and randomly pair them.)

Once you have them all jotted down, look at the name, imagine a person to go with it, and write a one-sentence description of who they are and/or what their story is.

Here's my list:

1. Elisabeth Raber: ordinary business woman by day, street artist by night. Likes to sketch people who are unaware of it and sells her artwork in her little gift shop. Unknowingly draws a portrait of an international hitman.

2. Hershel Sterry: Mortician, funeral director, protector of the dead. Hershel is the human embodiment of that ferryman who transports souls across the river Styx.

3. Courtney Hiott: Gorgeous, blonde, the Paris Hilton of her high school. Has just landed a promising modeling contract but has a terrible secret.

4. Paul Queler: average-looking, mild-mannered, nice guy whom everyone likes. I think he's Elisabeth Raber's hit man.

5. Millie Signorelli: A lovely middle-aged Italian lady who travels to the States to set up the American branch of her family's fashion design firm. Designs the most expensive purses in the world, but can never find her own.

6. Doug Taylor: Ambitious executive with a taste for low-grade blackmail, which backfires on him in a big way on a golf course.

7. Josephine Chatulani: a somewhat mysterious, temperamental islander who runs a ramshackle beachside cafe. Tells fortunes spontaneously. Her food always makes you happy.

8. Robert Oehling: Salesman, quick-talking, Bob to his friends, of which he has a thousand. Has to become a hostage negotiator when he accidentally walks into a bank robbery in progress.

9. Oswald Sarno: Officer Ozzie. Career patrolman, big guy, heart of gold. Looks after the elderly folks on his beat. Runs into the Angel of Death one night and arrests him.

10. Cedric Winterfield: born silver spoon in mouth; he definitely has a III after that last name. His grandfather made his fortune in something very unsavory, like strip-mining. Falls in love with a homeless girl who wants nothing to do with him.

Related Links:

Kleimo's Random Name Generator ~ Name Nerds! ~ PBW's The Namator Game, Namely Ten, Ten Things to Help You with Naming Characters, and What's in a Name? posts ~ Seventh Sanctum's Page of Name Generators

Hands-On Writer Tools

I often see inspirational and how-to writers' kits at the book store, and occasionally I'll pick up one to play with and see if it does anything for me. Most are good for sparking an idea here and there but rarely go the distance.

My latest acquisition is The Writer's Toolbox by Jamie Cat Callan, published by Chronicle Books. At $24.95 list price it's a bit expensive, but B&N.com has it new for $19.98 and used for less than ten bucks. One thing I did like was seeing a photo of the box's contents on the back, which I find reassuring (I don't like buying a kit that I can't open to see what's inside, and like most kits this one is shrink-wrapped to protect the contents.)

Roughly about the same size as a cigar box, The Writer's Toolbox was nicely packed with a variety of interesting stuff. There's a slim book that explains how to use all the components with various writing games and exercises, a deck of Sixth Sense Cards, four different story element wheels, three sets of Popsicle sticks with different phrases printed on them, and a mini hourglass (just like those old-fashioned three-minute egg timers our Moms used to use before digital everything.)

I skimmed through the book, which had a lot of narrative about writing, some very brief instructions on how to use the kit via various games and exercises, and example stories that had been written using the kit. Being more of a card person, I personally tried out the game for the Sixth-Sense cards (and a quick user tip -- don't discard the strip of paper bound around the cards because when you put them back loose and then try again to get them out of the box's niche they all don't want to come out.)

The game is to shuffle the cards, select three and place them face-down, then turn over the first card and write for three minutes. My first card read: your mother's pearls and here's what I wrote in three minutes (all of my examples are the first drafts, so don't expect perfection):

I kept a polite face on as my father introduced me to Darla, his personal assistant. She had seven feet of legs and one inch of forehead, the latter probably being slowly crushed by the lacquered weight of her Dolly Parton hair.

I listened to her breathy small talk for as long as it took me to study her pinched-waisted fuchsia jacket, the breast augmentations testing the elasticity of the white polyester shell beneath, and the matched pink perfection of her necklace. Then I excused me and my father, steered the old man into his office and shut the door on Darla's .

"Dad," I said, mostly through my teeth, "Why is your bimbo wearing my mother's pearls?"

The game continued with turning over the second card, which read orange spray paint, which reminded me of some real life experiences. Here's the bit of nonfic I wrote in three minutes:

The last time I saw orange spray paint was in L.A., along with blue spray paint, black, white, green, and every other color of the rainbow. In some neighborhoods you couldn't see a building that hadn't been tagged by some kid with a can and too much time on his hands at three a.m. on a school night.

Every so often we'd get a call to a scene of an apparent jumper, only to hear later from the police that the victim was a tagger who had slipped off whatever bridge, building or billboard he was adorning with his handle. Falling to your death, now, that's suffering for your art.

And finally, the third card to be turned over read: the sound of the dishwasher, and the final three-minute round. This time I tried writing a quick poem:

The dishwasher is much faster
he tells me again
what he means is it's safer
and won't cause me pain.
I've handwashed our dishes since '92
since the day we got married
it's one small thing I could do
not a burden I carried.

You load it like this
he says as he shows
how much room that it has
and where everything goes.
What he means is it's faster
it won't drop things or bleed
nothing for it to master
it just does what we need.

I stand back and watch him
as he turns the dial
and wait for the hum
with a plastered-on smile.
There's the sound of a wheeze
and then nothing comes from it.
He finds the motor has seized
because I've never used it.

The game was a lot of fun, especially using the timer and trying different forms for each card. As a writer I don't need a lot of explanation or examples; I'd rather get right to the games and exercises. But for a beginning writer, or someone who is dealing with major writer's block, this kit might just be a perfect fit.

Keepers

I think the books we love say something about who we are as well as what we like to read. I play a game with student groups called "Keepers" where the kids write down the titles of three of their keepers on a piece of paper and then drop them in a hat. I draw the slips and try to guess which keepers belong to which kid (which is harder than it sounds.) If I guess correctly, the hat goes to the kid whose keepers I guessed, and they start guessing until they match someone with their keepers. This is a lot of fun to do with fellow writers, too, if you're looking for an idea for your next chapter meeting.

Today I'd like to do a spin on this game, and invite everyone to list in comments three keepers in your collection that you think illustrate something about who you are as a writer or a reader (and you don't have to explain them if you'd rather not.)

I'll go first:

1. e.e. cummings Complete Poems 1904-1962 edited by George J. Firmage

e.e. cummings and I have a very weird artistic connection; his poetry bailed me out of a couple thousand bad moments in my writing life. I think he's the only poet I've ever read who writes as contrary and subversive as I feel.

2. Life in Biblical Israel by Philip J. King and Lawrence E. Stager

My wubby book; the one I read when I want to remind myself of where I've been/where I am/where I'm going. A brilliant, flawless, compassionate, detailed, accurate history of people living in interesting times -- all the good things I love and love to write are wrapped up in this one.

3. Genetics manual ~ Current Theory, Concepts, Terms by George P. Rédei

This one is more of a textbook, and an outdated one at that, but meticulously written and organized, and utterly ruthless about the topic. This book illustrates the great extremes of our species' character, and how easy it can be to let your focus blind you. Like me, kind of a cautionary tale.

So what are your three keepers?

Story By Name Game

This is a writing game I play with high school students to teach bare bones story plotting minus the usual headaches (teachers, it works best if you do it on the classroom chalk or white board with verbal participation from the class.)

1. Take your local phone book and find five random listings for couples and write down their first names, then select five surnames at random from different pages and assign them to your couples:

Gary & Priscilla Durkin
Terry & Carla Lindsley
Phillip & Dorothy Johnson
Hugh & Alice Cherveny
Clyde & Harriett Maples

2. Pick five major (as in life-changing) events that routinely happen to couples, and assign one to each of your couples (you can do this at random or by what feels right for each couple):

Just married -- Terry & Carla Lindsley
Pending divorce -- Phillip & Dorothy Johnson
New baby -- Gary & Priscilla Durkin
50th wedding anniversay -- Clyde & Harriet Maples
Midlife crisis -- Hugh & Alice Cherveny

3. Choose a primary conflict for each of your couples (this can be about the major event, the couple, or totally unrelated) and add that to your description:

Just married -- Terry & Carla Lindsley: Their marriage is about to be invalidated as both partners are female.

Pending divorce -- Phillip & Dorothy Johnson: Phillip has a serious car accident on the way to court.

New baby -- Gary & Priscilla Durkin: Gary loses his job on the day Priscilla reveals that she's pregnant again.

50th wedding anniversay -- Clyde & Harriet Maples: At the big anniversary party, Clyde is exposed as a bigamist.

Midlife crisis -- Hugh & Alice Cherveny: Alice discovers that Hugh has a young mistress.

4. Now, add another complication, but this time choose one that ties the couple's major event to their primary conflict:

Just married -- Terry & Carla Lindsley: Their marriage is about to be invalidated as both partners are female; Terry reveals that she was biologically male before having gender correction surgery.

Pending divorce -- Phillip & Dorothy Johnson: Phillip has a serious car accident on the way to court; Dorothy discovers she is the only person in the immediate area who shares his rare blood type.

New baby -- Gary & Priscilla Durkin: Gary loses his job on the day Priscilla reveals that she's pregnant again; Priscilla must tell Gary that the new baby isn't his.

50th wedding anniversay -- Clyde & Harriet Maples: At the big anniversary party, Clyde is exposed as a bigamist; Harriet reveals that she has terminal cancer.

Midlife crisis -- Hugh & Alice Cherveny: Alice discovers that Hugh has a young mistress; Hugh finds Alice attempting suicide.

5. Using the major event, primary conflict and complication, decide on a resolution for each couple's story:

Just married -- Terry & Carla Lindsley: Their marriage is about to be invalidated as both partners are female; Terry reveals that she was biologically male before having gender correction surgery. Carla divorces Terry, and then has Terry dress in male drag and use her former male identity so they may legally remarry.

Pending divorce -- Phillip & Dorothy Johnson: Phillip has a serious car accident on the way to court; Dorothy discovers she is the only person in town who shares his rare blood type. Dorothy donates enough blood to save Phillip's life; he gratefully gives her his power of attorney to handle things during his recovery. Dorothy uses it to take all of his assets, pay off the man she hired to sabotage Phillip's car, and leaves the country.

New baby -- Gary & Priscilla Durkin: Gary loses his job on the day Priscilla reveals that she's pregnant again; Priscilla must tell Gary that the new baby isn't his. Gary assures Priscilla that he still loves her and will stay with her, and then quietly blackmails the new baby's father into paying them a large monthly support check.

50th wedding anniversay -- Clyde & Harriet Maples: At the big anniversary party, Clyde is exposed as a bigamist; Harriet reveals that she has terminal cancer. Harriett suggests Clyde's other wife move in with them.

Midlife crisis -- Hugh & Alice Cherveny: Alice discovers that Hugh has a young mistress; Hugh finds Alice attempting suicide. Hugh kills Alice, making it look like the suicide was successful, but is caught by the police when his frightened mistress blows the whistle on him.

At the end of the game, you've got the basic material for five stories. You can also use the Story by Name game for single characters, to add depth to your characterizations, or to create backstories. You can also adjust each step of the game according to specific elements that your story needs: the couple can be replaced by a protagonist and antagonist; the major event can be changed to a historic event; you can use multiple complications, etc.

Map Your Authors

Marek Gibney's Literature-Map, part of his online A.I. project Gnooks and Gnod, is a bit like the Visual Thesaurus, only with author names instead of synonyms.

Now, if I'm interpreting this map correctly, readers of my Lynn Viehl novels are more likely to also read Kresley Cole, J.R. Ward, Ginna Gray and Judith Ivory (these being the names closest to mine in the middle) and not as likely to read Julie Garwood, Jim Butcher or Christine Feehan. I don't know how accurate that is, but to keep my ego in check, none of my other pseudonyms made the map.

Also, as my good deed for the day: Online book cataloguing heaven LibraryThing is giving away free ARCs of books to folks interested in reviewing them -- see details, requirements, and the list of currently available ARC titles here.

There Can Be Only One

Thanks to Rosina Lippi, I've become hooked on One Sentence, a site devoted to telling true stories in one sentence. These extremely short stories range from the funny and silly to the touching and tragic, but most of them share one thing in common: they make an instant connection to the reader.

The one that got me on my first look: As a kid dripping in mud, I couldn’t see why bringing four frogs home in a zip lock bag was bad idea. — Cam. That brought back a lot of memories of my daughter, who never met a reptile she didn't like. After school I used to have to take her lunchbox outside before I opened it, just in case she brought home a new friend.

Novelists are spoiled by the fact that we usually have four or five hundred manuscript pages to tell our stories, so I think this is an excellent writing exercise. Here are a couple of mine:

I couldn't stop CPR long enough to convince one of the morons standing around and watching me to call 911.

It rained on our first date and on the last day of our marriage.

He kept bugging me to sign their stock until he saw that my kid had to hold the pen for me just so I could sign the credit card slip.

All right, you guys, it's your turn -- post your one-sentence story in comments.

One Line Characterizations

(Note: After several years of successfully dodging colds, I finally got caught by one. I'll live, but the accompnaying sore throat is making it tough to use the VRS for any length of time. Posting will likely be delayed or late until I get my voice back.)

One-liners as characterizations is a traditional form of verbal short-hand in the southern U.S. We considered it witty to offer a short anecdote or observation on a person in such a way that can be later expanded into a proper yarn, if need be. Most folks dismiss them as sayings or colloquialisms, but while they're usually joke-funny, they're also often painfully accurate:

She fell outta the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

He's busier than a one-legged man at an ass-kicking contest.

I don't know what sent her over the edge, but in that family, it doesn't take a real hard push.

He's got two ways of fixing things: do-nothin' or duct tape.

That girl would screw a snake if you held the head.

Most often the one-liner characterization is best delivered in dialogue, as it is an observation or gossip, but it works in the narrative, too. It takes a little investment of trust in the reader to "get" a description that isn't a typical recital of physical attributes, but with the right words you can prompt the reader's imagination to fill in the blanks.

With this sort of characterization, there is the temptation to use an easy, cliche analogy: as fast as greased lightning, dumber than a post, crazy as a fox. You can use cliches as practice by taking them, shaking them, and turning them into something new, like as fast as TV preachers go to Hell, dumber than invading Antarctica, and crazy as a dog after a treed squirrel.

You don't need to resort to the classic analogy form for a one-line characterization, either. Claes, a character who could rightly be described as a tall, sturdy, muscular, brown-haired youth who seemed immovable and unbending, yet who still possessed adorable, boyish indentations in his cheeks becomes in Dorothy Dunnet's hands an oak tree with dimples (Niccolo Rising.)

Your assignment today: in comments, give us a one-line characterization describing one of your characters, or a character from your favorite book.

Dictionary: Impossible

Let's play Dictionary: Impossible.

Writers, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take out your dictionary and flip through it, then stop on any page at random. Write down the first word you see. Repeat until you have a list of ten words.

subculture
cemetery
excessive
steamroller
nag
cocktail
impute
underproof
borough
nonage

Level 1: Create at least three novel titles using only the words on your list (a, an, the, and other simple words can be added for style.) You have five minutes to complete this level.

Borough Cemetery
An Underproof Cocktail
The Nag
Excessive Nonage
Steamroller Subculture

Level 2: Create a story premise for the titles you've created from your list. If you get caught on this level, PBW will disavow any knowledge of you.

Borough Cemetery: Citizens of a fortified medieval city discover the victims of a strange plague won't stay in their graves.

An Underproof Cocktail: Farmer Bubba's miracle cherries were supposed to soak up the alcohol from the youngsters' drinks, not turn the teens into killer zombies.

The Nag: She knew he loved her; all he needed was a little half-hourly reminder to show it.

Excessive Nonage: How many times could one demi-goddess cheerleader turn sweet sixteen?

Steamroller Subculture: Homeboy heavy equipment operators battle a demon road crew paving the way to hell.

Level 3: Write an opening line for the title/story premises you've created. Should you decide to continue on with the mission, you have exactly thirty minutes to complete this level.

Borough Cemetery

The Baron would have blamed it all on the gravediggers, but theirs were the first bodies left in pieces outside the city's gates.

An Underproof Cocktail

Seein' pictures of that college fella usin' clay teabags to soak up poison outta bad drinkin' water were what gave me the original idear.

The Nag

She'd left him her phone number, written on his bathroom mirror in red lipstick along with a kiss-print and CALL ME LATER.

Excessive Nonage

"Diana Hunter made the squad?" Heather, who had not, turned purple under her crystal rose blush. "She only moved to town like two minutes ago."

Steamroller Subculture

Bodeen climbed down from the barricade truck and walked over to inspect the surveyor's mangled, bloodstained tripod. "Somebody let Julio back up the dozer again?"

Level 4: Write the story to go with one of your opening lines, premises and titles. You may take as much time as you need, but remember that any idea may self-destruct in as little as ten seconds.

Level 5: Write the stories to go with all of them, and you win Dictionary: Impossible.

Sing Me

Today's assignment: post the title of a song in comments that best illustrates how your writing or your life is going right now.

Mine is So Far Away by Staind from their album 14 Shades of Gray, more for the feeling of the music versus the actual lyrics.

Match Game

Let's play a game: see if you can match the writer to the fact:

1. Wrote one very popular novel in nine days on a rented typewriter.

2. Chose "Pansy" as the original title for their debut novel.

3. Penned this first book in an infamous series to stop from thinking about an upcoming marriage.

4. Quit working as general manager of a $30 million dollar company after a mid-life crisis in order to write.

5. Wrote in longhand while standing up at a tall desk.

6. Worked for several years as art editor for a national award-winning literary magazine.

7. Paid an editor to take off six months to collaborate on their debut novel.

8. Had a spouse who packed up and subsequently lost the only copies of unpublished manuscripts for eleven stories, one novel, and a number of poems.

9. Wrote with a quill pen dipped in ink.

10. After writing a first novel with a 5K first print run, wrote a second novel that spent 47 weeks on the New York Times besteller list.

A. Margaret Mitchell
B. Ian Fleming
C. Ernest Hemingway
D. PBW
E. Shelby Foote
F. John Grisham
G. Harper Lee
H. George Pelecanos
I. Ray Bradbury
J. Eugene O'Neill

No Googling, now -- and answers will be provided later today in comments.

Title Search

Here's a title-and-hook-line practice game: sit in any place in your house where you're surrounded by things with words on them (garage, storage room, library, home office, etc.) Make a list of random words that you see around you (don't take titles off the spines of books.)

Here's my list of words from the garage:

Old Locks (hand-written on cardboard box)
Wonder Wind (extension cord winder; "er" from "winder" is worn off)
Running Men (shoe box)
Just for Thought (old note stuck to bulletin board)
Venezia Spell (paint chip folder)
Landmark (fan box)
Without Rain (cracked CD case with fragment of insert, Enya? maybe)
Nom 166 (Dell computer box)
Gem of Truth (one or the kids' RPG cards)
Just a Click Away (end of photo package)
To Her Desires (beginning of last line on cover copy of old novel I'm reading)

Now, take your title words and imagine a story for them -- doesn't have to be a novel, just a story idea -- and write a premise or hook line for it:

Old Locks: Grandma meets the three bears.
Wonder Wind: How fast will Timmy's new bike go?
Running Men: In this race, there is no second place.
Just for Thought: Before you leave me, let me tell you why you shouldn't.
Venezia Spell: Never cast a stone spell in a glass castle.
Landmark: What could have scorched through the corn field like that?Without Rain: Forty nights in the devil's desert.
Nom 166: 500 more days and the AntiChrist arrives.
Gem of Truth: John and Marcia must save mystic gem from murderous thief.
Just a Click Away: Falling in cyberlove.
To Her Desires: Everything must be, or else.

You can also pick up title words and phrases from the Yellow Pages or telephone directory, things you hear people say, billboards, street signs or greeting cards. Look around you right now: what words do you see that you can make into a title and hook line? Post yours in comments.

What's in a Name?

Here's a writing exercise/game I've played with writing students that can help prod the imagination and sharpen your characterization skills, as well as give you a little insight into your own assumptions.

Go to a random name generator site, like Kleimo's, and generate a short list of names. At Kleimo, you can pick males, females, or a mix of both, as well as an obscurity factor of 1 (most common) to 99 (completely obscure.) Here's one, a mix with an obscurity factor of 20:

Earnestine Trower
Clayton Gamet
Katy Raggs
Mathew Nakasone
Nannie Schrum

Step 1: Write a line or two of story for each name. This can be a bit of dialogue, physical description, occupation, current life situation, or whatever the name itself suggests to you about the person who owns it. Just write down the first thing you think up:

Earnestine Trower kept her sensible shoes tightly laced, her white starched blouses buttoned up to her chin, and her hair so lacquered that it doubled as a safety helmet.

I suspected Clayton Gamet had been carousing out in our pasture at midnight again. Boy never seemed to sleep. But why had he spray-painted them red hearts on Pa's cows?

"Don't you love it?" Taylor spun around in a froth of pink tulle and black satin. "I bought it at Katy Raggs' boutique. Who'd have thought that dull little mouse could design something like this?"

I knew Mathew Nakasone was carrying at least five weapons and as many fake passports, but did I want to arrest him in the middle of his sister's wedding, or wait until he tried to slip out during the reception?

"Mummy, must we have Nannie Schrum to sit with us? She drinks all of Daddy's gin and then puts on his stripey pants and your hoop earrings and makes us sing pirate songs."

Step 2: Look over your name/story associations and see if you can recognize what made you make that particular association:

Earnestine sounds old-fashioned and unattractive, the combo of which makes me think uptight, rigid, controlled.

Every Clay I've ever known was a carouser and a fool for love.

Raggs to riches as well as rags in the expensive, useless objects that feed the vanity sense of the word; I don't like it when people call my daughter Katy.

Mathew's name triggered a strong image of a lean, dark, felonious multiracial cat burglar.

Nannie Schrum made me think of a bargain basement Mary Poppins and the -rum part of the name kicked in the alcoholic image.

Step 3: Now that you have a fair idea of the assumptions you make based on a name, take the same names, flip the character you created in the first step 360 degrees, and write another line or two of story:

You wouldn't know by looking at Earnestine Trower's bountiful, beautiful rack that she also came with a nice-size pool cue.

My Aunt Ruth claimed Old Man Gamet's Christian name was Clayton, but we kids were convinced that the nasty geezer had been born long before Christ, or maybe had even killed him.

The smallest cardboard box in Bender Alley belonged to Katy Raggs, judging by the three shopping carts of old clothes parked outside it.

"Cardinal Mathew Nakasone," I read from the candidate list. "Japanese-American, born in an internment camp, parents killed there, adopted and raised by Jesuits. Now he might make an interesting Pope."

"Come in, my pretty darlings," the elderly woman crooned as she beckoned from the door of the gingerbread house. "Old Nannie Schrum loves children to visit!"

Got Game?

To cheer up a friend, I invented a game called Amazon.com Review Poker. It worked so well that he asked me to blog about it, so if you're interested in a completely corrupt and thoroughly enjoyable game, here's how you play:

Two player game: each player goes to their or another author's book sale page at Amazon.com with at least 26 or more reviews. The reviews are the cards. Print them out, cut them up into slips, shuffle them, and place them face-down on your desk. The other player does the same with his reviews. Draw five reviews and start to play.

To determine the suit of each card:

1 star = Clubs
2 stars = Spades
3 stars = Diamonds
4 stars = Hearts
5 stars (or if you want a fast game, any review by Harriet Klausner) = Wildcard

To determine the rank number of your card, count the number of misspelled words in the review. If there are no misspelled words, then the review is a royal, as follows:

Jack = review 1 paragraph in length, or with no paragraph breaks
Queen = 2 paragraphs in length
King = 3 paragraphs in length
Ace = 4 or more paragraphs in length

The hands are the same as classic poker:

Straight flush (five cards of the same suit and sequence, Ace low or high)
Fours (four cards of the same rank, as J-J-J-J-2)
Full house (three of one rank and two of another, as K-K-K-6-6)
Flush (five cards of the same suit but not in sequence, as Q-10-7-5-2)
Straight (five cards in sequence but not of the same suit, as 9-8-7-6-5)
Three of a kind (three of the same rank plus two of two different ranks, as 4-4-4-3-9)
Two pair (as K-K-5-5-10)
One pair (as 2-2-J-4-9)

We play via e-mail, but you can do this in person, and with a larger group of players, too (in which case, put all the cards together to make a full deck as in traditional poker.) To make it fun (and keep it fair), you should not read the reviews or figure out in advance the rank/suit of your cards. As for stakes, I suggest page wagers (number of manuscript or galley pages to be proof-read by the loser.)

Match Game

Just for fun, match the rejection with the author who received it (and no Googling):

1. "We are not interested in science fiction which deals with negative utopias. They do not sell."

2. "We found the heroine as boring as her husband had."

3. "This is a work of almost-genius – genius in the power of its expression – almost in the sense of its enormous bitterness. I wish there were an audience for a book of this kind. But there isn’t. It won’t sell."

4. "It is impossible to sell animal stories in the U.S.A."

5. "I am sorry, [author's name], but you just do not know how to use the English language."

6. "The book is so endlessly complicated by details of reference and information, the interim legends become so much of a nuisance despite their relevance, that the very action of the story seems to be to become hopelessly bogged down and the book, eventually, unreadable."

7. "I loved it. I stayed up all night reading it. There is no way in hell we can publish this."

8. "My dear fellow, I may be dead from the neck up, but rack my brains as I may I can't see why a chap should need thirty pages to describe how he turns over in bed before going to sleep."

9. "...too different from other [genre] on the market to warrant its selling."

10. "Get rid of the Indian stuff."


The authors:

A. Rudyard Kipling
B. George Orwell
C. Dr. Seuss
D. Marcel Proust
E. Ayn Rand
F. Ursula K. Le Guin
G. Stephen King
H. Tony Hillerman
I. Mary Higgins Clark
J. PBW

(Correct answers will be provided in comments later today)