Biker Zombies

Okay, I saw this "movie" months ago, but it has had a lasting impression on me. Since seeing this movie, I have contemplated suicide on over a dozen occassions. I can't get over how embarrassingly horrible this was. It was like watching a bad high school production from the kids you hated most in high school. This is just flat out poor. It's as though somebody just wanted to make a zombie movie...and yet, where are the frickin zombies?! Instead what we get are giant smurfs with fake blood squirting here and there.

The acting is a joke. No offense to the actors, but they are all terrible. And so unappealing to look at. From the Chachi-looking lead, to the big-bosomed girl (who doesn't even do a nude scene...thanks alot!) to the annoying porky girl in the diner who blabs about digital filmmaking (haha, not). As for the movie itself, the director and producer are related...must be one of those dynamic husband and wife filmmaking duo's, like nancy meyers and charles shyer or something. Well, these people are a joke. How dare they try and pass themselves off as legitimate filmmakers. They should be ashamed of themselves for making such a "movie", and wasting so many people's time and effort. They only took 90 minutes of my time...but those 90 minutes of my life they robbed seemed to last 90 years. Hell, the opening credits sequence took up about 84 of the 90 minute running time! Ahh, just thinking about this movie makes me sick. Enough.

Oh, and I see that this filmmaking team is working on more projects. Great, I can't wait. I'll alert the Academy. Ugh, idiots.

An ancient evil force transforms murderers, drug dealers and prostitutes of Detroit into an army of motorcycle riding zombies to reclaim the world they lost eons ago. Meanwhile, a teenage boy (Tyrus Woodson) and his mom moves into the suburban part of Detroit. Unfortunately for the teen he is transformed into one of them and goes on his own rampage.

Cheap looking zombie film is pretty bad. How bad? Very bad. There's absolutely no redeeming qualities found in this travesty. Repellent gory effects, editing, sound and lack of plot makes this one of the worst zombie films of the genre. Not even good for a few laughs. My evaluation: (no stars).

I rented this pile of sewer waste hoping for a few good laughs. With a title like `Zombie Bikers from Detroit' and with Dead Alive productions stamped on the front cover, you would think that this could be a funny/gruesome film, but no. This is the worst movie I have ever seen (and yes, I have seen all of the Police Academy movies). The story (this is a joke within itself) and the dialogue are atrocious. The make up of the so-called zombies looks like they used one of those two dollar `Make yourself look like a Zombie' kits that you buy at K-Mart.

I would rather watch Beverly Hills 90210 while listening to the Backstreet Boys and be whipped by a 400lb novelty birthday card model than to sit through another single minute of this pathetic excuse for a DVD. Honestly, I could make a better movie with $3, some popsicle sticks and a slinky. I feel as if 90 minutes of my life were stripped away from me and taken to the land of Suckdom. I know that tagging on the Dead Alive production doesn't guarantee a great flick, but you do expect to get your moneys worth.

The only thing that made me happy (save, returning the horrid mass of elephant feces) was that it wasn't titled `Biker Zombies from Pittsburgh'. I feel for Detroit folks that wasted their hard-earned money on this one. Unless you have been lobotomized …. Do not buy, rent if you must … But …. You will regret it.

With a name like "Biker Zombies From Detroit," you don't expect high art. What you expect is a cheesy yet comical romp with lots of blood and interesting, if cheesy, make-up. That's what's supposed to make these films fun to watch.

"Biker Zombies," however, is not fun to watch. It is a terrible movie on every level.

This is a DV feature, so, naturally, it doesn't have the highest production value in the world. But, judging from the quality of the sound, these people didn't even TRY to make the film worthwhile. In fact, the sound quality is so bad, it often sounds like they recorded scenes using only the camera's on-board microphone, which is a travesty even in no-budget production.

The least they could've done is make the film visually interesting to make up for the lack of story, acting, make-up, etc. Instead, the film is primarily locked-down master shots, the most uninteresting way to shoot a movie. The only part that had the remotest quality to it was a slow-motion fight sequence, where the stunts and camera angles made for a very interesting look. The difference between that fight sequence and the rest of the film is so glaring, it almost seems like someone else directed the fight scene.

Not to mention the fact that the film is permeated by an annoying zombie voice-over that's been processed to the point of inaudibility, as well as random shots of homeless people that seem to be there for the sole purpose of increasing the film's running time.

In short, "Biker Zombies From Detroit" is a film that gives Detroit filmmakers a bad name. Garbage like this should not be used to represent the primarily high-quality work that goes on in this town.

I like to rent horror movies from my local video store because they have real off the wall titles there. Biker Zombies has only been rented once from there since it has been on the shelf; unfortunately I was the rentee. I'm not sure if the acting is better or worse than porno acting, but I don't want to watch this movie again to study any further... Zombies that don't eat people? You have the most famous zombie movies in the "Night of the Living Dead" series, where the zombies ate flesh. Then you had the "Return of the Living Dead" trilogy where the zombies wanted brains. But zombies that only murder you without appetite? That's just silly. Awful acting, awful direction, awful costumes... just plain awful!