Als Dinosaurier die Erde beherrschten

A movie that just seems to get better with the passing years. The dialog is in "caveman" with no subtitles, which means the story is told almost entirely in visual terms. But, hey, that's how movies got started in the first place! Worth noting is the Canary Island scenery which is fresh and evocative. The human scenery is attractive as well with stars Victoria Vetri and Robin Hawdon spending the entire production in nothing more than fur bikinis. Hawdon's career in film acting never took off but he did a lot of stage work in England and a lot of writing as well. Worth reading is his 1984 novel, "A Rustle in the Grass" -- a delightful novel (a la "Watership Down") about a colony of ants. His most memorable scene in this movie consists of "beefcake-bondage" and it comes when he's tied spread-eagle-style between two wooden posts. Fuel for a fire is then piled between his spread-open legs. Curiously, though, his tormentors allow him to keep on his loincloth which certainly won't protect his more sensitive parts from the rising flames but which will, unfortunately, block some of the view and thus lessen the fun. Well, they were only cavemen and thus have a lot to learn about the nudity factor in torture and executions.

I just saw this film for the second time in 36 years (it's 2007), and for the first time "uncut". It went from a "G" rated kid's matinée to an "R" rated exploitation guilty pleasure. But it's still not a bad movie even with the two restored sex scenes. If your a fan of the genre and you have already seen Hammer's 'One Million Years B.C.', then you must see this uncut version of 'When Dinos...' just to see the direction Hammer films was taking in the early 70's. I'm waiting for the restored DVD to become available. The version I saw was off the net in poor VHS quality and the restored elements were in even worse shape. I already own the first Hammer film on DVD. I would have no reservations picking up this sequel if it were released in it's original "R" form.

Sure this film is filled with all sorts of historical (hysterical) inaccuracies but I bet millions of teens and preteens didn't go to the movie theaters to get a history lesson back in 1970. I know I sure didn't want to see a Discovery Channel documentary when I fed "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth" into my DVD player. I wanted to be taken back to an imaginary time that existed in the exciting corners of my brain when I was a kid --- you know, when cavemen fought against big old dinosaurs to stay alive and compete for food. Heck, is the world Hammer created any different than, let's say, the world Hollywood created for "King Kong"? I don't remember anyone complaining about dinosaurs and giant apes supposedly existing in 1930.

But I digress, this is the incredible love story between a caveman (Robin Hawdon) and a cave cutie (Victori Vetri) who have to fight off jealous cave competitors and giant stop-motion dinos to find their place in the sun. If you allow yourself to be transported into this imaginary world, you can really enjoy the story for all it's worth. You have beautiful leads, prehistoric romance, some sex (if you watch the uncut version), volcanoes, battles between cave tribes, dinosaur danger, and a completely made-up language for the dialog. What fun! It's not "Jurassic Park" but even that blockbuster saw fit to pay tribute by naming it's theme park display after this aged little film.

Seen 35 years or so later, the special effects are a little disappointing and I've never seen such good looking cave people before (outside of Raquel Welch, of course). But this is a enjoyable way to pass some time on a Saturday afternoon.

Things I learned from this movie:

1) Dirt never sticks to cavewomen, but it does stick to cavemen. Cavemen are, in fact, so dirty that it makes you wonder why cavewomen ever consented to be with them.

2) Cavewomen, by the way, are hot!

3) Giant Crabs will eat you if they have the chance.

4) Always be nice to dinosaurs if you can, they will become your friends and save you from a horrible fate.

5) Bondage is as old as man.

6) Bikinis are as old as man. (See also "One Million Years BC" for further details.) Also, they stay on under amazing situations, although only barely.

7) The words "Agoba" and particularly "AKEETA," were important linguistic developments in the history of speech.

8) In the time it takes a tidal wave to reach the shore, you have time to make a boat and fight over it with your arch-rival.

9) Never, never stand in front of a tidal wave, waving your arms about and trying to turn it back by magic. This will not work.

10) Cavewomen are HOT! Wait, did I say that already? OK, number 10 is: AKEETA!

In short, a priceless movie. Meaning that you should pay as little as possible to see it, but you should see it.

"When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth," like its predecessor "One Million Years B.C." was one of those great movies when I was a kid that helped ease my transition from comic-book-reading, baseball-card-collecting dinosaur geek to comic-book-reading, baseball-card-collecting chick freak. I was seven when it was released, and I still remember the TV airwaves saturated with advertising. I whined and screamed and begged my brother to take me, and he did. Great part was, we caught this flick as part of a double-feature with Harryhausen's "Valley of Gwangi." Eat your heart out, stop-motion animation fans!

Perhaps because of the great childhood experiences surrounding this movie, there's a kid-voice in my head that still sees it as near-flawless cinema. But in all honesty, it's just G-rated exploitation in the purest sense of the word. The dinosaurs in the movie promos draw the young boys in, and once their behinds are in the seats they slowly become less cognizant of the prehistoric beasts and more cognizant of the way Victoria Vetri's cave tunic gives her breasts that extra lift or the way her legs seem to be constantly shimmering with sweat. Even at seven I noticed this, which is why "Dinosaurs" provided a great transition into puberty for me half a decade before it actually hit. A lot of fun, this, but don't mistake it for art. Watch it for the beasts and the (scantily clad but not naked) boobs, toss in a bag of microwave popcorn and a few beers. It may be G-rated but it's still kind'a fun.