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Weak IX

26 February 2021

No. 4,185 (cartoon)

I have terminal cirrhosis.

I knew that the answer to your problems was inside you.

27 February 2021

Faux Photography

When it comes to dry humor, public relations flacks are hard to top. Here’s the latest press release to make me laugh: “Leica has announced a limited-edition exclusive variant of the Q2 camera: the Daniel Craig x Greg Williams Limited Edition.” I shall now translate ...

Daniel Craig is an actor who portrays a fictional spy, James Bond. Greg Williams is a photographer who has documented the imaginary adventures of the make-believe secret agent. They helped “conceptualize the design” of the seven-thousand-dollar limited-edition camera. In other words, they had a few drinks with real designers, then headed to the bank to cash the checks from their lucrative licensing agreement.

Before I continue with my jolly rant, I should describe the technical improvements and advantages of the new camera. It won’t take long: there are none. It’s the same camera that’s been available for years; the marketing department just figuratively and literally reskinned it with, a “Napa calfskin leather [strap] that has been gently dyed with plant-based agents,” “engravings inlaid with gold paint,” and “grippy leather trim ... textured with an exclusive diamond pattern.”

The “grippy leather” is misleading, though, as the camera isn’t intended to be taken out of its “specially designed hinged-lid presentation box with gold lettering and black silk lining” except to fondle and admire like the precious piece of photographic jewelry it is.

And there you have it: a pretend camera for pretend photographers “conceptualized” by a pretend journalist documenting the pretend adventures of a pretend secret agent.

I’m going to complete the circle by pretending it’s a brilliant piece of conceptual art instead of a cynical marketing scheme to relieve stupid people with too much money of some of their excess wealth.

28 February 2021

You Will Not Live to Hear the Thunder

The next time you see lightning you will not live to hear the thunder.

Think about it.

. . .

Now stop thinking about it.

Isn’t that a great sentence! That has to be one of the best sentences I’ve ever read. And yes, possibly one of the best ones I’ve ever written. Yep, that’s mine!

You’ll be able to find it in the Sentence Hall of Fame once there is one. But until then, what do I do with it?

It would make a great fortune cookie, but they don’t exist anymore. They’ve been replaced by truism cookies, e.g., “the morning sun shines brightest on the dung beetle facing east.” The only company that made misfortune cookies went out of business, and that’s that.

It’s a sentence that any fortuneteller or psychic could use, but with such a huge library of cosmic debris in the public domain they’re not going to pay for new material.

A great writer could build a short story around that, and a brilliant writer could use it as the cornerstone of a novel. But that’s not me.

I don’t think I’ve ever written anything longer than ten paragraphs, so it’s time to go now.

And the next time you see lightning ... don’t worry about it.

1 March 2021

Half-Past Soon and a Quarter to Later

Michelle asked what time she should show up for lunch at my studio tomorrow.

“Anytime between half-past soon and a quarter to later will be fine,” I replied.

“I need you to be more specific,” she insisted, “I want to be on time.”

“On time is when you get here,” I explained.

“I’ll be there promptly at noon,” she announced.

And that was that.

I love Michelle, but she’s failed to grasp Coronarama scheduling: we’re getting older, but time is standing still.

2 March 2021

Alternative Dead Horse Strategies

Horse lovers around the world are denouncing Gordon Elliott, an Irish horse trainer, for his shockingly stupid behavior. I thought that they were overreacting until I saw the offensive photograph of Elliot sitting on a dead horse, cheerfully chatting on the phone.

What sane, civilized person would not be infuriated by such madness? (That’s Elliot’s description.) Every right-thinking person knows that when the horse is dead you get off it.

Things would have been much different if Elliot had read Kermit Evans’ twenty alternatives to sitting on a dead horse that I published on 22 November 1999:

1. Changing riders.

2. Buying a stronger whip.

3. Falling back on: “This is the way we’ve always ridden.”

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging a visit to other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Increasing the standards for riding dead horses.

7. Appointing a group to revive the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to improve riding skills.

9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today’s environment.

10. Changing the requirements so that the horse no longer meets the standard of dead.

11. Hiring an external consultant to show how a dead horse can be ridden.

12. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

13. Increasing funding to improve the horse’s performance.

14. Declaring that no horse is too dead to beat.

15. Doing a study to see if outsourcing will reduce the cost of riding a dead horse.

16. Buying a computer program to enhance dead horse performance.

17. Declaring a dead horse less costly than a live one.

18. Forming a workgroup to find uses for dead horses.

19. Changing performance requirements for the horse.

20. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

I am a cheerfully unstable person, but anyone who frequents horse stables is welcome to print this and post it conspicuously in and around the barns they frequent.

3 March 2021

Happy Liberation Day!

Lisitsa told me that today is Liberation Day in Bulgaria; I can take the day off along with everyone else. Although I never need an excuse to do nothing, I checked and she was right; the Day of Liberation of Bulgaria from the Ottoman Dominion is indeed a bona fide holiday. Getting rid of the damned Turks after half a millennium is certainly something to celebrate.

During the course of thirty-seven seconds of diligent research, I came across a Ministry of Defense of Bulgaria photo of the Bulgarian National Guards commemorating the event in what appears to be their dress uniforms. I’ve seen wild military regalia, but nothing like this: each soldier had a huge feather sticking out of the top of his hat; each one looks like it’s at least half a meter tall. (The feather that is; the fighters are considerably larger.)

This observation may come from all the cartoons I’ve watched in my life, but that seems like a very effective outfit. Who could resist aiming that the plumage since it’s such a tempting target?

Here’s to the Bulgarians with a feather in their caps, and good riddance to five centuries of bad Turkish rubbish!

4 March 2021

Great Advice Misinterpreted

I’m sure Andy is a Premium Platinum Premiere member of the Mystic of the Month Club if there is such a thing. He started to tell me about the Dharmaguptakas, but I stopped him before he could drone on about the metaphysical aspects of a practice he’ll abandon in a few months, just like all the others.

I asked him a question I should have asked a long time ago: how did someone who was born and raised in Smileyberg, Kansas, end up spending his life shopping for enlightenment?

I was shocked when he said he started down his spiritual path as a teenager after listening to Bryan Ferry’s song, Editions of You.

Wait, what?!

He explained that one line changed his life: “Learn from your mystics is my only advice.”

I thanked him for that insight without laughing, which was quite a challenge. The actual lyrics are, ”Learn from your mistakes is my only advice.” I wonder if I should tell him?

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