'It's Alive!'

In yet another Larry Buchanan Z-grade train-wreck of a movie, "It's Alive" is about three people who get lost and wind up as captives of a deranged farmer. The whacko farmer locks them up in his cave exhibition, along with his lizard-man monster, to be served up as dinner for the farmer's green man-beast critter.

How is it that Larry Buchanan funded these rabidly bad movies? As with other films he directed, "It's Alive" suffers from bad dialog, bad acting, bad editing, bad lighting, bad stock music... you name it, it's bad. So bad that it's strangely fun to watch, though. It has a lot of the same themes as Manos: The Hands of Fate but it isn't nearly as mind-numbingly painful as Manos. If you're into bad sci-fi / horror flicks like me, then by all means waste an hour and a half of your life and watch "It's Alive". It's too bad they didn't have the Razzy Awards back in 1969 - Larry Buchanan would have certainly been a contender for worst director.

Despite its promising title, "IT'S ALIVE!" is dead on arrival. This late sixties TV creature feature opens with five full minutes of driving footage. Inside the car, outside of the car, just a bunch of driving. It tries to salvage the viewers' interest with an ominous voice-over narration that rambles about rain and sunshine. In the middle of this meaningless driving montage, we're treated to the opening credits where I discovered the one interesting thing about this movie. There's a paleontology credit, and it's attributed to Skip Frazee. A quick glimpse at Mr. Frazee's background and we see he was a sound engineer in the production world with no other paleontological credits before or after "IT'S ALIVE!". This makes sense because the movie's paleontology is limited to the revelation that the creature is a dinosaur and it should've gone extinct 65 million years ago. Good job. When the movie finally kicks into gear, we're introduced to the world's most irritating married couple, Norman (Corveth Ousterhouse) and Leilla (Shirley Boone) Sterns. The two are travelling across the country by car because Leilla loves to see America up close, and Norman never refrains from an opportunity to tell her how much he hates it. With night closing in and the gas tank nearly empty, Norman and Leilla are forced to pull into isolated reptile house tourist attraction in the middle of the woods. Here we're introduced to Greely (Bill Thurman) and his downtrodden housekeeper Bella (Annabelle Weenick), who harbor a deadly secret.

It doesn't take long for things to get weird around the Greely home. He acts shady from the moment he meets the miserable couple and, despite their bad feelings about their situation, they agree to a tour of Greely's "serpetorium". Greely runs a crappy little zoo that might've charmed mid-twentieth century America but has fallen out of favor since a new highway derailed his business. He's proud of his little operation, explaining that he caught all of the animals himself (where'd he catch a monkey in middle America?). His pride and joy rests deep underground in a cavern and he invites the couple down to view it, but surprise! It's a trap. Norman and Leilla find themselves imprisoned in the cavern with helpful paleontologist Wayne (Tommy Kirk), who had been taken captive when he stopped by Greely's to check in on the Sterns' auto troubles. Wayne plots their escape while Norman continues to prattle about how stupid he believes his wife to be, and the trio explore deeper into the cavern where they encounter Greely's favorite pet: a "dinosaur" monster. This monster costume is priceless. Wayne tries to identify the dinosaur species but it was nothing I'm familiar with and I'm sure it was bogus. The creature is your typical rubber suit, but it's got bulbous ping-pong ball eyes and rubber teeth that wobble and bounce in all directions. It shambles toward its victims and, since its face can't articulate, it kills them off screen and we're spared the action.

When that monster appeared, my views on this movie pulled a total about-face. I was willing to forgive the driving montage and unlikeable characters if this monster was going to go on a murder spree. But it never does. It takes its victim and then disappears back into its mud puddle until the final moments of the film. The remaining forty minutes are filler and garbage with yet another driving montage (not as long as the first) and then more than twenty minutes of flashing back to when Bella was taken captive. We spend a sizeable chunk of this crappy movie learning how Bella was a teacher who had the bad fortune to stop at Greely's and became his tormented house slave. None of it has anything to do with the dinosaur monster. Excuse me, "IT'S ALIVE" and director Larry Buchanan, but we came for the dinosaur monster. Give us the dinosaur monster and stop wasting our time. Maybe instead of unnecessary backstory, we could've used that time to show an escape attempt or something to up the tension. There are at least two occasions when Wayne, Leilla, and Norman could've jumped Bella (if she was uncooperative) and escaped through the access hatch she uses in the house's cellar. No, their plans are way more stupid. "IT'S ALIVE!" is seventy-five minutes of mindless filler with maybe (if I'm being generous) five minutes of worthwhile content. The dinosaur is severely underused, the characters are morons, and we didn't get nearly enough of Greely's fantastic maniacal laughter. That laugh and the dinosaur costume are the only reasons anyone should try and watch this movie, and there's barely enough of either in there to justify it.

It's Alive is sitting with a horrifically low IMDB rating and when you see the goofy ping pong eyed monster you can entirely understand why.

However, I kind of enjoyed it. And here is where my clear weird taste in movies comes in.

It tells the story of a couple who while driving through the country become lost and seek assistance from a man who runs an obscure show full of various animals on display. When he offers them a tour things turn bad and the man shows his true colours.

The creature though ridiculous looking is barely on screen and that is certainly in the movies favour. Instead we're treated to more of a psychological game between the captor and captives and I found myself fairly engrossed.

Flawed? Absolutely, but I enjoyed it regardless.

The Good:

Overall well constructed

The Bad:

That monster, really?

Some of the music was a tad overwhelming

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

Unless told men do not know that lack of food results in death

Absolutely cheap,bizarre tale of a madman who owns a roadside attraction and likes to feed tourists to his pet monster in a cave.Tommy Kirk plays a forest ranger who helps the young wife of a cranky older man escape.One of the madman's servants is a school teacher who was kept prisoner and forced to work for him.In flashbacks,she recalls how she was trapped.There's even a rehash of the old rat on the dinner plate gag from "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane."When the monster finally makes it's appearance,it's a guy in a cheap monster suit,complete with ping pong eyes.There's no real special effects.The monster just stands closer to the camera to make it look bigger.The suit also was reused from"Creatures of Destruction," a Larry Buchanan remake of "The She Creature."This film is good for a few laughs but no thrills.Watch at your own risk.

Once again Larry Buchannan proves he is king of the completely incompetent.He can't direct even a descent scene,can't write one coherent line of dialogue,can't even get a decent actor to give a believable performance.It still amazes me that he was able to direct twenty nine features.Was he independently wealthy?He must have been,for who would have continuously funded this lunatic moron.

This feature has as its lead,Tommy Kirk,who starred in many early sixties Disney flicks,including Swiss Family Robinson.He is supposedly some sort of paleontologist,who is out in the field,doing who knows what,and is interrupted by a couple who is lost.he directs them to the home of this complete lunatic,who locks them up in this cave/exhibit.They apparently are to be food for some prehistoric lizard/man.Kirk,we later find out,knew of these creatures(he's a paleontologist stupid).It might possibly been an OK b movie had it not been incompetently written,badly acted,and terribly directed.

My favorite scene,is where the housekeeper tells of how he(the crazy owner)tortured her(its told in flashback),by locking her in a heated room ,with a comfortable bed,three meals a day,and where he awakens her daily by blowing a whistle in her ear(can you imagine,I cringe just thinking about it).

This movie was supposed to be a horror film.But instead,it was just a horrible film.Tommy Kirk,I believe you really tried,but I don't think that Tom Hanks,Hillary Swank,and even Nicholson could have saved this film.The only positive thing I can say about it,is that at least its better than Eye Creatures.rp