AJ Goes to the Dog Park

One night in July, a theater full movie-lovers bought tickets to a special "Mystery Movie" event with the hope of catching a glimpse of something truly worthwhile and captivating.

When the lights dimmed, we sat politely and quietly hoping that something entertaining would occur on screen. Instead, "AJ Goes to the Dog Park" played.

An audience couldn't have been more disappointed. Not a single joke landed. The theater was silent, save the occasional footsteps of the dwindling audience. It is not campy, or "so bad it's good." It doesn't make you laugh, or gasp, or even make you cringe. It managed to make an audience feel nothing for 79 minutes.

As I drove home, I realized that, actually, I DID feel something. I felt betrayed by my favorite movie theater for selling me a ticket.

Surely, someone involved in this work (I purposely didn't use the word movie) must have looked at everyone else and said, "maybe this is a bad idea"? I'm truly at a loss, I am saddened that individuals exist in this world that thought this movie was funny, or that it had a message or that others would enjoy it. I regret that I decided to go to a Mystery Movie tonight, I regret that the cinema decided to sell me tickets to this thing. I'm sad that I gave it a score of '1', because it deserved much worse. The only thing this movie accomplished was making 119 minutes feel like an eternity. I love indie films, I love it when a movie takes a swing and misses and I love brave intrepid creators trying something new. But the disconnection from reality that everyone associated with this movie must have truly saddens me. I feel sad, not just for me, but for the other members of the audience. I regret that they lost 119 minutes that will never return.

I bought tickets for this movie with the understanding that we were going to see a "stupid" movie. And that's exactly what we got. Sure, we probably won't be watching this every other Saturday night, but we thought it was a good time. The shower scene was a little cringy, but how can you say that the ending wasn't great? I have a feeling for most people, you're either going to love or hate this movie. There is no in between.

As someone with a deep love and appreciation for Mystery Science Theater 3000's terrible movies, I can safely say that AJ Goes to the Dog Park is one of the worst films I have ever seen. I counted 1 quality joke that was genuinely funny, and only made possible by the film's absurd world (it involved a custom tombstone). But the harsh reality is that the Naked Gun trailer that played before the movie was funnier than the entirety of this painfully long film.

And it is painfully long. Before 10 minutes had gone by, I was praying that the director was going for some well-thought-out, Norm-Macdonald-style shaggy dog story, where the plot and characters would intentionally meander and bore us, while sneakily preparing us for some hilarious moment, where some amazing punchline appears out of thin air, to a joke we didn't see coming. And then the credits would roll, making this all worth our time.

Instead, it felt like the team did everything in their power to learn how to make a movie badly, and then executed that knowledge flawlessly to make this movie. There's an early scene with a purposefully-long awkward pause (with no payoff), and you could honestly call that scene foreshadowing.

It is worth mentioning that AJ's dad was able to pull off that good joke mentioned earlier, and you could see the potential in some of the other actors (particularly Coach Thomas and Captain Seastab). But the movie unfortunately doesn't do any of them justice.

There is a place for movie festival, homemade fodder. It is not in a mainstream movie theater. I don't walk out of movies. I stay to the end. I left this one after 30 minutes. It is not cute or charming to be amateurish. I expect some kind of production value, and this film has none. Worse yet, it's boring.

There can be something endearing about a movie trying and failing. I enjoy a good bad movie as much as anyone. But I cannot tolerate a movie that is a nudge nudge wink wink from its creators. Great badness comes from a sincere effort. These filmmakers seems to think bad acting and pirate accents are funny. Thanks, Alamo Drafthouse.