American Teens

I saw this several years ago on the Playboy channel. It featured a few Playmates (Kiger & Bryant--an Indianapolis native), a future T.V. sidekick of Mike Hammer (Bloom) and a has-been child star (Bonaduce) all frolicking in the highjinks of college.

Throw in a Hattie McDaniel/Lillian Randolph type maid for comedy relief, lots of boobies and some strip football and you have all the makings of a classic drive-in movie. H.O.T.S. was made after the success of National Lampoon's Animal House, and in some ways was better--more or less because of the girlies. While the plots not memorable (poor girls getting even with rich vixens) it does have its classic moments like the pie fight from a hot-air balloon, nude skydiving--performed wonderfully by the late Angela Aames, the real life bear scenes and the strip football game.

Not a movie to watch with your wife/girlfriend/concubine/lover, but instead one to watch with a buddy or several guys over a six-pack, pizza and snacks.

While anyone who claims to have watched this movie simply for the Danny Bonaduce shots is clearly in denial of their libido, it is indeed a fine performance, meaning pleasurably hideous.

Danny is some kind of semi-famous celebrity MC here in the movie, which makes you wonder if he wasnt playing himself in this role, so to speak. The shining moment of this movie, outside of the nude scenes, is when Danny gets onstage with his band to sing a song called "Shake it Baby," a song which really has no other words than those. And who can ever forget the scene in which Danny Bonaduce (Richie) finds himself in bed with a live seal and enjoying the action? God knows I have tried to forget, but it is stained on my retina.

There are lots and lots and lots of flopping, nude women in this movie, which serves its purpose rather well I guess. However, when you are done looking at the girls, some scenes to watch out for are: robot maid enters sorority house to find the secret cache of stolen money, extra large nude woman saves the day in a hot air balloon, and perhaps the strangest -- girls make hundreds of dollars selling "pies" consisting only of whip cream on a plate with glued-on nude sorority girl pictures.

If for nothing else, apart from the Bonaduce madness and the kooky bumbling crooks, you have to see this movie to observe the unmeasurable extremes filmmakers will go to in trying to justify what is patently gratuitous nudity. Strip football?

Mix old-time Burlesque, "jiggle" TV and the basic plot of "Animal House", and you've pretty much summed up this example of "B" movies at the time Reagan became President. Of all the "Animal House" imitators, "H.O.T.S." is probably the best. Don't watch it for great acting, writing or directing, but don't expect to spend a lot of time with your finger on the "Fast Forward" button either. If all you've seen is the USA edit, you've missed what is the essence of the film - beautiful topless women. It's not so much sexploitation as it is an update of the kind of show Grandpa saw in the big city when Grandma wasn't along. Not only the light, breezy attitude toward nudity, but the jokes, the pies, the seltzer, the animal acts - even two baggy-pants comics.

This film is a throwback to the pre-siliconized days of Hollywood. We here at the academy admire the blossoming of natural talent as it explodes onto the screen. The film centers around the exploits of a bevy of buxom beauty outcasts (Susan Kiger, Pamela Jean Bryant, Kimberly Cameron, Lisa London, Angela Aames) as they form a sorority. Their nemesis is the snobby sorority with its buxom beauties (Lindsay Bloom, K.C. Winkler). College hijinks prevail as the film brings forth the truth about typical sorority behavior: showering, topless sunbathing, topless skydiving, wet T-shirt contests, outsmarting the pesky dean, and strip football. That's right, strip football: score a TD and the opposing team loses an article of clothing. This definitely is an Eye Candy Hall of Fame moment and causes us to reflect that they don't make movies like this anymore. As football fans it pains us to actually hope for a weak pass rush and lapses in the secondary coverage for both teams. Fire up the grill, open a beer, and enjoy the game.

I saw this picture when it was released 30 years ago, mainly because of the topless football game. I enjoyed it back then, but seeing it again on Netflix TV after three decades was a disappointment. Not that the movie doesn't have its positives: (1) high-quality cinematography, lighting, editing, and photography; (2) beautiful, often topless, babes; and (3) a couple of recognizable (real) actors from the past (Dick Bakalyan and Louis Guss as the gangsters).

That being said, the flick went overboard trying to be "zany," cramming into practically every scene some sort of tired, infantile gag that draws winces instead of chuckles. Further, beneath the ostensible light, good-natured goings-on, with everybody supposedly having such a great time acting crazy or simply being weird, runs a subliminal hostility and meanness that progressively depresses the viewer. Ha, ha. Isn't the fat girl funny, especially when she outweighs her nerdy boyfriend by 200 pounds? What a riot! Ha, ha. The opera singer bellows off-key and then falls into the pool! How original! Whoever thought of that? Brilliant stroke of comedy! As bright and cheerful as H.O.T.S. makes itself out to be, it's actually kind of repulsive.

As one reviewer noted years ago, H.O.T.S. is one of those movies better watched with the sound off. The outstanding beauty of (my personal choices, in order) Kimberly Cameron, K.C. Winkler, Sandy Johnson, and Lisa London shouldn't be marred by idiotic dialogue.

Five stars: ten for the feminine beauty and the vintage actors, zero for everything else.