The Mom's Bang Theory

It's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem is not dependent on anyone's approval.

You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?

Because I am neither an invalid, nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.

Mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.

My mom said pierced ears were for whores, pirates and genies.

Like my mom used to say when I was doing pageants, "Tears only make your eyes sparkle brighter."

Hi, Rajesh. Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So, I'm calling you and... call me back. Bye!

You live with your mother.

I do not!.. My mother lives with me.

What happened with Leslie? Why did she dump you?

I don't know. She just said, "Howard, Mama's a rolling stone."

Both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.

My mother always said: "To thine own self be true."

Howard, I'm sick.

Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?

I need soup.

Then call your own mother!

My mother says that when we deceive for personal gain... we make Jesus cry.

Studies with rats show that new mothers are more sensitive to danger, better at multitasking and bolder in the pursuit of food.

Evolution gave me this mom brain to focus on the baby, but I figure I can hack it to learn all kinds of new things.

Polar bears nurse their cubs for almost eight months. The orangutan mother builds her baby a new home every night. And what do I do? I choose my career over my child!