The Nightmare-ening Day 3: DREAM WARRIORS (1987)

Man oh man. I wrote about A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors waaaaay back during Final Girl's formative days as an early entry in the "I Heart..." series. I was curious to find out if my feelings had changed in the near-decade-long (!!) interim. Guess what? Boy, they sure have changed.

I heart it even more now! How is this possible, how can I hold so much love? I don't even question whether or not this movie deserves such adoration because obviously it does...and if you don't believe me, I present you with these two pieces of evidence to prove my case:

Taryn's "beautiful...and bad" look and the stop-motion skeleton doing its little victory cheer. That's all it takes for this film to earn a Lifetime Achievement Oscar if you ask me. And since you're reading this, you kind of did ask, so.

This is the Nightmare on Elm Street for me. I was just the right age to totally buy into it, to totally identify with all the misfits who had to deal with adults who just don't get it, to totally find Nancy dying in Kristen's arms and getting dreamed into a beautiful dream to be a 100% higher tragedy than a million Sophie's Choices. (Between this and Deadly Friend, wow, that Wes Craven sure liked to toy with my volatile teen emotions!)

Dream Warriors is just so quintessentially 80s, anyone who has the slightest bit of fondness for horror from that era is going to find a lot to love: Jennifer Rubin, sparkle shower ghosts, a very special theme song, Craig Wasson, this kid whom you always think is another Jacoby sibling even though he never is:

For fuck's sake, it's called "Dream Warriors"! Not-Jacoby shoots friggin' green movie lightning out of his fingers! How much more 80s horror can you get?

Look, just because I love this movie doesn't mean I don't recognize its faults, the most egregious of which is that since her days on Elm Street, Nancy Thompson has taken to living her life as the world's dowdiest 21-year-old.

I admit, however, that her funeral attire smacks of Joan Collins on Dynasty and as such I enthusiastically approve of it.

Okay, actually the biggest sin of Dream Warriors is probably that it's the beginning of the end of Freddy Krueger as a horror villain remotely resembling anything scary. In fact, this is the moment where he changes from nightmare killer into "wiseguy pop culture icon":

He's just killed Zsa Zsa Gabor and then he turns into a TV and I repeat he turns into a TV and then he has a one-liner: "Welcome to primetime, bitch!" It's stupid and I dig it because it's stupid–and yes, I savor the absolute fucking weirdness of cameos by Zsa Zsa and Dick Cavett–but it signifies the End Times for A Nightmare on Elm Street, my friends.

For its place in the series and the genre at large, though, it's a notable film. Breaking the standard slasher mold, several characters manage to survive...including the black guy, can you believe it? And we get some maybe needed-maybe not needed history into who exactly Fred Krueger was when it's revealed that he's the "bastard son of 100 maniacs." If only he'd been the bastard son of 10,000 Maniacs, then he would have lived a life singing earnest, politically-minded kinda folkish music instead of a life full of child murderin'. Alas!

Listen, if Final Girl is still around in another decade then I solemnly swear to take yet another look at A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Who knows, maybe by then I'll somehow be able to heart it even a little bit more!

P.S. how come no one ever talks about this teardrop that Joey has on his face in one scene

Day 4: WES CRAVEN'S NEW NIGHTMARE (1994)

Ah, 1994. The best of times in fashion for sure, as it was the times of vests, plum-colored lipstick, and McDonald's golden arches-looking hair on guys. As for horror movies, however, it was the worst of times. 1994 brought us tepid sequels of tepid original films (okay, sure, I love Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings) and some of those weirdly neutered "Hollywood" horror movies, you know, like Kenneth Branagh's Frankenstein. Who was that supposed to appeal to? And then, out of nowhere, comes Wes Craven's New Nightmare, a so-meta-it-will-blow-your-mind entry in the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. Well, it's not an entry in the franchise exactly; it sort of sits outside the franchise and points at it and comments on it, like a Statler and Waldorf unto itself.

It turns out, you see, that the 1991 film Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare wasn't final at all ("I know that feeling!" - Friday the 13th Part IV); instead, "killing" Freddy in the movie merely severed the ties that bound his evil force to fictional worlds. Free from the constraints of the screen, Freddy manifests in the real world and terrorizes those who helped bring him to life in the first place: actors Heather Langenkamp, Robert Englund, and writer/director Wes Craven. The original film gradually converges with reality, and much as Nancy Thompson battled the child killer in her dreams a decade earlier in A Nightmare on Elm Street, so must Langenkamp face off against him again.

Yes, it's as goddamned clever as it sounds. New Nightmare is many things: a commentary on actors forever linked with a role, the effects of horror on audiences and children (won't someone think of the children?), the effects of horror on the people who create it, the propensity of audiences to idolize the killers, and more. While it is, by its nature, as self-referential as a film can possibly be, it doesn't play like a deconstruction or rulebook along the lines of Scream, another Wes Craven work that revitalized the slasher genre two years after New Nightmare.

The numerous callbacks to A Nightmare on Elm Street are entirely welcome and well done, not the elbow-to-the-ribs get it? wink wink references they could have been. They're not there exclusively so audiences will say "Hey, I remember that!", à la virtually every joke on your average episode of Family Guy. They can be read as loving nods, sure, or–if you're feeling less generous–examples of filmmakers being burdened by their past work, unable to move on. Of course, while Langenkamp comments in the film that Craven has moved on from horror, he opines that they never should have killed Freddy. (And again, Scream was right around the corner. Craven clearly loved the genre even if his scholarly past likely had him questioning it from time to time.)

Proving as fearless as Nancy Thompson, Heather Langenkamp also descends into Freddy's world of nightmares to get shit done and take him out. My heart grew three sizes when she let out a vicious "Fuck you!" and hauled off and clocked the burnt-faced pussy. As we all know, however, even the best of the Final Girls can't keep a horror icon down for long. And as the late, great, Mr. Craven noted, maybe we shouldn't. After all...evil never dies.

see what I mean

MANIAC MADNESS: The End of Round One!

Holy crap, y'all, yesterday was intense! Even just typing about it has me reaching for a quaalude. Okay, maybe my barbiturate addiction has me reaching...but still, yesterday was full of action. Leatherface defeated Madman Marz in landslide fashion, garnering 91% of the votes. Mrs. Voorhees and Angela were neck and neck at 50% each all day, until a few Angela fans rallied and nudged her to a 51% victory. And in a stunning upset- STUNNING I SAY- #13 seed Naked Space Vampire handily defeated #4 seed Carmilla. I thought for sure the classic lesbian vampire would trounce that brash young sci-fi upstart, but I learned a harsh lesson: never underestimate the power of a full-frontal crystal nudie.

Here's your updated bracket, reflecting all of yesterday's highs, lows, and creamy middles (a printable blank one can be found here):

Okay, let's get to it. You have a lot of voting to do, friends, because we're gonna finish out Round One. Go, team. Go.

Man, these guys really look alike, don't they? Beyond aesthetics, though, there aren't many similarities between Freddy Krueger of A Nightmare on Elm Street and The Burning's Cropsy. Sure, you might think Freddy will walk away with an easy victory here, but may I remind you: nobody ever called Cropsy a "burnt-faced pussy"!

Public OpinionPoll Results

Ah, Billy of Black Christmas and Harry Warden of My Bloody Valentine: two of my favorite wackadoos. Glad I don't have to choose between 'em!

Public OpinionPoll Results

Poor Kenny (Terror Train). He's humiliated right into mental illness, he kills a bunch of people whilst looking like Gene Shalit, and he ends his miserable life with a resounding SPLAT on the ice. And now he's going to be handily defeated by one of the most- if not THEN most- iconic movie psycho of all time. I know, I know, DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN and all that, but I think it's safe to say. You're welcome to THRILL ME with an upset, though, voters!

Public OpinionPoll Results

Okay, now shit gets real. The Swarm is an amazing piece of bloated animals-run-amok gorgeousness. But can the swarm of The Swarm take down Bug's fire-farting cockroaches? Excuse me- Bug's fire-farting cockroaches that can spell?!

Public OpinionPoll Results

Anyone who's read Final Girl longer than...well, right this second...knows that the vampire puppy has my heart. I love vampire puppy SO MUCH. However, it's but one brilliant thing- the most brilliant thing- in Zoltan: Hound of Dracula, which ultimately isn't as great as you want it to be. The Manitou, however, is but one brilliant thing in a movie chock-a-clock full of brilliant things. Seriously, it's a William Girdler-at-his-most-William Girdler production, and it's 100% amazing. Tough call, y'all. Well, for me, anyway. I don't know how you feel about these two and I don't care! Just kidding, of course I care a whole mess.

Public OpinionPoll Results

How can you choose, look how cool they both are in their shades! Okay, yeah, Leprechaun heads up a certifiable franchise...but we all know that Rumplestiltskin is the best movie ever.

Public OpinionPoll Results

Look I love The Fog and I love The Exorcist but I have to get out of here because I hate Captain Howdy/Pazuzu's face

Public OpinionPoll Results

I love these rotting, undead fellows. Tarman (Return of the Living Dead) wants brains, and Nathan Grantham ("Father's Day"- Creepshow) wants cake. Who can't relate to both of them?

Public OpinionPoll Results

Nosferatu or Mr. Barlow (Salem's Lot)? I don't what to tell you. Good frickin' luck deciding.

Public OpinionPoll Results

Phantasm's iconic silver sphere takes on what many consider to be the best thing about Resident Evil: those deadly lasers. This match is sure to be a cut-up. HA HA HAAAAAA i need more coffee

Public OpinionPoll Results

I don't really have a horse-powered horse in this race, I have to admit. The Hearse features devil worship, which is always fun, but The Car features an iconic honk, James Brolin, Kyle AND Kim Richards, and a lady who yells "Cat poo!" Wait...I totally have a horse-powered horse in this race. The Car rules my world!

Public OpinionPoll Results

I know people love Chucky, but to be honest, I've never been completely enamoured...although I will say it's about time I revisit Child's Play, the film that launched Chuckmania. Still, I'm totally rooting for the underdog here, that brokedown girl version, Dolly Dearest. The Child of Satan! Denise Crosby giving her best monotone performance! Props, Dolly Dearest, props to you.

Public OpinionPoll Results

Whee! Round One ends tonight at midnight EST, so vote vote vote while you can.

I Heart: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

I'd like to start things off with a little Public Service Announcement: Part 2 (of 4) of Hungry Like the Wolf is up today at Nightmare World for your reading pleasure. Read it, dagnabbit!

I'd like to continue things with a disclaimer: I have a fondness for A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) that is so large, I'm not entirely sure anymore if the movie is actually deserving of said fondness. I'm telling you this because my opinion and glowing praise of it is completely wrapped in a gauzy haze of nostalgia-induced love. So if you see NoES 3 on my recommendation and you hate it and find yourself saying "That movie sucked! That Final Girl lied to me! I'm gonna tear her a new one!", well, I simply can't be held responsible. I have disclaimed!

But look at that poster art! Can a movie with poster art that sweet really suck? And can I be a Dream Warrior when I grow up? Pleeeeease?

Most of you probably have seen this bright spot in the Freddy Krueger saga by now, but for those of you who haven't, the premise is simple. Freddy's back, and he's trying to kill off the "last of the Elm Street children"- the children whose parents burned him alive years before. These kids are a rag-tag group of ne'er-do-wells whose suicidal tendencies have landed them in a mental hospital. Lucky for them, one fellow failed suicide, the plucky Kristen (Patricia Arquette), has the ability to pull people into her dreams. Also lucky for them, Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) from the original Elm Street is an intern at the hospital! She leads the charge and the Dream Warriors jump into Kristen's nightmare and head off to "kick the motherfucker's ass all over dreamland". Yay!! Go, Dream Warriors, go! I love you, Dream Warriors!

As I said, I no longer have any idea if NoES3 is actually good or not. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it good/bad? I'm pretty sure it falls into all three categories at once, which in and of itself is quite a feat. There's a few undisputably great moments, but then there's also some moments that are so...so...so cringe-worthy that my cheeks almost burst into flame from embarrassment whilst watching. Let's just break this bad boy down and see what we get, alright?

THE GOOD

- while Nancy's hair is bigger than ever before, it seems she has, at long last, become acquainted with the product known as "conditioner".

- the creepy girl on the tricycle in Kristen's opening dream sequence. While standing in the basement, she says "This is where he takes us" and for a moment you realize and/or remember what a monster Freddy Krueger was. People end up rooting for Freddy with his quips and his creative kills (which is a whole other topic in itself, the "rooting for the bad guy" impulse), but while alive he would take children to a basement and kill them. Treated more seriously, the Nightmare series could have been terrifying.

-the battle with Freddy's re-animated skeleton in the car yard. Yeah, it looks pretty fake and it's pretty silly, but it's just so Ray Harryhausen that I can't help but love it. Fuck CGI, man.

-learning Freddy's origins: the ghost of Amanda Krueger tells how Freddy is "the bastard son of 100 maniacs". That's an awesome layer to add to the character. Treated more seriously, the Nightmare series could have explored the nature of evil.

-the marionette sequence. Freddy pulls long strands of muscles out of a character's four limbs and guides him out of a top-storey window like a puppet. Grody to the max.

-the cast. You've got "Larry" Fishburne as Max, the tough-love orderly; Jennifer Rubin of Bad Dreams as bad girl Taryn; Craig Wasson of Ghost Story as Dr. Gordon, who you know is totally in love with Nancy but won't say it; the always-welcome John Saxon; and as the doctor who just doesn't get it, the lady who also played Pam Ewing's long-lost mother on Dallas...you know I was all over that.

-Kincaid calling Freddy a "burnt-faced pussy". It just makes me laugh.

THE GOOD/BAD

I just decided, I'm not going to call any of this stuff outright bad. It's all sort of embarassing, but I'm calling it all some corny-ass good/bad goodness. So there.

-when the nerd in the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses declares "In my dreams, I am the Wizard Master!" and shoots green bolts out of his fingertips.

-when Taryn declares "In my dreams, I'm beautiful...and bad!" We know she's bad because 1) she busts out her twin switchblades; 2) she sports glitter on her chest; 3) she has a two-foot mohawk thing going on.


-Max calling Kincaid "Cool Breeze". What a delightfully uncool "cool" 80s nickname.

-the fact that Zsa Zsa Gabor is in this movie...it's just...I love it, yet...it's Zsa Zsa Gabor. In a slasher movie. Zsa Zsa. And she gets killed by Freddy Krueger...it...does...not compute. How do I feel right now?

-I'm not a fan of "funny" Freddy, and this is the movie where he starts to become the Henny Youngman of horror: "Get ready for prime time, bitch!" Bleh.

-Nancy's father's ghost floats down to her in a shower of sparkling sparkles. He's like a disco, rock-star ghost from Xanadu or something.

So there you have it, whatever it is. Yep, I heart A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors from the creepy kid at the beginning to Don Dokken's singing "We're the dreeeeam warriors!" over the closing credits and all the corniness in between. That corniness includes, of course, the giant Freddy head/snake thing that almost devours Kristen. But this picture...disturbs me. Patricia Arquette looks like she's actually having a good time, if you know what I mean...and I think you do.