Guinea Pig (1985)

Guinea Pig: Devil's Experiment (1985, dir. Satoru Ogura)

This "Guinea Pig" series reboot is a great idea!

Review by Goat Scrote

     Yes, this is the first one in the series that got Chas Balun in all that hot water with the FBI! 

     Although there are several repulsive scenes, “Guinea Pig” doesn’t even come close to living up to its reputation as an extreme shock classic. The entire thing is only 43 minutes long and there is no story to spend time on, yet it’s halfway through before actual blood flows. Since this movie seems to have no purpose for existing other than to showcase blood and guts, that means there is a whole lot of purposeless violent filler occupying screen time. With no context for the violence it just seems like a meaningless exercise in misogynistic torture fantasy. If that sounds like your thing, you may dig it. My personal reaction to "Guinea Pig" was boredom and distaste (not a good combination), except during the brutal finale which features artfully disturbing imagery and an outstandingly horrifying gore effect which is a must-watch for gorehounds and practical SFX nerds.

     Three men torture a woman, and she dies. There it is, the complete plot, in every detail. The abusers are anonymous and the victim never says anything. No one in the film is individualized or made into an actual character. There’s no explanation except that the project is claimed to be a series of experiments exploring the limits of suffering. Each “experiment” opens with a title card hinting at what kind of punishment they will inflict this time. This film is genuinely nothing but torture porn (and I use the term without malice), although they actually leave a lot of the worst of it out of view even during the gruesome and explicit final scene. They sacrifice quantity of gore for quality, which is usually the right trade-off.

     The movie presents itself as something which was obtained illicitly and redistributed, in a “Blair Witch” style marketing maneuver. Most of the time the perpetrators faces aren’t shown, which further lends to the feeling that we’re watching something we’re not supposed to be seeing. I suspect it was these facts combined with the plotless pseudo-porno presentation which confused certain drug-addled celebrities into mistaking “Guinea Pig” for a real snuff film.

Part 2: Flower of Flesh and blood was the tape that freaked Charlie Sheen out enough to alert the FBI. Here's what Dennis Daniel said about the embarrassing event after he lent out the tape. Well, when I finished with it, I sent it to my pal Chris Gore at FILM THREAT. He ended up lending it to a friend who watched it with Charlie Sheen, of all people!  Sheen thought the shit was REAL!!! He contacted a friend of his in the FBI and before you know it, I got a call from an FBI Agent saying that it was a federal offense to send snuff films through the mail! We’re talking 20 years in prison!!!!  I had remembered that Chas told me there was a tape called THE MAKING OF GUINEA PIG, so the FBI said I had to give him the contact info for the person who sent me the tape and they needed to send that “MAKING OF” tape as well. So, I had to call Chas and tell him all this. Needless to say, he was not pleased. I actually called him on his birthday and he was having a fucking grand old time till I called him with the info. Remember, Chas was a California hippie dude of epic proportions…the fact that I gave “the man” info about him was not too cool…but I had no choice. He was my only hope to prove it was fake. It all worked out in the end but it really sucked at the time.

     It begins with a woman handcuffed to a chair and several men dressed in black beating her. They rub salt in her eyes. They club her with a bag full of coins while one dude chills in the background casually enjoying a soda. Some time later, they throw her on the ground and kick her while verbally abusing her. Next they torture her with pliers pinching and twisting her skin. The most absurd torture arrives when they spin her around a whole lot on an office chair. After way too much time lingering on that, they force Jack Daniels down her gullet, and spin her around some more until she pukes.

     The second most absurd "experiment" is when they torture her with headphones roped to her head, playing something which sounds like a perfectly ordinary Merzbow recording. This goes on until she is a drooling wreck. Around 22 minutes into the runtime it starts to get gory as they pull out her fingernails. She is tied up and asleep when they start pouring boiling oil on her arm with a cringe-inducing sizzling sound. That’s one seriously fucked up alarm clock.

     Next up is the maggot torture. They pour maggots on the burns and sprinkle a few on her face just for the hell of it. She seems to be unconscious through it all. Maggots are pretty fucking gross, and the thought of them eating the dead flesh on her arm is unsettling. The entire maggot scene is about getting under our skin with psychological creepy crawlies.

     For their next amazing trick, the torturers throw raw meat and real animal guts on the woman. The guys, mostly off-camera, giggle and breath heavily like masturbating morons. She is unconscious, and the gut-throwing goes on and on for what feels like a really long time. Finally she wakes up and screams. Again, it’s pretty gross to have guts all over you, but mainly I am bored at this point in the movie. If you've cooked chicken or turkey in your kitchen, you've handled things just as gross as this. Like the maggots, it's something a quick shower can take care of..

     Things get drastic near the end. They move on to surgical incisions and smashing her hand with a sledgehammer. It does look pretty realistic. For the finale, they chain her head down and shove a long needled into her eye socket sideways. The eye socket floods with blood and the eye is skewered until it pops right out. Fulci and Bunuel would probably approve. It closes with what appears to be her corpse, dangling inside a net in the woods.

     After it was over I felt all the emotional involvement of having watched a practical f/x demo reel. It was very hard for me to connect with this movie, since I couldn't see any purpose beyond serial-killer stroke material or showing off their gore effects prowess. I would've liked it better as a five-minute short, and I don't think anything significant would be lost that way. I know that they were doing their very best to present something deeply disturbing, but other than a handful of short sequences, I had to fight to avoid letting my attention wander.

Recommendation: Only watch the ending, unless you are a huge fan of torture porn and fake snuff.

FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND

FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND
USA, 1981
Directed by: Jerry Warren
Starring: Cameron Mitchell, John Carradine, Robert Clarke

Reviewed begrudgingly by Michael Hauss

One of my many standard procedures when reviewing a film is that I try and write down the action that's going on along with relevant dialogue to be included in the review. This film has so much inane shit to be quoted that I had writers cramps in my hand after the viewing of it. Rather than bombard the reader of the review with all the insanity that this movie packs all at once,  I will divvy it out so as to make the reader want to view this (wink-wink) trash epic and wallow in the insanity that is FRANKENSTEIN' S ISLAND.

The movie stars two actors who would appear in anything as long as there was quick buck to be had and those two are John Carradine and Cameron Mitchell. Once both highly thought of thespians who had slid down hill to working in shit like this. Carradine plays Dr. Frankenstein in the film and Mitchell plays a sea captain named Jason whose boat was engulfed by a wave and the crew washed overboard and he washed ashore on Frankenstein island, Jason is used as a blood donor, kept caged by the doctor.

Just watch this tepidly arousing meme instead, your brain will thank you

Four men and a dog are trying to break an endurance record in a hot air balloon when an odd wind blew them off course and they crashed into the ocean, eventually landing of the island. The men who are never really introduced are a man they call Doc (Robert Clarke), Mark (Robert Christopher), Dino (Patrick O'Neill) and Curtis (Tarin Bookin). They are met by a tribe of nicely groomed women who speak English and practice witchcraft in their animal skin bikinis and came to the island from space. Two old coots who work for Dr. Frankenstein approach the group of men and women and the eye patched old coot who laughs incessantly (Same annoying laugh over and over) tells the girls to be thankful for the mirrors they brought them, that explains the nicely groomed wild women.

Dumb ass, Jabronie and Donovan on a routine expedition . . . (sung to the tune of Land of the Lost) 

The two old coots invite the four men to the Frankenstein house and they accept, of course any man would leave a bevy of  half nude women to follow some numb nuts like these two, right? While waiting for their invite into the house the four men visit Jason who is locked up in a cell and he tells them his back story, quoting some Edgar Allen Poe as he talks and telling them they use him for his blood donations.

It's time for another lobotomy then off to the set of Terror On Tape

When finally in the house they are met by a woman in an evening gown who introduces herself  as Sheila Frankenstein. She explains that Frankenstein was her grandfather, but prefers her maiden name which is Van Helsing. She says that Frankenstein originated everything on the island including the power to paralyze people's arms on the island. She continues "Frankenstein set many forces in action and in doing so set his own law, he still enforces it by channelling thru my husband. My husband was an integral part of the Frankenstein experiments in the early days, the two of them travelled far beyond man's understanding of life and death, so very far that an unbreakable bond was formed between them, it endures today with one dead and one still alive."

Hey wait a min, I think I recognize that lady from Hollywood High, as the bestiality floozy

The men were brought here for a reason, not of their own free will. One of the four men is a doctor and his aid is enlisted in helping collaborate on prolonging the life of Dr. Van Helsing, who is two hundred years old. One thing I said earlier must be corrected here, the fact that I said John Carradine appears in this movie is only half true, it's only his fucking head, Carradine's freaken disembodied head floats around and is always saying things like Power, Power Power! The henchmen on the island look like the Joker' s henchmen in the old 1960's Batman series, wearing sock caps and Sun glasses. You know what this film is so fucking stupid that it's hard to fathom that anything could be this bad, honestly, it sucks. The gang of the four men eventually destroy a brain under glass that the big floating head of Dr. Frankenstein used to channel his power from and with the unintentional help of the original Frankenstein monster who escapes his watery cell in a cave grotto. The men have only enough time to flee the island and I kid you not, before the backup brain for channelling power kicks in and the big floating heads resumes his powerful hold. The four men make it back to some main land after building a raft and get a colonel to gather a group of his men all six or so...and storm the island. The only problem is that everything has banished except the dog Melvin, who carries a medallion to the men, one of the island women had worn the medallion.

PULL MY FINGER!

The film has zero nudity and zero blood, it was so mentally taxing that I wanted to perform a home frontal lobotomy on myself with an ice cream scooper to try and erase the effects this movie had on my brain. (Sorry Mike but that's what happens when you endure a Jerry Warren flick-Crank).

The most frightening thing about this film is that some people consider this the best work of the legendary schlock director/producer Jerry Warren who also made the equally incompetent films TEENAGE ZOMBIES (USA, 1960) and WILD WORLD OF BATWOMAN (USA, 1966) among others. I must admit that the dialogue was so retarded at times I felt like I was listening to and watching some classic Ed Woodian film. My God man, this awful mess is without a doubt the worst film I have ever seen and I have seen some real pieces of shit in my time. Recommended to those who love bad movies and for those who are masochist.

WATCH THE RIFFTRAX VERSION ON HULU INSTEAD!

Luther The Geek

"Luther The Geek" (1990)

Directed by: Carlton J. Albright

Written by: Whitey Styles (aka Carlton J. Albright) 

Starring: Edward Terry, Joan Roth, Stacy Haiduk

Review by: "Machine Gun" Kristin

 Ahh, that first shot on the screen of that construction paper like city back drop set to that "News At 11" weird stock music really spells quality doesn't it? Eh, if you're not sure of what I'm referring to, I'm describing the Troma movie opening (pictured above) tacked onto all their releases with head honcho, Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz's names in yellow letters. I can't say for certain that all Troma films are bad, (they're not to a degree), most are sorta bland, but also probably important to the history of B Movies in general. Here we have one of the bad ones from their catalog: "Luther The Geek". It's about a carnival freak named Luther Watts who killed people as a teenager, was thrown in jail and then is released for being a "model prisoner". He's a "geek" because he "likes to bite his victims on the neck and watch them bleed to death". This was brought on by witnessing a fellow "freak" bite a chicken's head off, which I guess he wanted to imitate. 

young Luther

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! 

Is he a "cereal" killer? harhar

There's some fun blood gushing scenes from Luther's neck-biting method of killing his victims. He's played by Edward Terry, who looks like a janitor blend of Ron Howard and Christopher Lloyd. Luther gnaws on a old lady (who I first thought was a guy in drag) at the grocery store and fountains of what resembles soy sauce spews from her neck. He hides in another lady's (Joan Roth) backseat and coincidentally ends up at her chicken filled farmhouse in the boonies. Her last name is LAWSON as spelled in all capital letters across her mailbox, typographically shouting at you. Luther bites her chicken's head off, ties her up and then her stupid daughter Beth (Stacy Haiduk) unknowingly shows up with her dumb-ass "smile ball" boyfriend, Rob (Thomas Mills). This of course calls for some nudity! Haiduk and Mills seem to be the only ones who seemed to have a career post "Geek". Haiduk with a long list of soap opera roles (The Young And The Restless, Melrose Place, etc) and other various movies/tv credits. Mills having many random TV parts.

Whhhyyy?

 A love story!

The many loves of Luther!

Luther clucks like a chicken throughout the film. I guess after witnessing a freak biting the head off a chicken in exchange for a shot of whiskey messed up his mind. I personally thought of it as just plain stupid as opposed to so silly that it was weirdly disturbing like the killer's quacking from "New York Ripper". There's so many problems with the razor thin plot line (if there is one) with "Geek" and the pacing is sluggish at best. We're stuck watching a group of morons trying to escape a killer who by pathetic comparison is a genius who happens to only speak in chicken. I couldn't understand how the daughter could untie her mother's (LAWSON!) gag over her mouth, but somehow is dumbfounded by the knots around her arms and legs. Beth's ridiculously idiotic choices throughout the movie are mind boggling. I mean, you want to yell at the screen. AAHHH!!!

Somebody forgot their teeth! 

Yep, this movie was a hard one to watch, made worse by having to rewatch it multiple times for clarity and screenshots. Blecchhh. If we were going by the original Deep Red ratings, this one would get a dog! Hell, give it 5 dogs, it's really bad! It's unfortunate, because the first 5 minutes are the fairly entertaining. Instead of sticking with the freak show theme, delving into the origin of the "geek" we end up at the farm house in the middle of Illinois somewhere. Greeaatt. It should've been set during the murders he committed in his teenage years in the 1940s and 1950s. Instead, we're shown this history in green text across an old computer screen. I think this movie should renamed "Attack Of The Bumbling Fools". You just don't like anyone in this film enough to have them saved, their lack of cranial capacity has brought their fate upon themselves. There's many who like this movie. I guess I'd say, more power to ya. I've never seen one before, so I guess I can't join in on the "haven't seen it in awhile, have a childhood appreciation for it" crowd.

I'm back for that cup of coffee!!

The Chicken Dance

If you'd like to check out "Luther The Geek", watch it HERE

You can purchase it through Troma HERE

Apparently there's some unfunny sounding appropriate behavior on the DVD involving fake blow jobs and Lloyd Kaufman. Not a good combination. 

Check out my Etsy shop HERE

I most of the time make buttons for my reviews, but man, this one just didn't warrant one. If you have any button suggestions, feel free to write me. 

Here's the trailer!

Meatcleaver Massacre (1977)

"Meatcleaver Massacre" (1977, aka "Hollywood Meat Cleaver Massacre", aka "Morak", aka"Evil Force", aka "Revenge of the Dead")

     Directed by Evan Lee.

     Review by Goat Scrote.

     I’ll be blunt. This movie sucks. It’s disappointing in pretty much every department, and there isn’t a single meat cleaver to be seen during the entire running time. There is virtually nothing that I like about the movie itself. It’s an ugly boring dumb inept unwatchable mess. It's filmed badly, written badly, acted badly, and the blood and monster effects are mostly just awful.

Happy to be here.

     The movie is “hosted” by Christopher Lee, who appears for a few minutes at the beginning and end to give long monologues about the occult. It turns out that this was shot for an entirely different movie which never materialized, so the producers sold their Christopher Lee footage to another company. Lee was very displeased and nearly took the producers of “Meatcleaver Massacre” to court when he found out his name had been attached to this crap.

Jesus sued to have his image removed from the film, too.

     There’s also a rumor swirling around that Edward D. Wood Jr. made an appearance as an actor in the movie. I don’t think he’s actually in there. If you can confirm exactly where he is in the film let us know.

     Professor Cantrell (James Habif) teaches his class about a demon named Morak, “The Destroyer of the Destroyers.” There’s a painting of Morak in action which shows in explicit detail some of the ways that the googly-eyed vengeance-spirit likes to dispatch his victims.

Ouch, I guess I deserved that.

     After class, the Professor angers creepy jerk Mason (Larry Justin). Mason turns out to be a vicious psychopath who somehow convinces his buddies to participate in a home-invasion/mutiple-murder against the Prof and his family. They bash in his head with a candlestick, strangle his son and wife, then stab his daughter. Later, the killers gloat over news reports of their crime. 

I keep my eyeballs inside my three penises.

     The Professor is still alive, but brain damaged, mute, and paralyzed. Somehow in this condition he manages to call up Morak to carry out his revenge. The spirit stalks the killers and dispatches them in uninspired ways. One victim is apparently stabbed to death by an angry yucca plant in the desert. Another guy is about to slash his own wrists, until he realizes he doesn’t have time to commit suicide because he is late for work. That made me laugh, and this joke was the only thing in the entire movie that I liked. I’m assuming it was the on-purpose kind of joke but that may be giving the filmmakers too much credit.

Is there such a thing as exfoliating too much?

     Anyway, Morak shows up for a final confrontation with head psycho Mason. Morak beats him up and tears out one of his eyes. In the end, Mason is locked up in an insane asylum. It turns out his eye isn’t missing at all even though he hallucinates that he is holding it in his hand. Whatever, it’s a bad ending for a bad movie. Christopher Lee shows up again for a final monologue and relates some stories about the supernatural in which he uses the word “abracadabrical”. Wow, I’m glad that’s over.
   Recommendation: Avoid.

Oh Morak, you're so abracadabrical.

"Portrait of the Goat Scrote as a Young Satyr"

Frankenstein General Hospital

Frankenstein General Hospital Directed By Deborah Romare, Mark Blankfield (1988).

The first thing that led me to this alarmingly titled flick was not playmate Kathy Shower as you might imagine, but Irwin Keyes as the infamous monster. I've followed Irwin's career ever since The Warriors, that bulbous face was always lurking somewhere in the background, sometimes if you blinked you missed him. He died in the first Exterminator only to return in the second one as Monster, a menacing punk dodging that pesky flamethrower. He's appeared in a wide range of cult films like Nice Girls Don't Explode, Chained Heat, StarDust Memories, House of a 1000 Corpses and even played Hugo, George's bodyguard on The Jeffersons! That loveable bug-eyed knucklehead is always a welcome site throughout the exploitation genre. In FGH he's hardly in this piece of shit and they focus more on the stupid doctor and his unfunny antics. If you're thinking maybe I'll watch this film for its cool title and Irwin Keyes as the creature, fuggetaboutit, don't get burned like I did. It actually took me a month to recover from this painfully unfunny comedy.

Who's ready to laugh?

  The doctor played by Mark Blankfield looks like he's related to Gerrit Graham and his assistant is Iggy instead of Igor. This movie blindsides you immediately with its wretched-ness, don't bother to track it down, its appallingly bad! I've seen Leslie Jordan, the actor who plays Iggy in Ski Patrol and Pee Wees Playhouse, he's a midget with a southern drawl and looks like a gay elf. I'm not being derogatory, Jordan is gay and also 4 feet tall.
   The decision to cast Lou Cutell, (Seinfeld's "Assman" and Nadir the Martian from Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster) as a surgeon would be an inspired tribute to that film, but here it's a wasted role.

Your funny bone is busted

   The cornball jokes fall flat on their face and seem like really bad vaudeville comedy, I mean there's nothing worse than "fake Mel Brooks type humor".
   Dr Bob Frankenheimer (Blankfield) is laughed at by his coworkers who all have mullets, anytime Bob mentions his experiment, phantom giggle noises are heard. Bobby Boris Pickett is somewhere in the background waiting around for his pay check.

Holy shit, it's the mom from The Goldbergs!

   This is the kind of irritating comedy that you could get toasted to and not be even mildly amused.
Ben Stein shows up I'll never understand the appeal of that loser, unless you're a Right Winger.
The psychiatrist/dominatrix is played Kathy Shower, she looks really hot, but never gets fully undressed. This film makes those shitty Lou Anderson comedies like The Wrong Guys seem on par with cutting edge humor like Louis C.K.-- just dreadfully unfunny! The monster finally shows up 30 minutes in, I wonder if the film makers thought "Young Frankenstein sucked, let's try to top it"! They even paraphrase some lines from the Brooks classic and Bob Frankenheimer tries to ape Gene Wilder! Which is appalling to me!

They paid me in hookers and fluffernutters and I still hate myself.

   The worst part is that they have all these hot women and we get a two minute boob flash (fodder for Mr. Skin I suppose). When they are in the Doctor's lab, the film goes to black and white but the rest is in color (probably some inside unfunny gag that flew over my head).

   I think Keyes deserves a better film than this wretched piece of shit! He runs around with a boom box dressed like a greaser and even gets a blowjob. Hopefully he had a nice time on the set and I don't fault him for how terrible this movie came out. The comedy really grinds on your nerves and is horrendous, I totally hated it.

DRAGS THE FRANKENSTEIN NAME THROUGH A MEAT GRINDER, AVOID AT ALL COSTS!

this is where Electric Frankenstein got thier name from

Mosquito the Rapist (1977)

“Mosquito the Rapist” (1977, original title “Mosquito der Schänder”, aka “Bloodlust”, directed by Marijan David Vajda, screenplay by N. Supasi)

Review By Goat Scrote

     The ToG Board of Misdirectors had to have a meeting about this movie, actually. We all watched it. All 13 members of the coven agreed that what we had seen was unusual and disturbing, one of those rare movies that falls outside the usual continuum of “good” to “bad”, and that it definitely deserved a review.

Waitress! More Fiddle Faddle and Diet Slice all around for the TOG board members

     We also unanimously agreed that none of us liked it, didn’t know what the fuck to make of it, really, and didn’t want to see it again. Somebody was going to have to watch it one more time though, and be the one to write the review. I drew the short straw, so to speak. Trust me, you don’t want to know how we actually decide these things, unless you have an unhealthy interest in goat vivisection.

     So here I am. Let’s get this over with, then.

     Some art is meant to make you feel yucky, not to entertain you. “Mosquito the Rapist” is not a recreational good-time movie unless you have some very specific, profoundly dark personal tastes. It’s based on the life and crimes of Kuno Hoffman, the “Vampire of Nuremberg”, a blood-fetishist necrophile and multiple murderer. The movie was made in Germany just a handful of years after Hoffman was caught and sentenced to life in prison.

That Nuremberg guy, Oh yeah I sold him all his tools!

     The best elevator pitch we’ve collectively been able to come up with is that it’s Romero’s “Martin” (1976) meets Buttgereit’s “Nekromantik” (1988), set on the wrong side of the tracks in Wonka Town. There’s plenty of blood, lots of horrible mutilation, and even lesbian sex just like you’d expect from a more entertainment-oriented horror product, but despite the trappings this is no typical gore film. There are some interesting artistic choices in the movie, and it’s not quite like anything else I’ve seen. It’s a grimy, scuzzy, nasty, uncomfortable film which gets grindingly repetitive after a while. It reaches its antisocial climax, and then suddenly halts with a token effort at resolution which brings no sense of closure whatsoever to the whole awful experience.

Mosquito, Oh yeah he got that straw idea from me!

     The main character is deaf-mute and we never even learn his real name, only his criminal signature, Mosquito. We get to know him through his actions and flashbacks to his very troubled past. None of the other characters are ever named at all. Much of the movie has no musical score, and since the main character never speaks and spends most of his time with corpses, all we hear are ambient sounds. The background music, when it’s present, is good. It’s got a psychedelic rock feel and is somehow very fitting for the movie. Much respect to David Llewellyn, who did the score. This had to be a tough one to work on.

     It’s just another ugly day in scumtown. Some ape smacks around women just for the hell of it out on the front stoop. Enter the character we will come to know as Mosquito (Werner Pochath), a reasonably pleasant-looking, somewhat timid young teutonic man in a  shabby brown coat. He puts himself between the attacker and the main victim, gets beaten up, and has his head clobbered into a wall.

I just need to find a necrophiliac Kristin Stewart and it'll be "Mosquito's Twilight"

     From this initial introduction, putting his own body on the line to protect someone else, you’d almost think he was a really decent guy. Then we get a little glimpse inside his mind after he gets bonked on the head. The fight in Wonka Town fades out, and we fade in on a strange looking marble-white corpse with white hair, in a coffin. Mosquito is alone with her. He gouges out her eyeballs one at a time, puts them on a handkerchief, and plays with them.

Freak your friends out with this Mortician's Thing Maker playset!

     The movie is off to a gory and surreal start. The effects are solid and it has already managed to establish a distinctive style. The first time through I thought that this might turn out to be one of those obscure, under-appreciated diamonds in the rough which has just been overlooked, perhaps because it was simply never distributed properly.

     Not… exactly. It’s absolutely an artistic success, in the same way as “Nekromantik”, "Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom" (1975), “Two Girls, One Cup”, or “Forrest Gump” (1994). It hurts you and it goes on hurting, and when it’s done you want to hurt it back but you can’t. (Damn you, Gump. DAMN YOU!) I took a quick shower afterward and felt a little less dirty, but it’s one of those cases where I’m probably never going to fully scrub the stain away. There is just not enough brain-bleach in the whole world.

     Mosquito works at a desk job doing bookkeeping. His coworkers are jerks who resent having to work with someone deaf-mute. They ridicule and abuse him, sometimes even physically. Not a very satisfying work life, then, either.

There's always Blow-Up sex doll Thurs to look forward to

     Back home in the absolute bleakness of scumtown, ol’ Smacky-fists is up to the usual, beating his wife and daughter and whomever else happens to be weaker and within reach. Mosquito gets in the way again, and enters the wonderful world of brain trauma one more time. He has a flashback to being beaten by his drunken father. Dad knocks him down, kicks him in the balls, and pummels him with a table. Young Mosquito is barely conscious when his little sister wanders in and interrupts… so Father of the Year leaves off beating his son and molests his daughter. Then he beats her unconscious too and crushes one of her dolls spitefully underfoot. Mosquito watches the whole thing, broken and helpless. Through other flashbacks we learn that his father’s repeated beatings are what destroyed his hearing and speech as a child.

     Okay… I am 7 minutes into the movie, and I am sick to my stomach and I kind of want to cry. Have you ever had someone try to remove your soul through your eyeballs? I’m pretty sure that’s what the filmmakers were after, and that’s why I call it an artistic success.

Come On Goaty, don't be sad, here's a chubby baby painting to cheer you up!

     As an adult, Mosquito collects baby dolls in his black-painted apartment and keeps a pet gerbil. He opens the cage… oh no no NO, let’s just not, please. Stop fondling the gerbil. I don’t like this movie anymore please take me back home RIGHT NOW. Oh, thank fucking Crom. The gerbil goes back in the cage and nothing… unsavory… happens. This is the moment when I realize that the only way I’m going to get through the movie is the same way I’d get through being dosed with an entire gram of tainted LSD. I’m going to just sit back and watch the bad trip unfold and remember it can’t actually hurt me as long as I don’t move.

Just go with it man! It'll all be over soon, then you can have some B-12 and Orange slices

     He wanders the street and gets picked up by a hooker. Back at her place, she washes her pussy in a businesslike fashion and lays on the bed for a quickie. He doesn’t seem to know what to do with her and lays his head down on her breasts. Finally she loses patience and throws him out.

German prostitutes all looked like Mrs. Garrett or another house keeper on Different Strokes back then.

     Back home he lays a doll on the bed and smashes it up a little, then licks ketchup off his hand. The motifs of bloody hands and crushed dolls dominate Mosquito’s life until he just can’t take it anymore.

     He borrows some tools from a neighbor and rides his motor scooter to a graveyard, breaks into the funeral home, and examines the bodies laid out out for viewing. He cuts open a woman’s funeral shroud and starts cutting her flesh. then his own, mixes the blood together and has a taste. (I have questions. Wouldn’t she be full of embalming fluid? If she wasn’t, when does the blood of a corpse start coagulating? I bet the internet could tell me, or a mortician, but I think I’m just going to chalk it up to artistic license and move on.)

What's gonna come out, French's embalming yello Mustard ?

     He signs his work in blood on the wall. At work he writes the name Mosquito over and over in red ink. His coworkers mock his doll-collecting and sexual inadequacy. One of the work-jerks gropes an inflatable sex doll in a way that mirrors the attack on his sister. He later has a repeat vision of mutilating the eyes of the white-haired woman.

     Everyone in this town is a total asshole except the cute young woman who lives in the same building (Birgit Zamulo). She gets a warning from her mom to stay away from Mosquito and she immediately does the opposite, dancing and showing off her new dress to him. She seems a little nutty herself but in a gentle and charming way.

Wes Anderson guest directed this segment

     Speaking of gentle and charming, Mosquito has a jar with preserved eyeballs in it at home, which he fondles and leers at really inappropriately. I just don’t think this guy should be allowed to keep a gerbil. He goes out in a nice suit (like it’s a date?) and enters a chapel with a pale, black-haired corpse on view in a coffin. He uses a straight razor to gruesomely decapitate her so he can play with the head. This is the goriest effect in the film and it's both well done and gruesome.

     Soon the ghoulish crimes of the unknown “Mosquito” are the talk of the office and the neighborhood. He continues raiding funeral homes, tagging them “Mosquito” and molesting corpses. He gets interrupted or nearly caught several times. At one point he collects and preserves a new set of eyeballs. On another occasion a night watchman interrupts him. The watchman sees the tag scribbled on the wall but somehow doesn’t make the connection to the string of crimes... or he just doesn't care? He hangs out and eats a sandwich in the corpse-filled room which must reek of formaldehyde and/or rotting flesh. Huh. This guy isn’t as weird as Mosquito, but still.

I'm funkier than a Mosquito's Tweeter!

     Eventually Mosquito’s luck runs out and he’s cock-blocked by a watchman just as he’s perving on a fresh batch of bodies. He throttles the guy and trashes the place in a blue-balls-fueled snit before he runs off. He is obviously getting sloppy. He even leaves his apartment door open while he is napping. One of his neighbors walks inside, wakes him up, and points out the window. The only nice person in his life, the young woman in the dress, is outside dancing on the edge the rooftops. Her parents try to get her to go back inside but she deliriously topples right off the edge and smashes to the ground in front of them all like one of Mosquito’s wrecked dolls.

     At a store Mosquito picks up a hollow glass fork with two points at the end, a glass “vampire straw” which he uses to suck blood out of the dolls and corpses. He plays with the dolls and blood he has collected on an altar decorated with surgical tools and jars of human eyeballs. He was all wrong in the head before, but now even his usual bloody perversions have lost their power to satisfy and he gradually becomes more and more frenzied.

     He goes to a brothel to watch two girls get it on, which is actually just about the most normal thing he has done so far in the movie other than go to work. While they get into it with each other, he hallucinates or fantasizes that people from his past are in the room with them, including his dead neighbor. Whatever he’s trying to get out of the experience, it isn’t working so he gets up and walks out without the two women even noticing. Back home he trashes his room, stabs the walls, tears down his vintage HR Giger prints (YOU UNBELIEVABLE BASTARD!) and dumps his eyeball collection.

Destroy everything else, but for Chrissakes, leave the Giger alone!

     Cut to a funeral procession for his neighbor. He stays in the graveyard afterward, climbs into her unfilled grave, opens the coffin, pulls her out, and takes her rigored body to a bench. He makes out with her and remembers all the good times they had when he would furtively peep at her. In a way he is finally having the perfect moment with his dream girl, she has become a corpse-doll for him, but he is also overcome by grief. He cuts himself and wipes his own blood on her lips in an inversion of his usual vampiric procedure. Then he freaks out and runs away, leaving the body on the bench. Why am I surprised? Was I expecting this guy to show respect for the dead?

     He visits one funeral parlor after another and uses the glass straw to suck blood from women and also dribble it back onto them like he's making a Jackson Pollock painting. (More like Hermann Nitsch, actually, if you're into that kind of thing.) As he scooters around town failing to find happiness, he sees a couple kissing in their car and follows them out to an isolated spot where they plan to make love. He hallucinates his crush again, dancing in her dress. He stalks the couple like a predator moving in on prey until Mosquito is spying on them right through glass. He smashes the window open and kills them both with a knife.

Check out the fun bags on that hosehound!

     Apparently, the double murder finally gets him off. He looks pretty pleased as he covers his face with fresh blood and admires the effect in the mirror. He imagines his neighbor in some lovely soft-focus place with romantic music while he molests and sucks blood from his victims.

I'm Neil Patrick Harris and I haven't pooped in a week! 

     It took some work, but Mosquito is back in his happy place again. He’s so swept away, however, that he ends up leaving damning evidence behind at the crime scene. Later at work, the police show up with his vampire straw, and Mosquito knows he’s finally busted. He just goes back to his mental happy place with the dead girl, running through the woods together, and that’s that.

     Okay, WTF seriously you guys, how come Skunkape got to review "Emanuelle in America" and I got "Mosquito the Rapist"? Fuuuuuck. I thought kinky movies are supposed to be fun. Let's agree never to speak of this experience again. (OK, Goat we're sorry we hazed you with this cinematic punch in the balls, please forgive us-- the editors).

WATCH WITH EXTREME CAUTION!

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