Sex Kittens Go to College

A college computer nicknamed "Thinko" picks a woman with 13 university degrees to head up the campus science department. Expecting an academic-looking spinster, public relations man Martin "Marty" Milner is surprised to greet Mamie Van Doren at the train station, a stripper nicknamed "Tassels" who has a high IQ and measurements to match (she also speaks 18 languages: "What's the 18th?" .. "English."). Milner (also an associate producer) and Van Doren are an enervated pair; better are Norman "Woo Woo" Grabowski as the captain of the football team who is afraid of girls and Tuesday Weld as a co-ed desperate to get pinned. Brigitte Bardot's sister Mijanou makes her one and only screen appearance as a Frenchie doing her thesis on the human male, Jackie Coogan apes W.C. Fields, John Carradine is hypnotized into joining Tassels on the dance floor, and Conway Twitty wrote the songs. Cult film has all the ingredients for a great B-movie...everything, alas, but a funny script. * from ****

"Sex Kittens Go To College" is a terrible film...with lousy writing, dumb acting and not much going for it. However, at least it isn't trying to be a good film and in fact it is trying very hard to be a stupid and terrible movie!

When the film begins, some college decides to hire the perfect professor and they use their computer to tell them the choice. It suggests Dr. West (Mamie Van Doren)--a woman with 15 degrees and with an IQ of nearly 300*! So, without even meeting her, they offer West a position at the school and are shocked when she shows because she's one hot lady...and later they discover she's a stripper! As for Dr. West, she mostly spouts a lot of pseudo- intellectual nonsense which is to supposedly indicate she's a super- genius. On hand throughout the film are a brain-dead jock with some sexual hangups, a group of gangsters, a smart chimp dressed like a student (perhaps Bonzo's cousin), a horny and somewhat dim French student (Bridget Bardot's real life sister) and a LOT of really bad acting!

This movie is much like the later Beach movies (such as "Beach Blanket Bingo")--with very broad acting and writing. It's clearly designed for younger folks who frequented drive-in theaters-- undemanding and dopey. The overall effort is a bit painful to watch and the film is amazingly stupid and just plain bad. Even a guest performance by Conway Twitty (as himself) isn't enough to save this one!

*If you care, IQ scores back in the day were VERY unreliable and lacked real meaning with the old Stanford-Binet. The IQ scores obtained today using the much more widely accepted Wechsler tests top off at about 150...so if you meet anyone claiming to have a much higher score is likely lying, took some online test (that is meaningless) or was tested decades ago.

Collins College is waiting to welcome their new head of the science department, professor Dr. Mathilda West (Mamie Van Doren), with 13 degrees, IQ 298, and 40-20-30. They had used the school computer Thinko to select West. They didn't realize that she is a buxom blonde with unusual effects on everybody. Also arriving on the train are two criminals searching for Thinko.

This is a wacky small sex comedy. It starts with a fun premise but it struggles to go beyond that. Mamie is not a good comedian but at least she can walk and talk. She is Marilyn Monroe without the skills. I'm just not sure if shooting into the crowd is that funny. She does have a monkey. Is that enough? It's definitely not enough to reignite a fun elevator pitch.

Funny ha ha No. More like Funny nah nah

The director, Albert Zugsmith, obviously grew up watching the popular Three Stooges and the Marx Brothers films and I guess he tried but failed miserably at copying the camp comedy style of either The Three Stooges and/or The Marx Brothers styles.

Even with the very sexy and voluptuous Mamie Van Doren starring in this clunker and adding two gorgeous co-stars in Tuesday Weld, and Mijanou Bardot this film still could not hold an audiences attention.

I think that the director Albert Zugsmith believed that if he just simply kept a bevy of beauties on screen then his male audience would just lap it up and laugh even when the film was downright confusing and plain dumb.

I did not enjoy anything about this so-called poorly made camp comedy except for Miss Van Doren, Tuesday Weld, and Mijanou Bardot which is why I jacked my IMDB rating from a pathetic 1 to a still very poorly made 2 out of 10 rating.

There are no actual decapitations, cattle mutilation, desecration of houses of worship, or spurting arteries in Sex Kittens Go To College. Within those limits, this is ghastly beyond anything you can imagine.

Imagine Mamie van Doren as an ex-stripper with an IQ of 268 and twelve college degrees - no, thirteen, hired as a college professor. Imagine Jackie Coogan as a blustering oilman doing a 45-minute W.C. Fields impression. Imagine Martin Milner out-geeking Eddie Deezen, a twelve-foot robot named Thinko that handicaps horse races, a chimp in golf pants. Imagine the most credible and disciplined performance in the film being turned in by Louis Nye. Imagine Vampira so hagged out you'd flee to the arms of Nancy Kulp...Brigitte Bardot's little sister as an exchange student...Conway Twitty...fire engine...funny gangsters... Are your sides aching with laughter yet?

Terrifyingly awful. The only saving grace is that neither Woody Woodbury nor Paul Anka makes a guest appearance.