I'm going through the toughest breakup of my life right now. It's gotten so bad that I am having a tough time sleeping at night. So I'm back to the old blog to try and figure things out. Let me recap this story for you, and then feel free to chime in with advice or opinions - I'm coming up empty when I try and see my way through this one.
Adam and I met about 8 months ago on OkCupid. Don't worry, that's a pseudonym to protect his privacy. Our first date was always going to be pretty memorable to me, for multiple reasons. For starters, I got to the bar about 10 minutes early. Just after I had started on my drink, I heard someone shout "Danimal!!!" and run over to give me a hug. Two co-workers had just dropped into a gay bar, in downtown LA! Of course, just as I was explaining to them that I was there for a date - Adam arrived. It was a cute and funny moment of me trying to quickly segue out of one conversation to go meet Adam and not have him awkwardly standing around alone in the bar. We had a great date that night, we visited two different bars, ended up making out a little bit, he couldn't find his credit card after we left the bar, and then he offered to drive me home because I had taken the red line downtown. Most of you can probably figure out what happened at that point. :)
At the time, I was pretty convinced that Adam was not a long-term match for me. Yes he was cute and we got along well, but I just felt like it wasn't perfect. And I was up front and honest with him from the very beginning. He wanted to do dinner and a movie a few days later, and I explained to him that I was just starting to date again, and wanted to date lots of different guys while I tried to figure out how things were going to work. So the dinner and the movie didn't happen, but we stayed in touch, and a week or two later we went out for drinks in West Hollywood. We had another great night of conversation, but towards the end I was a little too drunk to think clearly. Adam was making a hard case for why we should date, and I just wanted to hang out and enjoy things as they were. So the next day with a clearer mind I had to explain again, that I really was just interested in being friends.
So we made the friendship thing work for several months. I invited him to hike Inspiration Point with me, and we had a great time and more amazing conversation. We also went back to weho a few more times without crossing the line, and we're starting to form a pretty good friendship. During the last few weeks of this time period I was working on a dating show, and so I spent pretty much 10 hours everyday contemplating what I wanted from a relationship, what dating should be like, and where I was going in life. I actually told Adam that I was starting to wonder if I had made a mistake by not dating him and giving him more of a serious chance. And then a few weeks later we hung out in West Hollywood again as friends. At the end of the night Adam dropped me off at my place, and left to drive back to his suburb. But after being at home for 5 minutes I got a text from him asking if it was bad that he felt like he wanted to come over. I told him that I actually really wanted him to come over and that was the beginning of us starting something. The next day he texted me, worried that I would regret my decision, but I told him that no, unlike other times I was much more sober last night, and was making a conscious decision that I really did not regret at all.
All of this happened at the very end of April, which was just very bad timing for both of us. I was about leave for two weeks to New York, and at the end of May Adam was leaving for a summer job on the other side of the country. While my initial instinct had been to start dating right away, I could tell that Adam was a little hesitant about the timing. So we agreed to see each other as often as we could before he had to leave. We had several great dates before summer came, and then I offered to drive him to the airport for his trip out. We spent most of that day together, and while we had a good time, I started feeling uncertain about where things were again. Not only was I worried him meeting someone over the summer, but I was also worried about hurting him, and I didn't want to move too fast. So we both agreed that we would put a pause on things for 3 months, and allow things to happen as they did. I talked about maybe flying out to visit him in Maine for a week, but didn't make any concrete plans.
As summer progressed, we were texting pretty frequently. When the opportunity came up for me to do some work in New York I jumped at the chance because I knew it would allow me to visit Adam. My time with Adam in Maine was better than I expected. When I booked the trip I was careful to leave a few days for myself in Boston, just in case things with Adam didn't go that well. But the reality is they went great, and all the time I spent alone in Boston I was just wishing I was back with Adam instead. I think one of the reasons the trip was so important for me, was that it allowed me to experience what life would be like with Adam. Up until this point I had never actually spent time at Adam's place. So being with him like this, all day, for several days, really got rid of any remaining hesitations I had. On the last night of our time together, Adam asked me where things were at. I told him why I was originally hesitant, why I had been moving slow, but I also told him that I really, really liked him, that things were so easy with him, that we got along so well and always enjoyed being with and talking with each other. At the end of that conversation I also told him that if he asked me to right now, I would date no on else and wait for him, I was that interested in him. Adam hugged me and smiled, and pointed out that he would be back in less than 3 weeks, so it wasn't really that long anyway. I haven't seen Adam since I said goodbye to him in Maine.
So what happened? We continued to text almost everyday after my trip. During my time in Maine we had talked about taking a mini-vacation when he got back to LA. We were talking about taking a trip down the Colorado river next summer, had plans for thanksgiving, and maybe even a family vacation with him in October. But then Adam stopped texting me for a few days... and finally it had been a week since I had heard from him. With only one more week before he was schedule to arrive back in LA, I texted him just a friendly hello, asking how Maine was, and telling him how excited I was for him to get back. His response was that he was actually sad to be leaving Maine... because he had started something with someone named Nathan.
My very first response was to ask where Nathan lived. Adam told me that Nathan was going back to Chicago to finish his Doctorate, and then was unsure of where he would be living after that. Of course I was shocked and hurt... and I told him I couldn't understand why Adam would rather date someone in Chicago... than me right here in LA. To which his response was, "I know and I'm sorry. I wasn't expecting this to happen. I wasn't looking for it to happen. It's hard to explain...the way I feel about him - I haven't felt that before. I can't ignore it." I was devastated. I told Adam that he was throwing away everything he had with me for a chance at a long distance relationship with no clear end in sight. His only response was that he still wanted to be friends and keep hanging out. This started a week of sleepless nights for me, where I would alternate between being angry at Adam for hurting me like this, wondering why the Universe would be so cruel as to destroy my one chance at finally having a boyfriend... especially in the last 3 weeks of the summer.... we made it through the entire summer... and then in the last few days he fell in love with someone in Chicago!!!!! I have also spent tons of time regretting not being more open to Adam from the very first time. Why did I hesitate? Why didn't I jump for the relationship right away? Maybe I should have been more clear that I wanted to be in committed relationship with him before he left, or at the start of the summer, or even during my time in Maine. Of course, I know that hindsight is 20/20. At the time I didn't know everything I know about Adam now, I could only react with the limited information and perspective that I had.
On hist very first day back in LA Adam texted me saying that he wanted to hang out and hoped that I wanted to talk. My immediate reaction was to ask him if anything had changed. His response was, "No, I still want to be friends with you." Which of course launched me right back into the breakup conversation from the week prior. It was pretty clear to me that he didn't understand how hurt or invested I was. So I had to explain all over again how much this was hurting me. I waited the ENTIRE summer for you to come back so we could date, and now on your first day back you text me but just want to hang out as friends... that statement just seems so inconsistent to me. After explaining how I was soo hurt and couldn't be friends because I didn't want to enable him dating someone else (in another city!!) his final text to me was, "I understand. I'm really sorry you feel this way. I still think we could be good friends someday. If you ever change your mind let me know. I hope this isn't the last time we talk."
So here I am, heartbroken and trying to figure out if there is any way I can get him back.
I have a confession to make. I still read The 100 Hour Board. Weird, I know, but I am fascinated by the current views and opinions of BYU students. I think it's a good way to get a feel for how my siblings feel about me, as well as trying to get a feeling for how the religion and its younger participants are evolving. If you have ever read the board, you are familiar with the large amount of relationship questions that they answer. One trend I have noticed recently is that students have written in about an amazing relationship they had, where they really loved each other and were talking about getting engaged. Everything is perfect and wonderful until one person in the relationship prays to know if they should marry this person, and they "receive" an answer that is completely contradictory to all of the thoughts and feelings of both parties in a relationship. Both parties inevitably break up, after which months of heart-ache, depression, and anxiety ensue.
This makes absolutely no sense to me. It's almost like the people who supported proposition 8 because "the prophet said so" even though their conscious was telling them something completely different, and they literally felt sick to their stomach about their actions. It boggles my mind that sometimes people let religion and "revelation" blind them to otherwise correct decisions , as well as their own ability to correctly choose right from wrong. If I ever mange to make a commitment as big as marriage with someone you can be sure that it will because I want to spend the rest of eternity with them, and not because God has told me that this is what I am supposed to do.
"DESPITE that, I have been really bad about follow-up and it makes me realize I'm not ready for something regular like that. I'm enjoying my summer and "busy" projects between the day job and my independent works so the time I have to have fun usually makes for more spontaneous, no the fly moments to make arrangements vs. making plans I can count on."
This is what he told me. 4 days later he is "in a relationship" and posting pics of his "boyfriend" on facebook.
Why is it that the guys who are always the most adamant about wanting to find a relationship/husband are always the one who behave in ways completely contrary to that desire? I have been pretty good over the last year at putting the overwhelming desire for a relationship on the back burner. Just have fun and date, enjoy whatever is going on, with no pressure to reach a certain place. But then I inevitably end up meeting a guy who is handsome, nice, has lots of great things going for him, seems to be really interested in me, and really wants a Relationship. So I think to myself, "sure, why not, this is guy is amazing, and we could build something great together." Only to have him give me the evasion treatment a few weeks later. Honestly, it might be better if I just walk out on anyone who dares to mention the R word too early, it would certainly save me a lot of pain.
I don't do drag, but part of me would love to do a drag act for the talent show at my upcoming family reunion.
I was supposed to be on a tropical island and it was going to be the perfect excuse to miss this thing, but alas, plans fell through :/
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
I really wanted to post this on facebook, but didn't have the guts.
It took an extra phone call to get things moving, but this finally came in the mail last week.