Kill Her Goats

The fact that this movie stars Kane Hodder, the man behind the mask in Friday the 13th, had me instantly and the chainsaw and blood-covered cleavage in the poster helped too.

Even the great Easter Egg which is the town where it all happens being called West Craven, which when said with their accent, sounds exactly like the name of the director of A Nightmare on Elm Street and Scream.

Unfortunately the movie itself is just an excuse for former Playboy models to show off their bodies, but on the other hand, fortunately the movie itself is just an excuse for former Playboy models to show off their bodies.

Very little script, even less conversation, and even less plot. I give the movie itself one star, and the breasts earn two stars as they are far more impressive than anything else on show.

I did actually watch the director's other attempt at making a horror movie after finishing this movie. It is far worse, mainly due to the lack of uncovered breasts in comparison to this movie.

This is the kind of movie you tell someone to watch as a practical joke.

How can a reviewer write 600 words on this mess of a movie?

A slasher movie needs to have certain things to make it in the genre such as:

1. Tits! Yep, plenty of visuals there. From the opening scene gravity and skin interact. I might add that Ms Raycene more than contributes in that area

2. Bums! Yep, plenty of visuals there as well. Bouncing bums aplenty.

3. Acting? This movie has such little competent thespian qualities that Ms Raycene almost hits the mark. I said almost because the final scenes end in an incoherent bloody mess.

4. Plot? Well there is a plot but it's gossamer thin and in the end the director lost control of the movie.

I really need to watch again to work out the plot but life is too short and watching this mess is just painful.

So how to you rate a movie like this? Well, it gets one point for the tits and bums and another point for the copious amounts of (fake) blood.

Oh what the hell, I'll give it another point for Ms Raycene's bust.

I'm giving it a generous 3/10 and I want my wasted time back!

I don't even know what this was.

It's like they asked a 12 year old to wirte a horror movie. And he was like "ok, what's it about?" And they said "nothing". But it's called "Kill Her Goats". So...involve goats in some way.

And the he was like "ohhh killer goats"...I got it.

And they said "no, goats have nothing to do with it. But you like boobs, right? " And he said "yeah". And made this movie.

There's literally a line towards the end where a chick says "why are there goats?". I don't think it was even in the script.

I almost recommend it just because of how absurd it is.

It's like a Rob Zombie film if Rob Zombie was a child.

Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner... "Kill Her Goats" must be the poorest and most useless excuse for a horror movie in history. And, please, don't let anyone tell you it's a spoof or deliberately bad. It's just plain bad. There are tongue-in-cheek elements present, for sure, but the skills and talent to process these into a good parody/horror comedy are missing.

In a strange way, I almost admire writer/director Steve Wolsh. Either this man has been living under a rock and never heard of all the socially & politically correct movements of recent years, or he has... but genuinely doesn't care! Fact remains that Wolsh treated himself to a party! He somehow successfully pretended to helm a film production and gathered a whole bunch of untalented but lewd 'actresses' that he could record in various stages of undress. Well done, Steve! Glad you had fun.

"Kill Her Goats" stars six gorgeous girls with perfect (and sometimes enhanced) measurements. Never mind their names because they were obviously just cast based on their bra-size and willingness to do nudity in front of the camera. The plot revolves around them being hunt down by some guy (or two guys?) wearing a goat mask.

75% of the running time exists of footage of girls taking showers, drinking wine in their undies, changing tops, getting ready for bed, or posing for social media photographs. In the barely 25% of time that is left, Wolsh still manages to ruin everything. Who are these killers? What are their motivations? What's the significance of the dream-sequence at the cemetery? Who's the couple in the tent? Why imply to make it look like a New England haunted house tale during the opening sequences? Why doesn't anyone so much as even think about calling 911? Etc. Sure, track down a copy if you want to gaze at cute girls without clothes, but I think there are easier alternatives for that.

Kill Her Goats is an amusing, low budget horror for the right crowd. It is shot very competently and has great practical effects.

The dialogue is hilariously bad, and is really what keeps this film entertaining. The film's weakness is in the pacing and editing. Sequences are just far too long and this film could have been chopped down quite a bit. I wouldn't say I was ever bored though. The characters talking to themselves, saying very out of the box things kept my attention.

Not a great movie by any means, but for fans of straight to disc/streaming horror, there might be something there for you. A 6/10 because I'm feeling generous.