Golden Ninja Warrior

So diabolically daft and unbelievably erratic is this martial-arts mash-up from Joseph Lai and Godfrey Ho that to understand the plot requires a Masters Degree in Ninjaology. Lucky for you then that I happen to be the proud owner of such a qualification. Allow me to elucidate...

Fashion model Sherri Lee (Queenie Yang), a member of the Golden Ninja Clan (sworn enemies of the Red Ninjas), has a score to settle with Boss Lau, the prostitution racketeer responsible for her father's death. Posing as a virgin wannabe hooker, she goes seeking employment in Lau's brothel, where she attacks his henchmen and sets the captive workers free; this prompts Boss Lau to enlist the help of pal Eric and red ninja Sakura to find the person responsible.

Soon after, undercover cop Dick is on the scene, posing as a fashion reporter in order to get close to Sherri, for whom he quickly develops romantic feelings; also keeping an eye out for the lovely lady's wellbeing is fellow golden ninja Michael, who is in town to prevent a valuable statue from being half-inched by the red ninjas.

Unfortunately, neither guys can stop Sherri from eventually falling into the hands of evil Boss Lau: after taking on the the guise of The Death Fairy (sporting a natty off the shoulder top, towelling head band and tiny cut-off denim shorts) to attack Boss Lau in person, she is beaten by Sakura, who turns her over to Lau for a spot of ninja nookie. PC Dick arrives not long after (great timing, Dick!), freeing Sherri for a brutal final showdown in a half-built, pod-like apartment complex where she finally gets to kick Lau's arse into oblivion.

Got that? No? Oh well, don't worry—even if you haven't the faintest idea what is going on, Golden Ninja Warrior is still a lot of trashy fun, with plenty of typically crazy Godfrey Ho-style ninja action, a surprisingly large dose of misogynistic sleaze, nudity and sexual violence (which begins almost immediately with the brutal whipping and stripping of a reluctant whore), and lots of unintentionally funny scenes, laugh out loud moments including Sheri being pursued by Sakura's ninja homing knife (which chases her like an Exocet missile) and sexy star Queenie Yang taking a bubble bath immediately followed by a shower (talk about an obsession with cleanliness!).

Whilst not the most entertaining of Ho's ninja films that I have seen so far—that honour goes to the absolutely craptastic Ninja Terminator—Golden Ninja Warrior was still worth every penny of the pound that I spent on it.

For those unfamiliar with Godfrey Ho, he has made some of the silliest, craziest movies of all time. He would make a bunch of movies around the same time and slice and splice bits of them all together. Add to that some outrageous (and hilarious) dubbing, and crazy special effects and inventions, sped-up action and a complete and total disregard for formal movie-making techniques, the result is usually a surreal experience literally like no other. His chosen medium for all this during the 80's was the ninja movie. It's not for everyone, but it's original.

The "plot" (not that it matters to the filmmakers, or the audience) seems to be about a rivalry between the Golden Ninja Warriors and the Red Ninja Warriors. The Red Ninja Warriors want a Golden Ninja Statue that the Golden Ninjas Have, which is never seen by the audience. Then, the action moves to Hong Kong where we see a criminal organization running a prostitution racket, made up of kidnapped women, out of a hotel. They beat and torture the girls, until the organization is broken up by Sherri (Yang), a model and female Kung-Fu expert nicknnamed "The Death Fairy". She dismantles the operation with the help of Michael (Owen). They transform into ninjas at random times. They must fight the evil, cackling boss Mr. Lau and his evil female ninja Sakura. Also, Sherrie wants to avenge the death of her father, on top of getting the mysterious statue into safe hands...(?) Attempting to write and describe what goes on in Golden Ninja Warrior is an exercise in futility, but the above is my best attempt. Again, the plot, such as it is, is not important in the slightest. Try to imagine a sleazy exploitation movie with zero continuity (or any attempt at it, apparently), ninjas disappearing and reappearing randomly in clouds of yellow smoke, loud, nonsensical dubbing, all sped up, keystone cops style...not just the action scenes...most of the movie! Richard Harrison appears only in the opening credits sequence (lifted from another Ho feature, believed to be Ninja Terminator, 1985). Owen has a camouflage ninja suit and weird powers, on top of all the other nutty, zany effects. The ninja sequences are the best in the film, but you never know when they will appear! An Asian man, obviously in Hong Kong, shouts on the phone that his name is "Bill Brown"! The movie is REALLY silly. It's impossible to describe. My attempt at trying to communicate its utter cinematic insanity is just feeble; you must see it for yourself. It's an outpost of cinema most people don't touch. For those in the right frame of mind, Golden Ninja Warrior (as well as other Ho movies, such as the excellent Clash of the Ninjas, 1986) has a lot of laugh-out-loud treasures in store.

For more insanity, please visit: comeuppancereviews.com

Again , another solid delivery from Harrison. I will treasure my DVD collection full of his ninja movies. I wish the editing would be worse :) it would make it even funnier than it already is.

Oh boy. Cant really describe his messy movies. Just watch them. My favourite thing are the delayed sound effects. Guess Ninjas are faster than sound waves, huh?

This is another Ninja movie, from the hands of Joseph Lai and Godfrey Ho (uncredited, according to IMDb).

The plot is confusing, we get some good Ninja action and some sleazy scenes of sexual violence (do you still believe that everything that has the word "ninja" in the title is for kids ? i don't think so).

We have Richard Harrison, he have a kick-ass role, as usual.

The story is connected to Ninja Terminator (and maybe, even another Godfrey Ho movie), because it involves the Golden ninja warrior.

I really can't say something else about Golden Ninja Warrior, so see it for yourself.

GOLDEN NINJA WARRIOR has to be seen to be believed. It's so bad that it's a thing of beauty. I had an old video in a clamshell case which I sold on eBay and a few weeks afterwards I sorta regretted it because I wanted to see this wonky film again. It's truly one of the funniest action films I've seen, almost in the same league as INFRA-MAN. There's a fight scene in it which was one of the most surreal bits ever captured on film. I need to see this again. It's just too much. The final fight scene in and around colorful apartments buildings which look like they were designed for the Teletubbies is also unforgettable.

A must see for cheap, sleazy kung-fu films and lovers of really "so bad it's good" movies.