IRON SOLDIER opens with dramatic music, thundering dramatically! "Soldiers" in green T-shirts and camouflage pajama pants, are busy firing toy guns, while field-testing a new "robot" from the local dollar store's giant, plastic dingus department.
Oh No!
"Terrorists" equipped with similar toy armaments, break into the super secret facility and abscond with the dingus, leaving only dead scientists in their wake.
Enter General Brooks (schlock omni-god, Joe Estevez), in a Bride Of Frankenstein wig, who assembles a strike team to reacquire the dingus.
Enter Major John Arbor (Derick Fage), who is called in due to his being the only one who can operate the dingus.
TWO BURNING QUESTIONS AT THIS POINT: #1- Where's that dingus, so it can start killing these people? #2- Who trained the squirrels that filmed this abomination?
Watch! As a helicopter turns into a cartoon before crashing!
See! People running sideways, due to the squirrels' inability to hold the camera with their tiny hands!
Witness! The "terrorists"' futile attempts to match their toy guns against the dingus' "laser beam"!
More tilted camera shots can mean only one thing. It's time to feed the squirrels!
In the annals of sub-sludge, ultra-dreck cinema, this "film" shall forever be known -in squirrel Latin- as: Turdus Elephantus.
ONE QUESTION REMAINS: How many squirrels can dance on top of an acorn? Surely, the dingus knows...
