Starship: Rising

It was a porno right? I mean it must have been... what with the obvious innuendo twist on Jupiter Ascending (not heard it referred to as a "starship" before but whatever), much like the Flesh gordon take on Flash Gordon, the crappy acting, non existent plot. meaningless dialogue and the dodgy looking women displaying more make up than a Debenhams cosmetic counter and obvious low budget.

The narration started off quite well; thought it was going to have a Red Dwarf theme initially. Then it went a bit Doctor Whoish, which didn't bode well and by the time the introductory narration finished I had not only lost the plot but also the will to live.

Anyway, things perked up a bit when this fairly fit looking blonde rucked up. Here we go, I thought; crappy intro- check, crappy acting - check. About time for the blond to turn around to one of the guys and come up with some cheesy line like "Is that a "starship" in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me" before getting her kit off and some raunchy action. Boy was I disappointed. Where were all the sex scenes for fecks sake? Did they just forget to put them in or what? Veerrry disappointing.

In the future, the universe is controlled by the Federation - Some people decide to rebel when orders are given to destroy earth but really this plot doesn't come across at all or make any sense what so ever.

It is extremely rare that I will not watch a film to the end no matter how terrible it is but this was just really dire. After 10 minutes I found my mind wandering, after 20 minutes I had no interest in any of the characters, story or plot - what there was of it. There was simple no level of emotion of realism in any of the performances.

The story as it stands is basically ripped off the old BBC series Blake's 7, which had the universe controlled by the Federation and their weapons system for controlling the climates on a thousand worlds was called Star One - all sounding very familiar - I mean at least give the bad guys a different name come on!

I am trying to think of some constructive comments to make about this movie. The FX cheap though they were at least were trying to create a sense of worlds and a universe within which these dull bland characters existed. Generally Hollyoaks is not the best place to find your lead actor and top criticism here has to go Darren Jacobs who is just plain bad. The chief Villain is just someone (The Director) doing a bad Bane voice with some awful CGI.

Because there is so much CGI and everything bar a few tiny sets is basically very sterile there is no sense of time or place. Characters were not well introduced, the script was really really poor and the space battles are just terrible.

It's really rare I will give such a low review but in this case there was no other option, rebellion or not.

Absolutely nothing redeeming about this title at all. The acting is bad, the dialogue is worse, the special effects are not special at all, the cinematography is lackluster, the costumes are like the kind you make as cosplayer, the sound was bad, the musical score basically non-existent, and to top it off the story is boring and uninteresting

If you watch the first 5 minutes you will immediately regret it. The main character is explaining their back story in this sci-fi futuristic action movie and they decided that adding scan lines to the video would make it more futuristic. And not well done scan lines that make the video seem like it might actually be a video...just a low transparency set of scan lines that a 12 year old would put into a video game they are programming because they saw the movie Aliens for the first time.

If you make it further than the abysmal intro you are sure to regret it. I had to force myself to finish it because I just wanted to see how bad it could really get and it gets really bad. Please if you have not watched this, do yourself a favor and don't. There is a reason it has such a low rating...if I could give it 0 I would, but 1 is the lowest possible score.

I could have done a better voice-over with out even trying if that gives you any clue how bad this movie was.

Forget waterboarding, force our enemies to watch this movie instead. It will get confessions out of them quickly. NO MORE, PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!

The actors, and I hesitate calling them that were terrible. Is there a sub-Z list?

The fat guy co-pilot who liked like he hasn't gotten out of a chair (except to eat) for fifteen years. Yea right, he couldn't have been co-pilot, he'd have to burn at least some calories moving.

Most of the live action was obviously filmed over a green screen and had this weird blur/fuzz over it.

The costumes consisted mainly of baseball and hockey gear spray painted silver, with electrical conduit strapped on.

What was good about it? Some of the special effects were kind of okay, they didn't all look cheap. And actually the music score wasn't that bad.

This is a movie that shouldn't have been made. And then the agony, a sequel is (gasp) announced at the end before the credits.

Why watch trash like this when there is something better?

"Starship Rising" is one of those Sci-Fi movies that tries too hard to accomplish a lot of things, but failing to do so and managed to swing and miss greatly in the attempts to achieve greatness.

The storyline is sketchy and not fully coherent. It is about a crumbling empire, and ah, well forget it, I don't really know, because the movie was just not easy to submerge yourself into, and I have to admit that I gave up not even 35 minutes into the movie.

What made me give up on the movie, aside from what seemed to be a series of random scenes put together and calling it a movie, was the overall sense of failed blue (or green) screen scenes that were dominant throughout the entire movie. The scenes just looked so fake that you want to claw your eyes out.

The CGI effects were adequate though. Although I didn't really get the fact why every spaceship had to fly in turning spiral. It just didn't make any sense. And the weaponry on the ships, well they were just laughable and anything but believable. And the infantry weaponry as well, a rifle that was almost bigger than the woman carrying it? Sure, why not...

The movie borrows a lot from other Sci-Fi franchises and movies, and that ultimately makes it seem like a product that is not its own, but a mere cash-in on what other TV shows and movies managed to succeed on. Except that "Starship Rising" just failed to execute it.

This was definitely a Sci-Fi movie that swung wide and missed even wider.