The Nostril Picker

Although released in 1993, The Nostril Picker is undoubtedly a product of the '80s (my Aurum Encyclopedia of Horror, published in '93, has it down as being made in 1988): the fashion, the schlocky approach, the nonsensical plot, the lousy music—they all smack of the decade that taste forgot.

The ridiculous storyline sees loner Joe Bukowski (Carl Zschering) being taught by a wino how to change his outward appearance by chanting a magical incantation and whistling his favourite song (which happens to be 'London Bridge is Burning Down'). Joe opts to look like an attractive, blonde, female teenager, thereby enabling himself to hang out with other girls of the same age, and then attack them when the opportunity arises, raping them with his knife and devouring their flesh.

With a cast whose acting skills are virtually non-existent, direction that can only be generously described as rudimentary, and a script that isn't afraid to give the bottom of the barrel a damn good scraping, The Nostril Picker is about as unsophisticated as a movie can get, which actually makes it more fun than it has any right to be. The cringe-worthy montage that is accompanied by a truly awful rock song is unforgettable, as is the hilarious sight of a transvestite hooker being assaulted with a pair of dildo water-pistols.

Also serving to make this mess more enjoyable is the occasional spot of juicy splatter, which is better than one might reasonably expect: one of the early victims has her fingers sliced off (which, judging by her reaction, or lack of one, isn't all that painful), there's a brief spot of cannibalism, and the irritating transvestite gets his throat slashed in suitably gory fashion. The slaughtered girls also appear to Joe in hallucinations, dressed in lingerie and drenched in blood.

Rounding off proceedings with a silly and totally predictable twist ending, The Nostril Picker is far from great movie-making, but will prove a guilty pleasure for those who actively seek out cinematic turds.

I pride myself on being relatively open minded movie-wise, try not to prejudge films, and have a soft spot for low budget and b-grade genre movies, but folks, sometimes you just gotta draw the line! 'The Nostril Picker' is one of the most worthless movies I've ever had the misfortune to watch. Misleadingly packaged, it tries to give you the impression that it is "controversial" or "offensive". It isn't. Well it is offensive intellectually and aesthetically, but if you think you're gonna get a confrontational, boundary-pushing movie ala 'Salo', 'Nekromantik', 'Last House On The Left' or 'Pink Flamingos', you'll be in for a real shock! This is just a poorly made, embarrassingly acted, amateurish, so-called horror movie, which is so dumb it makes the current spate of teen comedies look like they were written by David Mamet. I don't know who Patrick J. Matthews is, but I rejoice that he has never set foot near a camera since this complete waste of time. This is as bad as it gets. 'The Nostril Picker' rivals gems like 'The Roller Blade Seven' and 'Art Deco Detective' for sheer awfulness. Avoid this movie at all costs!

This is one of the worst films that I have ever seen. It could only be barely watchable with a strong intake of alcohol and drugs. It is a seventies porn film but without any nudity. Everything about this film is horrible - the acting sucks, the effects poor, the script bad, the direction dull, there aren't enough words for how bad this is. There are one or two moments of bad brilliance that save this film from total damnation and those bits are the funny bits of the bloke who looks like a bird to other people in the school smoking and drinking; the scene where he is invoking the 'spell'; and the scene where the camera rotates and he does stuff although you can kind of see him running around just off camera. So bad it is good but only for some brief moments of genius.

This film is a good film, I don't mean blockbuster epic good, but beer and pizza night with a few mates good. It's trash, that's all it is, trash. But enjoyable trash, and at times, rather funny.

Okay so there's no good acting, not even a good plot, but watch it and leave your brain at the door and you will found out what an enjoyable film this is.

Pure 80's horror trash. A few people got together and said 'I want to make a film' so they made the most stupid, most puerile film they could think of.

But they watched it back and laughed, so this is a film you can never take seriously, not 1%. And it deserves that, it is a movie to laugh at, not make sense of.

Someone must have been seriously joking when they made this film.

Firstly, it is an absolute impossibility that this movie was made in 1993. The fashions and music dictate that this is seriously 80's. My guess is that this has sat on the shelf for a long while before some crazed distributer picked it up and released it to a disbelieving world.

There is a plot. Kind of. A strange loner meets a random man with a beard who tells him that if he meditates while singing his favourite song he will be able to turn into whomever he chooses. At this point I feel obliged to point out that the loner's favourite song is London Bridge Is Falling Down. Why is this his favourite song? Because he's an idiot. We are only a minute into the film and already the film has reached a monumental level of stupidity. It gets even stupider.

The loner is the nostril picker. I can only assume this as there are two scenes in the film where he is seen picking his nose. That clears up the title. He decides to change into a girl so that he can get close to other girls. And kill them. That's more or less it.

The acting is universally appalling. Every single performance in this movie sucks. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the acting is of the standard of a pornographic movie. It really is that terrible. The nostril picker appears to the audience as the nostril picker. The characters in the movie see him as the girl he has become through singing London Bridge Is Falling Down. Man, I feel like an idiot even typing this. Anyway, it is kind of strange seeing a middle aged weirdo hanging out with school girls. And not in a good way. There is even an extended montage of scenes where the nostril picker is at school with the girls and a song plays over the top. It is very possibly the worst song ever recorded. I'm not even going to describe it. You'll know it when you hear it. And you'll agree with me.

There are some scenes of violence, sure. And there is a Benny Hill style chase sequence involving a transsexual. There is even an immortal bit of dialogue, that may or may not have been taken from Shakespeare or John Milton, where the nostril picker says to a prostitute, 'I've got the cash if you've got the gash'. Lovely, I'm sure you'll agree.

Utter nonsense.