Cry Like a Man

Last January Toben and two other folks from our editorial team made the journey to Detroit in the freezing cold to meet a man that would change all of our lives. Jason Wilson is an African-American man that has a heart for helping all men break free from the emotional incarceration that many have grown up with and are held hostage to this day because of it. He and his wife also started The Cave of Adullum that serves young boys in the city of Detroit.

I was excited about the fact that Cook wanted to publish a book with Jason, but I was even more excited that the work he and Nicole are doing hits so close to my heart. Well here we are sitting at the airport as we get ready to head back to Detroit (but this time together) to celebrate Jason’s new book Cry Like a Man. I can’t express enough how impactful this book has been to my work and personal life. I’ve been asked if this book is good for women as well as man. My simple answer is “If you have a man or a boy in your life that you love and want to understand and see thrive, then read this book”.

So tonight we will gather downtown Detroit with a couple hundred other people to celebrate, listen, and learn from not only Jason, but a number of other folks as well. Including Van Lathan from TMZ who some may not know, but I have been a huge fan since the day he went head-to-head with Kanye West when West have the nerve to say “Salvary was a choice”.

I love the fact that Toben and I get to make this trip together to celebrate Jason, celebrate his book, and see how the past year of work is changing lives across the world. All of this should be enough for me, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t crazy happy to know that I’ll get to see my mom and dad for brunch tomorrow. It would have been sad to go all the way to Michigan without seeing my parents.

So here’s to a 24 hour trip with my best friend, my man and the love of my life!

January 26, 2019 1

One Month Prayer Challenge

Over our 10 days away I found it more challenging than normal to get in and stay in the Word. That’s not an excuse, but simply the truth. However, one thing I ran across was an imag on Instagram with a challenge to go into 2019 pick 1 month of your choice to simply pray for someone else. This challenge encouraged the readers to not tell that person you were praying for them, but to be intentional about praying every every single day and to see what happens.

This led me to here and got me thinking about prayer and what is really means. So I started digging and found out that prayer or some form of that word is mentioned over 600 times in the Bible. I should point out that it all depends on the translation you are using NIV, KJV, CSB, the Message they are simply all different in the way they translate the original Hebrew & Greek.

Prayer in Hebrew simply means “interacting with God” this can be in asking for help or as an expression of thanks. Christian prayer however looks at prayer as a belief that God could be petitioned to intervene and effect change. After looking at the meaning(s) of prayer I look at Romans 8:26 in my top 3 favorite translations and settled on the translation (interpretation) from The Message.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get riled in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside healing us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and or us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. Tat’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love God is worked into something good.”

I mean can I get an AMEN?!?! Seriously, how amazing is it that part of our triune God in interceding for us 24/7!

Ok, so back to this challenge…it’s 12/31/18 here in Colorado and I’m offering up a challenge to all of my friends to pick a month and commit to it. Pray for your spouse, your kids, your parents, your significant other, or YOUR ENEMY. Yes I said your enemy! In Matthew 5:43-47 of The Message we read:

“You’re familiar with the old written law, ‘Love your friend,’ and its unwritten companion, ‘Hate your enemy.’ I’m challenging that. I’m telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that.”

Are you ready? Are you in? Do you have someone in mind? I know I do…actually a couple people. I want my best to rise to the top, I don’t want to be a reason to point someone further away from God, but closer. Bring on 2019 because I’m ready

December 31, 2018 0

Christmas in Michigan

As I write this we are 1/2 way back from our journey to Michigan to be with my family. For years my brother and his family, our parents, and myself took turns hosting everyone. We would all stay the night at each other’s house and wake-up Christmas morning ready to share gifts, laughs, and food. I’ve not been able to do that for the past 2 Christmas’ and it’s been tough. I mean I’ve gone back both years, but it’s simply not the same.

So this year we made the decision we were going to spend Christmas in Michigan. It also meant we had to do Christmas with Toben’s family a week early, thankfully they understood and love us enough and made that happen. They are now off on their own adventure, but it means we won’t see them for awhile, I’m just glad we have FaceTime!

A few things have happened since I was last in Michigan for our family, the biggest change has been with my dads health. Does he still struggle a bit? Of course, but if you know or read any of the post I’ve made about him -it is literally night and day difference. I mean my gently giant of a father is speaking louder and more clearly than I’ve heard him in years. He’s walking taller, stronger, and with more courage and strength than I’ve seen in years. He has his smile back again…he DANCED with my momma on Christmas Eve. It might have something to do the fact we were watching Selina!

But as my sister-in-law so tenderly put it, we were missing someone at the table again this year. I can’t believe it’s our 2nd Christmas without him. I look at Sue and Brendan and see in their eyes how much they wish he was next to them. I watch my parents and know they are missing a part of their soul. My family is still hurting…we are still grieving and there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. Hell I still find myself in disbelief that he is actually gone. I mean Tony is my big brother, he was supposed to look out for me, he was only 43…he was too young. And we deeply miss him being with us.

Part of the beauty in being home this past week was saying his name out loud. I love hearing “Tony” this or “Dad” that, I simply love talking about him. Remembering him and remembering how much he loved his family!

So, here I am in this hotel room and can’t help but think back on this past week and finding myself smiling, crying, wishing I was back “home”, wishing I was already home, but trying to savor each of these moments of life.

December 30, 2018 0

Acknowledging My Fears

Do I really need surgery?

On December 13th I went in for what was a “simply & routine” surgery to have my gallbladder removed. I’ve been suffering from tummy issues for longer than I realized, but the onset of the worst issue started over 2 years ago. I think it all came to ahead on September 23rd while we were in Michigan awaiting my dad surgery that would save his life on the 24th. Late that night I started to not feel well and was overcome with the most intense pain ever. We had gotten to the point that Toben told me if I didn’t go to the ER that night that I had to promise him I would get in to see a specialist as soon as we got home.

Fast forward to last month, I was finally able to get in to see Dr. Meister. He was caring and took his time to listen to me. He told me that he believed it was my gallbladder and that I needed to get testing done ASAP. After my ultrasound his nurse called me and said I still needed to do the dye with contrast scan, but that my gallbladder is showing a number of stone and that I need to talk to my surgeon ASAP and get surgery scheduled. That brings us to last week as I was preparing for this simple and routine surgery.

Unspeakable fears

I’m not sure where my fears all came from, but I knew they were real and that I needed to tell Toben how much I loved him before it was too late. When I had surgery back in September, they had a very hard time with my breathing and keeping it regulated after I woke up. The last 2.5 months I’ve struggled with sinus infections, respiratory infections and my asthma. It was the absolute worst it has been in over 30 years. And if that wasn’t enough, there isn’t a day that I forget that my brother died when he was 43 and here I sit at 42, so I live with this fear and hope that I will see 44. I was completely convinced that I would stop breathing during this surgery and that Toben would be told that his wife didn’t make it.

There are a few things I know for sure about my life and that is, Toben & Emma need me as much as I need them, that my parents need me and couldn’t face the loss of another child, and that Sue and Brendan need me to be ok so we can walk this grief journey together. Knowing all of this didn’t calm my storm. I spent the 2 weeks before surgery living with this fear and afraid to speak the words out loud. It was important for me that Toben’s parents were with him at the hospital to hold his hand if the doctor gave him bad news.

Thankfully the night before surgery I faced my fears and became very transparent with Toben. He prayed for me, assured me that I would be ok, and listened to my heart. That gave me the courage to tell the doctors my fears and find comfort in knowing they heard me and would care for me. I came through the surgery and the first thing I thought of when my eyes opened, was that God was giving me another day with my love. And if that isn’t enough, my breathing is better than it has been in 3 months, the constant coughing I’ve lived with nearly ceased, my healing is happening and God is controlling each of these miracles.

Toben isn’t just my best friend, he is my constant companion, cheerleader, and caregiver. He loves me in a way that I didn’t know people loved each other. The way he has cared for me and demonstrated his love over these past few months if beyond what I deserve. I am proud to be his wife and life partner. Toben I love you and love being your forever girlfriend!

December 18, 2018 0

The Gift of Health

Jamie had her gallbladder taken out a few days ago. She had been having abdominal pain for more than a year before she went to the doctor and found out the her gallbladder was shot. Being that it is the end of the year, and we met our insurance deductible, we went to the surgeon and he agreed to get her in before the end of the year.

Dr. Chambers did Jamie’s back surgery a couple of months ago. We both really liked him so we were excited that he was available to do her gallbladder surgery. Talk about a great bedside manner! He is easy going, easy to talk to and is one of those guys that just has a quite confidence that makes you feel like everything will be ok.

The surgery went just fine. The anesthesia hits Jamie pretty hard, and it took a while for her to come out of it. But we got to go home the same day. Since then she has been in some pain, but has been able to rest and recuperate. And I get to take care of her, which I enjoy doing. I am sure some would think it’s a drag, but something in me gives me great joy when I get to show Jamie how much I love her by taking care of her in this way.

In a week we will be in Michigan. We are driving back at the end of the week and will be with Jamie’s family for the holidays. I’m so looking forward to that! We are praying that the wether is OK for our drive. We will go as far as Kansas City the first day and then on into Grand Rapids the second. It will be so fun to see everyone! I am so excited for them to open the gifts we bought, and to share meals together. It’ll be the perfect way to wrap up 2018.

The best gift of all this Christmas is the gift of health. Jamie’s dad had surgery a few months back and it has dramatically improved his health. Jamie had her back surgery, and now her gallbladder surgery and will be in better shape than she’s been in a year. My mom and dad continue to enjoy good health as have Emma and I. I have to say that I think the gift of health is the best gift of all. So here’s to your health! Have a great Christmas!

December 16, 2018 0

Thankful!

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Feels like the last year has flown by. But so much has happened. I am thankful for a lot this year.

I am thankful that my father-in-law is doing so well! Since his surgery his health and mobility have improved and he is up and about. There were tough days for him but he battled through. And my mother-in-law has been by his side the whole way. I am thankful for both of them.

I am thankful for the trip to the Tetons that my dad and I got to take this fall. It was smokey, be we had a great time hiking around the park. Dad even managed to get some good photos despite the conditions. Definitely a trip to remember. And I am thankful for my mom who had a birthday just a few weeks back–still healthy and active too.

I am thankful for Emma. She got accepted to the college of her choice and continues to crush it at school. She is tutoring math and loving that, which I think might actually lead her to a career teaching math. I am so excited for her to finish strong and continue her adventure next spring.

Most of all I am thankful for Jamie. For years I thought that God was done with me, that I had nothing much left to look forward to in life. And then God brought Jamie and I together and my life has never been richer. She is everything I could have ever hoped for. I am thankful that she is the first person I see every morning and the last person I see every night. Can’t wait to see what happens between this year and next. So many things to look forward to including our adventure to Michigan here in a few weeks!

Yes, there are many other things that I am thankful for. I feel truly blessed. I hope that wherever you are reading this that you feel blessed this Thanksgiving too.

November 21, 2018 0

It Doesn’t Get Easier

I put Jamie on an airplane to Indianapolis this afternoon. We recalled that we have had many sad goodbyes at the Denver International Airport. I remember the days before we were married when I would leave Jamie at the security line without knowing when I would see her next. Those goodbyes were the worst. But even today as she walked away I was sad. Not like soul-crushingly sad, but sad none the less. And I am pretty happy about that.

I think about how it must be in some marriages, that a trip away is a welcomed relief. I pray that God never lets our relationship slip to that place, where we are actually happy to be saying goodbye for a few days.

So Emma and I will have to make do for the next few days. The two of us do pretty well together. As I write this both of us are camped out on the couch . Emma is wrestling with Shakespeare, trying to figure out which of her writing prompts will allow her to write the best essay. I have been reading book proposals up until a minute ago–oh there was a good one in there! In a couple of hours we’ll figure out dinner. We are comfortable.

And Jamie is somewhere above 30,000 feet. I won’t be completely at ease until she lands. I know air travel is the safest travel but I still feel unsettled until I know she has made it safely. It doesn’t get any easier but I like it that way. It reminds me of how much I need her in my life and how things aren’t quite right without her here on the couch with us. Of course if she were here we would probably be watching the Hallmark channel!

November 7, 2018 0

Choosing to Heal

365 days ago my brother and one of the incredible humans took his final breath. Every moment since then I have fought against grief, anger, questioning, and loss. Today, I’m choosing to allow the healing to begin.

The day Tony won his victory is forever etched into my mind and soul, there are days that I’d give anything to erase those memories, but the reality is that we saw something that was beautiful and just short of what we will experience when we meet our Savior. On that last day of his life here on earth Tony was unconscious and yet having conversations with someone. We jokes that he was talking to our Auntie Lynn and she welcomed him into heaven. But, I believe with my entire being that he was indeed being ushered in to meet his Father.

I know that he was sad to leave Sue, Brendan, our parents, myself, and so many others…but he wasn’t scared. HE WAS READY! I wasn’t, I’m still not but I’m ready to not live each day with this cloud of sadness that has followed me. You see Tony and I may have shared DNA but that seems pretty small in comparison to the fact we both made decision to serve the one and only God. He created us in His image and will one day reconcile this world and I will get to sing His praises for all of my days…right along with my precious brother!

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things^[a] have passed away.” Revelations 21:4

One of the men that spoke at Tony’s going home celebration said something that hit me in the gut, it was where I was living and I’ve repeated it many times over the past year “It is well with my soul, but not with my heart”. I’ll never be ok with Tony not being here, but I’m ready for my heart to be well again. I know I will still look into the eyes of his bride, his son, or our parents and cry for no reason…but tears aren’t bad and I will continue to let each one drop and know healing comes with each one.

“https://open.spotify.com/embed/track/5t0izTLPeWYLiIfHPJbORJ“>It Is Well“

Grander earth has quaked before
Moved by the sound of His voice
Seas that are shaken and stirred
Can be calmed and broken for my regard

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
It is well with me

Far be it from me to not believe
Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me
Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

Through it all, through it all
My eyes are on You
Through it all, through it all
It is well

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name

October 18, 2018 0

Mountains and Family and Coffee and Such…

I finally got Jamie to Rocky Mountain National Park yesterday after two years here in Colorado. I can’t believe how long it has taken me to get that done! It was a weird weather day–lots of low-hanging clouds, cool temps and light crowds. I mean light crowds is a relative term. But we did manage to score a great parking spot at Bear Lake. It’s an unbelievably beautiful little lake and an easy walk. When we go there is was foggy but much of that lifted as we came around the far said of the lake. The fog didn’t lift enough for us to see Long’s Peak but it was still great. Fun to break out the puffy jackets for the season as well!

We hustled back through boulder (no traffic) and got home in time to meet my brother in law Ray for dinner. He is in boulder for a few days working on top secret NASA projects. We headed to Back East for dinner and got to catch some live music by a surprisingly good band. There were also dozens of Air Force cadets celebrating their football victory yesterday. It was a great crown and a fun environment to spend the evening. He spent the night at the house and we grabbed a quick breakfast at The Coffee Cup in Monument before he headed back north.

Now for coffee! Jamie and Emma and I are at Wild Goose enjoying the coffee (tea for Emma), the music and the general vibe of the place. Feels like just the right thing to do on a cloudy fall day. Not sure where the afternoon will take us but right now all is right with the world. Happy to stay in that space for even just a few hours!

October 7, 2018 0

The Myth of New Normal

I had a realization this week. There is no such thing as normal. I think I have been waiting around for this new normal to happen, for things to feel settled in and settled down. And I have been disappointed that we haven’t found that new normal state. Everything is in flux all the time. And that is the reality that we need to learn to thrive in!

The last two or three weeks have been a zoo. Two surgeries (one for Jamie and one for her dad), a car accident for Emma, college applications to pull together, a check engine light in our car, our travel back and forth to Michigan and about 1500 miles of driving while we were there, work stuff, parenting, trying to keep the house kept and everyone fed and clothed–seriously!

And then there are the underlying realities to deal with. We lost Tony almost a year ago. I believe there will never be anything normal about that. Dad is suffering in the hospital and there there will never be anything normal about that. We are far away from people who need us and who we would love to be there to support. Nope, nothing normal about that. I think all of this leaves us feeling pulled around the edges.

Like so many things this boils down to attitude and perspective. It is so easy for me to lose both, to be negative and myopic. So the mantra that I am going to start to repeat to myself before I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning will be, “There is no normal. Let’s do this!” And I’ll probably end up repeating that a few time throughout the day to boot. I want to position my head to accept that normal just doesn’t exist and to position my heart to rush headlong into whatever weirdness that day contains.

So, goodbye new normal. Bring on the weirdness!

October 2, 2018 0