hello hello. today i wanted to write something about my girl ANYA mouthwashing, specifically on why i like her so much. no reason in particular besides i wanted to try my hand at some writing on my blog posts and that i really love anya

a little forewarning, this post will contain Heavy mouthwashing spoilers and topics like suicide and sexual assasult, so if you arent comfortable with either of those skip this post for your own sake.

i know i've had a couple of people come up to me and not really seem to get anya as a character. a lot of people see the way she is after the crash and say "cool, that's anya. a nervous people pleaser who cant really seem to get her job right." I wouldn't blame anyone for reaching this conclusion. as my friend wvdb once put it "because the story of that fucking game is told to us like scrambled eggs." a lot of my love for this game comes from how open the interpertation is for these characters.

the post-crash scenes are all centered around jimmy's perspective. while you aren't outwardly told how to feel about anya, you're playing as someone who hates her. (something i find very fascinating about jimmy is that he despises anya for her perceived weakness but still desires her as a female. just as a female, not a person. BUT THATS FOR A DIFFERENT POST.) since anya is terrified of jimmy, you only get to see anya in what is basically survival mode. she is in the most isolated situation a person could be in. trapped alone in space with the man who drugged and impregnated her. a man who's paranoid and prone to snapping when things dont go exactly the way he wants. a man who she is terrified enough of that she begs curly to at the very least HIDE the only gun on the ship from him so he doesnt hurt anyone with it.

anya is the singular woman on board of the tulpar. curly seems to be the only member anya was deeply comfortable with, which makes sense. as shown in the pysch evaluations with jimmy telling her he was "sexually attracted to cartoon horses", jimmy was already being uncomfortably sexual with her before anything physical happened. it would not be much of a leap to assume she had told him to stop such behavior before, especially with how defeated she is when she's talking to curly about giving him his pysch eval. she could never trust him because he never respected her.

swansea, similarly never respected her (but his rudeness to her seems to fade when he learns what jimmy did to her during their conversation in the cockpit). he calls her a so-called nurse and was mad at her for cutting her leg on the vent, so she probably did not feel like he was a safe person to talk to about anything before the crash happened. daisuke is not only new to the tulpar, but was the youngest member. anya and daisuke have a positive relationship, but its possible due to his age and new status anya did not want to burden him with any problems of hers.

so this brings us back to curly, the tulpar member anya seemed to trust the most. the curly scenes are where i believe anya's REAL personality comes out. the true anya.. she jokes with curly, can calmly communicate her feelings to him, even does a little teasing of swansea about him liking the cake to curly?? swansea is a grumpy guy, so she really must've felt safe with curly to do that. the real anya is a silly girl!! curly also like kinda flirts with her in the pysch eval i think. Dunno how serious he was about that!

THE DEAD PIXEL SCENE. boo did i get you? okay, but seriously, this is another scene that shows how comfortable anya was with curly and unfortnuately this is a scene where that trust is going to be fractured. it's a very intimate scene! anya and curly up late at night, talkin about nothing in particular. you can assume it happens often. anya wanted so badly for curly to see her, and to see the dead pixel. i dont think he quite picked up what the poor woman was trying to put down in that scene. the dead pixel is commonly interpreted as anya's baby (or like jimney in general), and when she tries to get curly to see it he tells her he "tends to see the bigger picture."

this scene perfectly illustrates curly and jimmy's relationship, and how it effects anya. jimmy's actions being the dead pixel that always haunt anya, and curly only seeing the "bigger picture" cannot see the way he is abusing anya. anya will suffer because curly just cannot fathom jimmy being a bad person, he cannot fathom jimmy doing something genuinely and maliciously bad. This is the failing that will not only lead to anya's death, but to the rest of the crew's as well.

if you pay attention post crash.. WELL ANYA IS LOWKEY GOATED? yes, she's scared and having a hard time doing her job.. or so it seems. the main problem with her is that she cant stand giving curly his meds.

yeah man i think we can give the traumatized pregnant woman a pass for having to throw up when shoving painkillers down the throat of her sobbing wet extra crispy screaming and crying friend who cannot speak and has no lips or limbs. Come on now

This is where you gotta get out your little magnifying glass and read between the lines because.. ANYA IS A FANTASTIC NURSE. "how do you know that?" BECAUSE CURLY SHOULD BE DEAD! it is incredibly impressive that she can keep this insanely damaged, critical condition man alive with the limited resourced on the tulpar. not to mention, she only asks jimmy to help with the medication twice. maybe she's done it more between what's show in game, but its not a duty she entirely shirks 

not only that.. anya seems more familiar with the tulpar than jimmy. which is like BAD?? because jimmy is supposed to be the code captain. she's the one who prompts him the get the codescanner. shes also the one who knows where the extra pills are stashed. she knows the ship! while gaining the codescanner didn't do anything good for the crew (to my memory), she did know what to do in curly's absence unlike jimmy. 

in addition to what i've said previously, i view anya as a deceptively strong person. shes trapped in space with her rapist, with an unwanted pregnancy and she pretty much knows shes going to die there. she has to take care of curly's mangled body when he didnt protect her at all from jimmy, and while she is under the assumption he crashed the tulpar. no one on board of the tulpar really understands her, or what she went through because of jimmy. yet, she still manages to hold out and take care of curly, and to never be the kind of monster jimmy is despite her trauma.

in game, when jimmy asks daisuke how the food supplies are, daisuke says about 4 months. anya's suicide happens somewhere after that timeframe elapses. it can be assumed anya decided to commit after they ran out of rations. her suicide wasnt just because she had all she could take, it was also her deciding to take a somewhat more merciful way out than starving to death with the others or possibly resorting to cannibalism.

so, i hope maybe my writing here can help some people see anya the way i see her. a smart, kind, lighthearted and strong woman who was trapped in one of the worst case scenarios a woman could be. anya mouthwashing is like, SO dear to my heart and i love the hidden depth her character has. i know my writing is probably a little disjointed, i have some attention issues haha sorry. but yeah hopefully one of you enjoys reading this! i wanna do some more writing stuff for my account. im thinking of next doing either something about jimmy and anya's relationship, benny and ellen's relationship from ihnmaims, or just generally tackling the topic of gender in ihnmaims

so baaaaiyyye