Friday Beast Blogging: The "Drunk 'n' Disorderly" Edition

MOONDOGGIE: I'm tellin' you guys (hic!) once you go black, you never go back...bacon? Is it "you never go back bacon?" Cuz that sounds delicious--

SHADOW: He had a little too much catnip--

MOONDOGGIE: What! Who said that? I heard that!

SHADOW: I did.

MOONDOGGIE: No, one of them called you a "basic black bitch"--WHICH ONE OF YOU SAID THAT?! I will find you, and I will claw you down to the shin bone!

SHADOW: He doesn't mean that--

MOONDOGGIE: I do too! I'm dangerous when riled! I once killed a man in Reno just for salivating at my tuna!

SHADOW: Honey, c'mon. You really need to simmer down.

MOONDOGGIE: Awww, fine! You're just lucky my chick's here!

(Photo courtesy of MaryC)

Pre-Friday Beast Blogging: Quarantine Diary

APRIL 8, 2020: Day 20 in lockdown...

I wonder what my nose tastes like...

Ah! Hm...Mm-huh...

Cat ass...I probably could'a guessed that.

Moondoggie on the Movies: 1917

1917 (2019)

It's the plot of Gallipoli, plus the told-in-real-time gimmick of High Noon (minus time out for a cheatin' blackout) and the cut-hiding chicanery of Rope, with a Whack-A-Mole rate of celebrity cameos reminiscent of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

Note: the movie Walkabout had less walking; your Fitbit will award you 10,000 steps just for sitting through this thing.

In theaters now.

Moondoggie On The Movies

MOONDOGGIE: Watching the film adaptation of Cats is like being neutered all over again. Now and Forever.

Have a Very World O' Crap Christmas!

I hope everyone's having a lovely day. This is the first Christmas in 20 years or so that Mary and I have been apart, as we drew the Comfort the Afflicted and/or Quadrupedal straw -- she's out in the desert looking after her bedridden mother, while I'm dog-sitting for my sister up in Portland.

I grew up with dogs, but it's been decades since I've owned one, and I'd forgotten how labor-intensive they are -- both emotionally and, uh, alimentarily -- but the companionship they provide is top-notch. However, like the Ethiopians that various British rock stars sung about in "Do They Know It's Christmas?", the dogs apparently don't, and since the house isn't decorated (there was no point since the family would be out of town for the holiday), I've been doing my best to pretend it's not actually the Yuldetide in order to modulate my self-pity.

But then Facebook decided to bombard me with memories of Christmas Pasts, and while I still don't care about the holiday, I do miss Riley, because nobody could get into the spirit of the season like she could:

So Merry Christmas (or ELSE!, apparently....)

Dr. Tongue's House of 3-D Apathy

ME: Look upon this fearsome black cat! Harbinger of evil! Mistress of the dead! She is known as Shadow and her name is spoken only in dread whispers! FEAR HER!

SHADOW: I refuse to participate in this bullshit.

ME: C'mon, it's Halloween--

SHADOW: Fuck off.

All right, fine. Mary's the one with the holiday mojo, but she's been out of town this week caring for her mother and my efforts to enlist the cats in some Halloween hijinks have clearly fallen flat. So I guess I'll just make a drink and go watch It or Them! or some other pronoun-themed horror flick. Hell, maybe I'll get drunk enough to go for a noun (albeit starting slow, with a vague one) and put on The Thing.

Happy Halloween guys.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Tell-Tale Heart Edition

MOONDOGGIE: I can hear the ocean. 

ME: That’s my femoral artery. 

MOONDOGGIE: Whatever. They’re both clogged with fish oil and garbage.

Pre-Friday Beast Blogging: The World's Suavest Cat Edition

MOONDOGGIE: Oh yeah. I know what you need, baby...

Post-Friday Beast Blogging

MOONDOGGIE: I don't understand all this stuff about global climate change, but after hours of observation, calculation, and experimentation, I have determined that the current axial tilt of the Earth has caused the living room Sun Patch to become narrow and weird and I'M DECLARING AN EMERGENCY!!!

SHADOW: I'm not in favor of this silly 'Beast Blogging' thing, but I'll agree to pose on one condition: that you point out how much my eyes look like David Bowie's in The Man Who Fell to Earth.

Post Friday Beast Blogging: The "Welcome to the Factory" Edition

MOONDOGGIE: Ah, hello. You caught me just as I was about to pose for my Andy Warhol-like portrait. Excuse me...

MOONDOGGIE: There. Nailed it.

What do you think, Shadow?

SHADOW: (Sigh) Well...

SHADOW: I know art when I see it. And I ain't seenin' it.

Beast Blogging: The "Cats Cocoon in Cold Conditions" Edition

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Sound the All Clear!" Edition

SHADOW: Is the election over? Is it safe to come out?

MOONDOGGIE: A lady on the TV said Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez can't afford to rent an apartment before her Congressional salary kicks in, and I just want her to know there's always room for a firebrand young Socialist under my dining chair dust ruffle! Because Solidarity and Shared Snuggle-Space are the watchwords of Fabianism!

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Protecting Muh IP" Edition

SHADOW: What am I doin'? Ohhh, just chillin'. What about you?

MOONDOGGIE: Contemplating a lawsuit, 'cause I invented chilling!

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Happy Caturday Edition

SHADOW: Can you believe it? According to Twitter it's "Caturday", or some such bullshi--

MOONDOGGIE: What? It's Caturday?! I better get up and start bringin' the kawaii, or I'll get totally stiffed by Japanese YouTubers! Again!

SHADOW: No, honey, stay in bed...

MOONDOGGIE: We're on top of the couch.

SHADOW: Stay...on couch.

MOONDOGGIE: But Caturday--!!

SHADOW: Don't be fooled by the hype, Orange Guy. It's just another made-up Hallmark holiday like Boss's Day, or World Nutella Day, or German Apples Day--

MOONDOGGIE: Don't you be dissing Tag des Deutschen Apfels! 

SHADOW:  Um. Sorry...?

MOONDOGGIE: If the Germans hear about your potty mouth, they might refuse to honor my gift card to Wienerwald!

Happy National Kitten Day!

Well, even though they're no longer kittens, and certainly no Brett Kavanaugh, I would like to formally nominate the cats for Supreme Kitty of the United States!

Moondoggie 2007

Shadow 2015

Today

Your National Kitten Council recommends you snuggle kittens at least three times a day.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The Dynamic Duo Edition

MOONDOGGIE: I'll save you! Old...chum...!

SHADOW: He's dreaming he's Batman again.

MOONDOGGIE: If I could only...reach my...utility belt...!

SHADOW: I keep hoping I'll show up in his dream as Catwoman, but since he obviously thinks he's the '66 Batman, all that sexual tension probably wouldn't go anywhere. Sigh.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Do You MIND?" Edition

SHADOW: Please go away, we're having Spoon Time. And if you don't mind, I've been waiting allllll week for this.

MOONDOGGIE: Is this a bad time? Should we maybe spoon later...?

SHADOW: NO!

Beast Blogging: The "Moondoggie's Drag Race" Edition

Moondoggie found a plastic shopping bag, and as a lifelong West Hollywood (adjacent) resident, decided to get Glam with it:

MOONDOGGIE: Shadow! Shadow! Who am I?

SHADOW: The light of my life, the fire of my loins--

MOONDOGGIE: Meryl Streep in The French Lieutenant's Woman! Get it?

SHADOW: Hey, cool! Let me in there, I'll do Jeremy Irons...

MOONDOGGIE: No! This is my drag show!

Then -- predictably -- it all went to hell:

MOONDOGGIE: Damn the Glam! Why can't I resist it?

Post-Friday Beast Blogging: The "Earworm Game" Edition

Since Facebook users are now shying away from those once ubiquitous games and quizzes ("What Bugaloo Are You?" or "Answer 10 Questions and We'll Guess Your Favorite War Atrocity!"), I thought we could fill the gap with a fun little recreational activity that won't scrape the contents of your wallet, address book, and whatever compromising bits of personal history you divulged to the Scientologists during that Free Personality Test you took on Hollywood Boulevard because you were hot and tired from walking and that folding chair next to the E-Meter looked so very enticing...

Anyway...

Based on what you know about these two, what song was each cat involuntarily singing in their head when they were surprised by the photographer?

Moondoggie

Shadow

Leave your informed or fanciful guesses in the comments.  We'll get things started...

Scott: You can tell by Moondoggie's stricken expression that at the moment the paparazzi caught up with him, he had "Billy, Don't Be a Hero" stuck in his head.

Mary: Judging by Shadow's expression -- moody, distant, melancholy, yet with a touch of Gallic fatalism -- I'm going to guess "Seasons in the Sun". The super lame Terry Jacks version.

Post-Friday Beast Blogging

Shadow's Journal, Day 5: I attempted to reach the summit of Mt. Mission Chair by negotiating the treacherous Couchback Traverse, but fell into a crevasse, and for all my struggles, I continue to slip deeper and ever deeper toward oblivion. I have but one request: Please cover my final resting place with Temptations brand Shrimpy Shrimp and Tantalizing Turkey Flavor Cat Treats, in the hopes that Moondoggie will eat his way down to me.

MOONDOGGIE: Huh? What day is it? Wha--SUNDAY? But I left a wake-up call for Tuesday!