Happiness is a Warm Gun

James Michener had a quote from The Drifters (1971): “If the last family of Brontosaurus was found wandering the Earth, some son of a bitch from Western Oklahoma would claim the right to shoot the male.”

And that brings us to the Bridger-Teton National Forest in Wyoming. It was home to the world’s largest bison — breaking an 82-year-old record. And how do we know how large this bison was? Because some retarded redneck shot it.

The conquering hero was E.D. “Dude Where's My Dick” Riekens, Jr. of Cheyenne, WY. He told reporters: “Uugghh! This was the best sex I’ve ever had. My gun was sooo hot! When I saw this guy, it was like I was looking at a dinosaur or a mammoth. This guy was just so different and massive and huge. There was no question about whether I would hold off. It just had to be done…I was getting closer and closer waiting for an opportunity. Finally, he gave me the perfect chance, and I didn’t hesitate for a second. He was dead before I let go of the trigger, which is a good thing.”

This particular bison had been well-known for years among the local population. They nicknamed him “Old Lonesome.” Thank God somebody finally killed him.