Night of Horror

You just might think you have seen the worst film ever. "Manos" the Hands of fate, Plan 9 form Outer Space, Monster-A-Go-Go, or even House of the Dead....Trust me when I tell you that you do not know real pain until you have seen the thankfully almost unknown Night of Horror.

If would be different if something happened at all in the film...it does not. Just try to think of Curse of the Screaming Dead/Curse of the Cannibal Confederates WITHOUT ANY ZOMBIES. Yes, I am serious. That is just what this film is.

Honestly...this is the worst movie of all time, and I don't mean that in a good way at all. Let's put it this way I LIKE "Manos" the hands of fate, and even I can hardly take "Night of Horror". I have now seen it twice and will never ever watch it again for any reason.

I can tell you of only one slightly entertaining thing about this flick....a lens smudge It is by far the highpoint in the film and when it went away I was sad to see it go. At least while it was on screen it took my attention away from the movie.

A downcast member of a rock band sits in a self-service bar, recalling to an acquaintance the bewildering details of a road trip he took the year prior with a group of friends, one of whom was touched with extrasensory perception. Their relaxing getaway was interrupted by spirits of Confederate soldiers in desperate need of human help to free their tormented souls.

NIGHT OF HORROR is a cataclysmically poor film on every level imaginable, and the mind boggles as to how this minutiae of provisions could possibly have received even scant video distribution. Unappealing people doing nothing to speak of...that is the whole of this Godforsaken nonmovie. Just to hint at what a slop-job of amateur immersion it is, understand that a lengthy duration is prominently accented by a dust-bunny sticking to the camera lens. The sound and lighting appear to have been supervised by Helen Keller, the sets are a pathetic scramble of whatever fundamentals happened to be on-hand, and most importantly.... WHERE IS THE "HORROR"? A couple of immobile Southern Graybacks in the blaze of a floodlight who mumble indiscernably, and a single plaster skull? There's absolutely nothing...no bloodshed, no atmosphere, not even a single boob to breathe life into this rudderless tabula-rasa. All you get with this nothing-burger is a long stretch of coarse home movie footage showing some southern-fried Civil War battle reenactment, set to the tune of a nerve-raking folk ballad. It's so apocalyptically awful that it nearly qualifies as an act of aesthetic terrorism.

My rating? "The Finger".

Well it was a cold, bitter cold, night and I was on my way to the local video store. This old Mom n' Pop place that I had only been to a few times, the owners were very nice and had an extremely nice collection of horror films. All kinds of em' lined the shelves, zombies, vampires, werewolves, mummies, you name it and it was probably there. Growing up I had long loved a film called "Curse of the Screaming Dead" and still think it's a pretty decent flick (okay it's crap but it's crap I like). So when I found out there was another movie called "Night of Horror" which was supposedly the original film that "Curse of the Screaming Dead" was based on I was a little giddy. At the time I had just found a copy of the original "Curse of the Screaming Dead" on it's original label Mogul so finding "Night of Horror" was a must for me. God I wished I had slapped myself...

So there I am in the video store searching the shelves for something to catch my eye and there it is, "Night of Horror". The movie I thought I'd probably never find was sitting right in front of me. I was a little surprised but I expected them to have a movie like this because they had been open since the dawn of video and the owner bought every movie he could get his hands on. So I bring "Night of Horror" up to the counter and I look up at the woman who has her usual smile and I asked if I could possibly buy the movie. I figured I should like it somewhat if I liked "Curse of the Screaming Dead". She looked at the box and then at her husband and he just looked at me. He looked up the film and nodded yes, come to find out the last time the tape had been rented Reagan was president so it was okay. I got the video for $2 (that should have been a huge sign if you're paying less than what it costs to rent) and I thought I made out like a bandit. Boy was I wrong.

I bring the movie home and do the usual, popcorn, soda, and other assorted snacks. I sat down and pushed play on my remote and once the film started I wanted nothing more than to go both deaf and blind. First off if you're going to make a movie, learn how to light the damn thing, when there was a light it looked like someone had gotten a giant spotlight and set it down in front of the camera. And the night shots...don't even get me started. Then there's the acting...wait that was there? I don't remember acting, oh those people who were walking around and babbling incoherently those were actors? Were they trying to act bad because they pulled it off brilliantly. As for the effects, what effects!? There was a freaking' fake skull and a fog machine with a raspy, and I mean raspy, voice attached to it. That's an effect!? Bah! After it was over and I slipped out of the coma I attempted to return the movie to the store simply saying it didn't work. I told them they could keep the money but the tape was broken. They wouldn't take it...they looked at me straight in the face and said no. The nice old couple soon became the devil and his bride incarnate. I wanted to scream, they knew what they were doing the whole time. They sold me the movie because they knew it was terrible. Argh! I threw the movie back into my room and it hasn't moved from the spot it's been in for over 2 years.

Until now, I reviewed it before writing this review and I have to say I hate IMDb.com, and I hate you all for making me re-watch this movie again for the purpose of this review. Oh what a tangled web you all weave...please for the love of all that's holy; avoid this movie like it were the plague, like it was a possessed horned up monkey with crabs that could very well be cooked and feed a family of 4.

STAY AWAY!

Night of Horror is a thing of wonder, a film so self contained, so tightly bound it functions as black hole cinema, the viewer drawn in, shrunk to lightless atoms able only to contemplate their own operation as observer. Which makes it remarkable amongst horror cinema of the early 80's a film that not only encourages but actually aids the viewer in the pursuit of self knowledge. Director Tony Malanowski has here truly crafted a scintillating, awe inspiring... Christ, I can't go on like this, I'm trying, I'm trying real hard but I just gotta level. Night of Horror sucks ass. I have huge respect for anyone who can put a film together and get distribution, it's not an easy thing for anyone, but despite this I have to recommend with some ferocity against watching this one. Among genre films, it must surely be one of the absolute worst and I say this not lightly. I also specify genre films, as I would still rather re-watch Night of Horror than re-watch Forrest Gump, though to be honest I would sooner eat a literal bag of dicks (Armin Meiwes apparently has a recipe book coming out) than re-watch that POS. But as far as genre films go, there really isn't much worse. Monster a Go Go has Henry Hite and some amusing dialogue, Blood Lake has the righteous Li'l Tony (most punchable kid in all of the 980's?), heck even Savage Water has cool scenery. Night of Horror has, lets see, fog, the worst ever excuse for a bar, a driving scene that'll have you longing for the genius of Hal Warren, unnatractive, lifeless actors and tiresome characters, demented continuity, a heroic lens smudge a gratuitously lengthy Civil War re-enactment scene, talkative ghosts and a plastic skull. It doesn't even have the good grace to be innovatively bad, its characters are routinely tiresome, its repetitive score isn't maddening enough to be memorable and its plot is void of suspense or even any real conflict. Flashback to a tedious tale of supernatural redemption recounted in the worst imaginable excuse for a bar set, zero gore, tits or excitement, it's a film of nothing, a 70 odd minute celluloid zero. Watching it will show you things about yourself, but only bad ones like the futility of your existence and endeavour, and these not even in a good way. Basically its 1/10 stuff all the way, don't watch it.

"The film you​ are about to see, ( sic ) is a depiction of an actual event​, well documented in the annals of the paranormal" - I should have gone with my instinct, and immediately​ switched off the film when I read that statement.

This " film " (and​ I use that word in the loosest sense) begins with a three minutes-long title scene, accompanied by a horrendous piano ballad by the filmmakers' own real life band, leading into an eight minutes-long conversation. Eight minutes of stationary, over-the- shoulder photography, meandering, nearly stream-of- consciousness conversation, barely audible in the crummy audio, with these two men babbling, name-dropping their band, eventually about a bizarre, boring experience one of them, Steve, had, as he obviously stutters his lines a couple of times. The audio is so garbled that much of it is unintelligible, but we do know they used lighting equipment, because it is clearly visible on the right centre of the frame, largely blowing out the shot. After so very slowly setting up the paper- thin plot in this over-the-shoulder prologue, the film lapses into flashback for some reason, as we're told the story of Steve, his half brother and his wife, and their friend driving. When asked what did he use for money, Steve responds, " Chocolate milk, and batteries. " What?

From 16 minutes on, they drive. We see them driving underneath a bridge, looking out the window at passing landscapes, passing ships on the river, one girl reads an Edgar Allan Poe story in its entirety, while literary critic Steve criticises it, then critiques their food and beer. Breathtaking.

From 23 minutes to 29 minutes, a triangular blotch appears at the bottom centre of the frame.

At 26 minutes, the quartet get out and argue, and it's difficult to take them seriously when Steve is obviously smiling and trying not to laugh. Characters interrupt each other, frames abruptly cut out, probably to avoid the awful dialogue. Back in the camper, for more driving.

At 29 minutes, they allegedly hit someone, off camera. If they couldn't get an actor to play the character they hit, why didn't they just take this scene out? It doesn't go anywhere, or lead to anything, so why is this scene even here?

At 30 minutes, back in the van for more driving, and awful piano balladry.

At 33 minutes, the camper breaks down. Good! No more driving. Day changes to night, and back and forth, many times, as they try to figure what to do. A real exchange of dialogue in this scene: Chris" " Don't tell me you're taking a coffee break? " to which Steve responds: " Nope, a beer break, and not even a beer break. " Again, what?

At 38 minutes, one girl begins having a one-sided conversation with a spirit ( I think. ) Footage here is so dark, I'm not sure even what the bloody hell we're looking at here. Tree limbs? Why don't we see, or more importantly hear, who she is speaking to? She convinced two of her three friends ( Steve was likely too drunk or too disinterested to show up to film this scene, so he is represented in voice over narration ) to hold a seance to speak to the spirits. Unfortunately, the spirits answer them.

At 40 minutes, the seance begins. We then catch a glimpse of the rare and elusive * flashback-within-a- flashback * , as the Civil War reenactment footage begins, and the piano balladry begins yet again. The actors' real life band performs seemingly endlessly ( " How manyyy mooooore? " ) Were they trying for an anti-war message here? I lost track of how long this putridity goes on for, but the seance, and Civil War reenactment footage, continues until 63 minutes.

Apparently, a Civil War captain lost his head, and needs their help to get it back, and bury it with his body, so he can at last rest in peace. The three of them ( again, Steve isn't in this scene, except for his voice over narration) dig up his skull, which is obviously plastic, and bury it with the rest of his plastic body.

I wish I could say I'm making that up, but I'm not. That's your plot right there.

Film concludes with an epilogue, and the stationary, over-the-shoulder photography, meandering, nearly stream-of- consciousness conversation, barely audible in the crummy audio, with these two men babbling, and the visible lighting equipment blowing out a lot of the frame return, before the piano muzak, again performed by the filmmakers' own real life band, returns yet again for the closing credits. This film seems merely an excuse to showcase their music, and name drop their no-name band.

Every single scene is just filler material. Nothing that happens sets up anything that happens later, and there isn't even any sex or nudity, no violence, there's not even a single bit of profanity, but yet this is supposedly " Rated R ". The cinematography is so faint and blurry, the " actors " ( again, used only in the loosest sense of the word ) look like spectral holograms drifting in the breeze. Speaking​ of breeze, the flickering, slightly wavy image looks like this entire film is being projected onto a sheet hung on the wall, and then filmed by someone else, using the lowest quality camera equipment possible, and microphone which sounds like it was in the cellar, while the actors were upstairs, and edited using child- proof scissors and duct tape. Furthermore, this was obviously filmed sometime in the 70s, judging by their hair, and clothing, and not released until quite some time later.Although, I must admit, a documentary about the making of this movie might be funny