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Weak VI

5 February 2010

No. 1,891 (cartoon)

Piss off.

Fuck off.

Piss on.

6 February 2010

Thoroughly Irritating

Wanda watched my latest film this afternoon. Or, more accurately, she watched the first thirty seconds or so.

“That’s completely annoying!” she announced as she turned it off.

“If you think his films are completely annoying,” Joel interjected, “you should hear his music!”

I smiled; I may have even blushed a little. I try to be self-effacing, but it would be false modesty to suggest that I’d failed in my quest to make thoroughly irritating films and music.

7 February 2010

Full Moon Story

There will be a full moon the last day of this month. Another month with another full moon, it happens all the time.

Well, almost all the time. There was no full moon in February, 1865. I read that’s the only time in recorded history that happened. (Didn’t happen?)

I’m not sure how recorded history is defined. In this case, I’d think recorded history would be irrelevant, since I presume a computer program could determine the dates of all full moons for the last few millennia. On the other hand, months are defined by politics and religion, not celestial certainty. For example, humanity lost ten calendar days in 1582 when Pope Gregory XIII replaced the Julian calendar with the his eponymous Gregorian calendar.

I’m not going to waste time examining whether there’s more than one month without a full moon; I have far less consequential matters to investigate.

8 February 2010

Num Num Cheese!

For reasons that have no apparent reason, people include silly pictures as addenda to their email notes. One image I see frequently is, “creepy bread girl.” The illustration features a five-year-old girl in an advertisement from the fifties. She has a perverse smile, as if she was the spawn of the devil herself. She’s smiling her evil little smile whilst admiring a grilled cheese sandwich. Demon child with a lethal dose of cholesterol, what’s not to love?

But then ...

Stephan sent me a note with an image of creepy bread girl, but in this version she’s lusting after a slice of bread half-covered in strawberry jam. Both sandwiches are made from, “Enriched Bread Wrapped in Cellophane,” but the loaves are not identical.

One is labeled Cellophane; its main selling point is that the transparent wrapper, “Lets you see exactly the Loaf you want.” The Cheesy Good loaf provides, “Num num cheese!” and is “98% delicious!!” (I wonder what comprises the other two percent?)

Anyone can easily duplicate and manipulate photographs on a computer, so I appreciate these images in large part because this kitsch was made with scissors, glue, and craftsmanship.

Num num cheese!

9 February 2010

The My Way Murders

Steve told me some time ago that anyone except Frank Sinatra who sings My Way dies. Steve’s dead; I wonder if he sang Paul Anka’s mawkish song?

Empirical evidence suggests that Steve may have been right. Over a dozen people have been murdered in the Philippines after singing My Way in karaoke bars. The news report I read didn’t provide detailed statistics, but the spate of killings suggests that critics should not be armed.

Curse or no curse, I avoid My Way like the schmaltz plague it is, unless, of course, the very late Sid Vicious is snarling it.

10 February 2010

Glasses Instructions, and Lack Thereof

Once upon a time, a friend of mine had affair with the late Ted Kennedy. (In the interest of historical accuracy, I’m obliged to report that he was alive at the time.) He accidentally left his glasses on her nightstand, so she called the senator’s office the next day to offer to return them.

“Don’t bother,” the staffer told her with a laugh, “he always does that. We buy his glasses by the case.”

I learned a lesson from that, so I buy my inexpensive reading glasses by the dozen. I’m always losing them, even though I’ve never had an affair.

My most recent reading glasses came with cases, and the cases came with helpful instructions.

HOW TO USE THIS CASE

STEP ONE
Open case and inserts glasses with the lens downward

STEP TWO
Close lid until it magnetically shuts

Curiously, the case contains no documentation on how to open it and remove the glasses, nor is there even a hint on how to use them. And most significantly for me, there was no suggestion about how not to lose them.

11 February 2010

Diverse Objectionable Qualities

I went to a remarkable opening in North Beach tonight: the gallery offered salmon sandwiches as well as the obligatory cases of wine. I’ve never see that before, and probably never will again. Tasty!

The food was exceptional, but most of the art was not. I liked Richard Mackota’s work, but not the titles he chose. I think Mackota showed great maturity by giving everyone something different to dislike. I must take a lesson from him and diversify the objectionable qualities of my work.

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©2010 David Glenn Rinehart