Door 1 of the 5 Doors to Hell

What the heck was that???? I watched 20 minutes and my IQ dropped 50 points! I have to watch Jeopardy now to bring it back up. I could not subject myself to any more brain damage. This movie was worse than some of the high school drama class entries I've seen. DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME OR IQ.

Here we are! Another of an increasingly large pool of low-budget horror anthologies, this one will be wonderful to only a select few, all those lovers of Campy B-Movie Horror. At it's heart, it is a black comedy. So don't take it too seriously.

Inside of this anthology we find acting that seats itself somewhere between awful and meh. It's good enough - most of the time - to not immediately turn it off, but it's terrible enough to question why you're sticking it out in the first place. But before we can even consider that question, we must also wonder how we could allow ourselves to become engrossed in such a mediocre script. Truth is, we probably can't feel that engrossed by the script and acting alone, and instead must become captivated by its dark humor and campy charm.

Whether blind to its charm or not, one will surely notice that stunted pacing and vapid story-telling really bring this film down, especially when paired with stilted performances - you can literally see jump cuts to the actors waiting for their cue to begin a scene.

Sound design is actually pretty decent, especially in the mixing. The music and sound effects very rarely compete with the dialogue of the actors. Perhaps it's from the bottom of the barrel, but it's still a selling point. Of course, the host of the Doors is another story altogether. You could've easily convinced me that his voice was actually just an overlay of Goron sound effects from Ocarina of Time. Go ahead, turn the volume down a bit and then listen to him. I'll wait.

That said, I must commend them for such a unique approach to anthology horror. On paper, they actually had some really cool ideas (Door 3 is hilarious) for some of their vignettes. With better production value, and perhaps a higher budget, this anthology could have really tapped into its potential.

We are treated to 4 different vignettes with a Wraparound story. Below are brief Plot Summaries:

Wraparound: When a group of young'uns hit up a video store for some Friday night fun, the store clerk offers them an extra special VHS tape to try out, on the house.

First Door: One of our movie-goers finds herself transported into a horror movie, fighting for her life as a barbarous, belligerent redneck heathen and his twisted brother set their sights on her.

Second Door - Ghost Car: After a run-in with the law brings his character into question, our hapless hero finds himself on the hunt for a haunted car.

Third Door - Dingus of Death: Doomed on arrival, one of our friends finds himself amongst colleagues in the middle of some questionable experimentations.

Fourth Door - Dead Ending: Surviving the Third Door, our remaining protagonists are then dropped into the next Door together. When one of them receives a phone call, the duo are catapulted into a steady downward spiral of genre-mixing madness.

Very indie and very low-budget, the movie bears the appearance in its very image quality of having been shot on home video just like the characters glibly remark about some of the titles they've accordingly watched. This is reflected in the production design and art direction - or lack thereof, as filmmaker Chuck Conry seems to have made 'Door 1 of the 5 doors to hell' in around his hometown, and the abodes of his friends. I can forgive this astoundingly bare-faced presentation, just as I can forgive the acting of a cast consisting of non-professionals; they make an earnest effort, with mixed results. This very much looks and feels like something my friends and I might have made on a lark in college.

Similarly, I can forgive the violence, blood, gore, effects, and otherwise visuals that are at large unmistakably beholden to the same lack of resources, experience, or know-how. Some instances come off better than others (such as the gore at the beginning of the second segment), but take for example a moment in the first segment in which the protagonist suggests they need to be untied - except as we viewers see it, their bounds already appear to be so loose that they just fall off. Less forgivable are often juvenile and boorish attempts at humor, and hackneyed dialogue, including homophobic slurs and other such nonsense; even if Conry were simply aiming to ape the stylings of low-grade horror flicks of years past, the inclusions are tawdry if not also unnecessary.

The sound design is deeply imbalanced, ranging from dialogue so soft one can barely hear it, and sound effects so blaring they hurt the ears. The writing of each scene echoes the faults of the dialogue and the acting - while the execution of each scene reeks of stilted inauthenticity that not even the low budget can excuse. Plot development and narrative writing in each segment is sometimes altogether sloppy and almost incoherent.

In fairness, 'Door 1' demonstrates a measure of cheeky self-awareness that I admire. The narrative in each segment is recognizably imitative, but that doesn't mean they can't be fun, and they're (mostly) modestly well-written in the broad strokes. The overall concept is full of promise and ripe for entertainment. Despite all the many, many weaknesses and shortcomings of the production, there are glimmers of a good time to be had here at one point or another.

Unfortunately, whatever enjoyment the anthology has to offer, and sincere effort, cannot counterbalance its many problems. I can overlook flaws stemming from inexperience and lack of resources, but outright incapability is another matter entirely. This is to say nothing of moments that are pure poppycock - not fun, not funny, just aggravatingly obnoxious. Case in point, the third segment is one of the worst things I've ever watched, and it alone knocks several points off whatever imaginary numerical score one might assign to movies for easy assessment or comparison. After that, as the last segment begins, I've just altogether checked out.

For all the best aspects of what this tried to be, I'd love to say that I like it more than I do. In light of its worst elements, however, I think this sadly sits right around the bottom of the barrel. Sure, I've seen worse movies, and this isn't 100% bereft of value. It's close enough, however, that by the time it comes to a close, those glimmers of a good time are forgotten.

Take my advice: You don't need to open 'Door 1 of the 5 doors to hell.'