The World According to CPAC

At this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) gathering, we learned five things the Liberal Media will never tell us.  Did you know:

The Catholic Church has been infiltrated by — infested with — Marxists, homosexuals and New Age devil worshipers.  This dire warning was brought to us by Cliff Kincaid, founder of America’s Survival.  Just one chilling example:  Catholic bishops “made a deal with the devil to get Obamacare passed.”

Gay marriage is even more hazardous to America than you ever suspected.  The American Society for the Defense of Tradition, Family and Prosperity warned CPAC attendees of the “10 Reasons Why Homosexual ‘Marriage’ is Harmful and Must be Opposed.”  Just ten???  Now hold on — the Ruth Institute has a brochure stating the “77 Non-Religious Reasons to Support Man/Woman Marriage.”

Thanks to the American Jobs Alliance, we now know that the United Nations is planning to impose Sharia Law on America, and “a quarter of the entire U.S. land area will fall under UN court jurisdiction.”

ProEnglish — gee, I wonder what their mission could be — is warning us that Puerto Rico’s statehood referendum was rigged.  It’s part of a diabolical plot to dilute English — the cornerstone of American culture — with that swarthy Hispanic language.

And finally:  George Soros controls EVERYTHING!!!  Oh come on, we already knew that.

Bill Maher talked about the fact that such a tiny number of rightwing wackjobs can wield such a disproportional amount of power over the Republican Party and the national dialogue.  He called it “shit-kicker inflation, which is the problem of all things conservative being portrayed as way bigger than they really are.”

For example — Bill Donahoe’s Catholic League.  “It’s just one guy with a fax machine.”

Same with One Million Moms.  I don’t know how many “moms” this group has, but they have fewer than 3,000 followers on Twitter.

The linked article describes CPAC as “where the looniest and most far-flung reaches of the far right are given a microphone and a chance to court the next generation of Republicans.”

Or as Bill Maher put it:  “They’re just so loud, they haven’t noticed America has moved on without them.”

“I was a Right-Wing Child Star”

No, this isn’t the title of a bad science fiction movie.  It’s the title of this article written by Jonathan Krohn.

Four years ago, Jonathan Krohn was a 13-year-old prodigy who gave a speech at the annual CPAC (Conservative Political Action Conference) gathering.  He instantly became the Great White Hope for the Far Right.

Now, four years later, he’s renounced his rightwing views.  And according to the Rightwing Noise Machine, he’s mutated from the Great White Hope to Benedict Arnold.  In his own words:

“My involvement at such a young age happened for manifold reasons: I always enjoyed writing (I had gotten my first paid writing gig when I was 9), I enjoyed politics (or at least the theory of politics), and I grew up in Georgia, where conservative ideologues dominated the radio and the populace. Mix those things with the naïveté of a kid and you’ve got the perfect recipe for a fresh, right-wing pundit...”

“I felt justified in my beliefs if for no other reason than no one actually told me I was wrong. Instead, men like Bill Bennett and Newt Gingrich hailed me as the voice for my generation and a hope for America.”

Then last week an interview was published, in which Jonathan Krohn declared he was no longer a conservative.  And the rightwing media, particularly the Daily Caller, went ballistic.  Regarding the rightwing hissy-fitters, Krohn says:

“These are not adults leveling serious criticism; these are scorned right-wingers showing all the maturity of a little boy. No wonder I fit in so well when I was 13.”

Zing!

CPAC: “Mardi Gras for the Right”

Only instead of beads, boobs and Hurricanes, we’ll be getting high on Jesus.  And not just any “Jesus,” nosireebob.  It has to be the Supply Side Jesus — the Real Jesus, the Jesus who embraced the moneylenders and drove the beggars from the temple.

(H/T to TomCat at PoliticsPlus, where I first saw the term Supply Side Jesus.)

CPAC — the Conservative Political Action Conference — is the 40th annual gathering of Real Americans.  And if you have to ask, you’re a Real American if you think America used to be a great country but started  deteriorating around 1900.  That’s when Theodore Communist Roosevelt started whining about corporations being too powerful.  And on top of that, Flagburner Roosevelt had this wacky concept of “public” lands.  Public lands???  God created that land so that productive Americans could OWN it.  He put it there for mining, cattle grazing, chopping down trees.  And some of His land was also intended for the luxurious private estates of hardworking billionaires; that was fine with Him.  He DIDN’T create that land so that a bunch of faceless bureaucrats could cordon it off, call it a “national park,” and allow the riffraff to come in and gawk.

Just a minute, I’m getting all riled up.  I need to go thump the Bible for a minute…

OK:  In addition to hearing speeches by Mitt Romney (who invited that moderate jellyfish?), Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum, you can also listen to Paul Ryan telling it like it is:  Social Security and Medicare have created a nation of helpless dependent parasites.

And there’s good news for those of you who hate queers:  That group of Republican homosexuals that calls themselves GOProud will NOT be darkening CPAC’s doorway this year.  As every fetus-worshiping Biblehump knows, you CANNOT be a Republican, a Christian AND a homosexual at the same time.  And because GOProud won’t be here, the Family Research Council — who refuses to be in the same zip code as those simpering GOProud homos — WILL be joining us this year.  Hallelujah!!!

Sarah Palin will also be speaking.  It’ll be her first appearance at a CPAC gathering.  And saving the best for last:  the final night of CPAC will culminate in the annual Reaganpalooza party.  (If you have to ask, you ain’t a Real American.)  The Reaganpalooza will be held at the Teatro Goldoni on K Street.

See ya there.

Republicans: “Backward, March!”

I stole that line from a column by Paul Krugman. His column ends with:

“We’ve always known that the modern G.O.P. wants to take America back to the way it was before the New Deal; but now it’s clear that the party wants to build a bridge to the 19th century, and maybe even to the antebellum era. Backward, march!”

He points out that Republicans no longer refer to themselves as “the party of Lincoln.” Nope, that ship sailed a long time ago. The party whose governors keep threatening to secede, naming itself after the president who PREVENTED the southern states from seceding — LOL. That one flunked the smell test a long time ago.

The GOP’s “Backward, March!” order was loud and clear at last week’s Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) gathering. If nothing else, they set a new Guinness World Record for “number of inbreds per square inch.”

There’s nothing more pathetic — it’s also sort of funny in that sick sort of way — than a bunch of Far Right extremists all trying to out-wingtard each other. “I want to bring America back to the 1800s and ban ALL abortion.” “I want to take us back to the 1700s and put all rape victims in jail. They were asking for it!”

Ann Coulter, Andrew Breitbart, Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, all at the same gathering — no wonder there was an emergency pollution alert. Somebody should have called in a waste removal truck.

Orange Alert! Grover Norquist is a Muslim Terrorist!

Nah, probably not. But this latest outburst of Extreme Rightwing paranoia is just too twisted for words.

This article sounds more like “Who’s On First” or that Spy vs. Spy comic from Mad Magazine.

Rightwing activist Frank “Guided By Voices” Gaffney claims that some members of the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) are Muslim secret agents. Gaffney told WorldNet Daily (who else?) that the CPAC:

“…is involved in a stealthy effort to bring Shariah to the United States. This is a ticking time bomb for the conservative community. An influence operation is contributing materially to the defeat of our country.”

Gaffney is directing his witch hunt at two high-ranking members of CPAC. One of them is Suhail Khan. Well, [splutter] [sheesh] with a name like that, of COURSE he’s a Muslim terrorist. How the hell did that falafel-guzzling towel-head ever get into this country in the first place?!?!?

And the other suspect is Grover Norquist. Hmmm…the name doesn’t sound like he’s from one of them Ay-rab countries. But wait — Grover Norquist is the one who’s always talking about shrinking the government down to the size of a bathtub and then drowning it. He’s been claiming he wants a smaller government so that productive Americans can keep their hard-earned money instead of giving it away to a bunch of lazy parasites. But apparently, all along [gasp] Everything is suddenly so clear now. That whole “limited government” “self-reliance” thingy was just a ruse.

Their REAL motive is: a bathtub-size government won’t have the resources to spy on Americans and root out those Muslim subversives who would destroy America from within!

Suhail Khan and Grover Norquist: Yer Busted! Off to Gitmo with the both of you!

Rightwing extremists have been turning on each other for generations. No matter how far to the right you are, there’ll always be somebody else who’s further right than you and thinks you’re nothing but a no-good limp-wristed socialist. But Frank Gaffney’s latest tinfoil-hattery is one for the books.

It’s straight out of Bob Dylan’s “John Birch Society Blues.” I don’t remember the exact lyrics, but to paraphrase the last few sentences:

“Now that I’ve found out everyone else around me is a Communist, there’s nothing left to do but start investigating myself…Oh My God!”

Attending a Wingtard Convention: Inside the Belly of the Beast

You’ve gotta check out this article. It’s long, but it’s an excellent read: appalling, hilarious, infuriating, absurd...

The author, Leonard Pierce, infiltrated the annual meeting of the Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC). He got in by posing as a lobbyist for the American Milk Solids Council. We know that two percent of America has gotten rich beyond belief in the past 7 years, and that 19% still think George W. Bush is doing a heckuva job.

Knowing those statistics is one thing, but just imagine being surrounded by thousands of these people. As Pierce describes it, “Here's a description of Hell: a huge room full of all the people you hate most, and they're all having a wonderful time.”

There's a speech by Dick Cheney (of course). During his speech, the crowd starts cheering and yelling “Four More Years!” Cheney gives the usual soundbites about 9/11, telecom immunity and the wonders of torture. But the most telling thing about Cheney’s speech was the observation that: “His defense of torture gets a standing ovation, but his praising of our fighting men in uniform does not. It takes a man to fight, but it takes a train to waterboard.”

Next comes Mitt Romney’s famous speech where he says he entered the race because he loves his country and now he's leaving (the race, not the country) for the same reason.

And there has to be a speech by Dumbya. Before Boozo the Clown even begins his speech, the crowd starts chanting “Four More Years!”

Bush’s speech itself had the predictable Bushisms: “Dick Cheney is the greatest vice president in the history of the United States.” The Bush Administration “didn't seek the approval of editorialists…and we darned sure didn't seek permission from groups like Code Pink and MoveOn before taking action.”

But check out Pierce’s description of Bush:

“In person, he looks a little haggard and tired: no legacy to speak of, no friends overseas (whither Pooty-Poot? a nation turns its starving eyes to you), and another boatload of corpses to go and frown at later today. He won't last as long as his old man once he's out of office: With no one to stand in the way of, with no one to infuriate, with no press hanging over his shoulder for him to mutter ‘fuck off’ at, he'll wither away and disappear, just another burnout boomer with prostate cancer and no hobbies.”

cross-posted at Bring It On!