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Monday, October 13, 2008
how could you allow me to ask these things of you when you know that i don't care?
it makes me despise you and care even less
and despise you more the more i ask and the less i care and the more i despise you and carelessly ask these things of you
but you're still here, aren't you?
* posted by claire * 8:58 PM
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Electricity crackles
We make heat, light
Harnessing our instincts
Forging this waiting
In the fire of ancient imperatives
The human condition
With transcendent pause
This moat-crossing, cross-bearing, bear-skinning, skin-kisser
All softnesses
Who is most pleased by pleasing
Gives provisional tenderness
Probationary affection
Tentative attention
Halflove
And to me
Transcendent pause
* posted by claire * 5:03 PM
Sunday, July 06, 2008
tired of waiting.
wish i was asleep.
wrote a line earlier
stay awake far too late
sleep through the thunderstorm
get up when the sun shines
it's so obvious.
i wish i had gotten my last hurrah. but now i get shut out more than i thought i would. or at least he seems to think so. i'm disappointed. it's frustrating. how could he have me in his bed with another girl in his head, and then her in his bed with yet another clawing her way back to him in the midst of a breakup. poor guy.
i need a person. someone to be my person to call. someone who will take care of me a little bit, and who i can take care of. i am so tired of waiting.
he's going to cut me out completely, isn't he? of course he is. he has his new distraction, who he clearly likes more than me. i don't understand why he went for me at all with her in the background. if he would have always preferred her, just didn't know she was an option, or what.
i was "a woman" to him.
of course, what was he to me? i guess i don't know.
weird to be the dumpee.
i am so tired of waiting.
* posted by claire * 10:21 PM
Thursday, June 19, 2008
i am young and beautiful and energetic
and spending my summer working 10 hour days and not being loved
seems like such a waste
i did everything right, and he still won't play ball. i have so much to give and i'm so ready to give it, but he won't take it from me.
WHERE ARE YOU, my someone? PLEASE COME FIND ME. i'm TIRED. i'm READY.
* posted by claire * 9:14 PM
Friday, May 16, 2008
an inevitable error
with ambiguous potential consequences
i have not begun to consider
leaves me cold and sluggish
without the tired old ignored conviction
that normally brings guilt or worry
i am not sure what might happen next
but have not yet allowed the possibilities
to become concrete thoughts
minimal mulling might
lead to the biggest disaster yet
* posted by claire * 6:00 PM
Saturday, March 29, 2008
after my guests had gone
i cleaned the kitchen
wiped down the counters
packaged up the leftovers
washed the dishes
and no one was there with me
no one was thinking about me doing it
and it wasn't for anyone
it was just running around
just self-preservation
saving myself the trouble in the morning
i had a moment of realization
that were i to never marry
every counter i ever clean
will be only for myself
every dish i wash
will be to eat from myself
every floor i sweep and toilet i scrub
every party i throw and dinner i cook
every piece of furniture i buy
every dollar i earn
it is all mine, for me only
and that was the loneliest i've felt in a long time.
* posted by claire * 12:55 AM
Friday, December 14, 2007
without warning
old jealousies are stirred up
in the strangest moments
i remember meeting your grandmother
she was elegant
a silken cloud of white hair
piercing eyes
depth of unspoken wisdom
obvious in calmly folded hands
then, i thought she would become my family
as she was your family
when i turned out to be mistaken
i grieved so many things
extensions of you which i had taken for granted
and lost
but some things, i didn't yet realize
now, your grandmother's death
brings your new love to tears
i am jealous of her grief
of her right to have it
of her ability to share it with you
that woman, who might have been my family
who i do not deserve to mourn
dies and it should mean nothing to me
but instead it brings me back to the place in our history
where i might have wept
instead of her
* posted by claire * 1:48 PM
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