SERIOUS SPOILAGE
I can remember seeing trailers for this on television when it was released, and being interested in all things vampiric, I longed to be old enough to see it. Boy, I didn't know what I was missing, that's for sure!
This is a face-off between vampire and...non-vampire. In the vampire corner, we have Lucard. A. Lucard, to be exact (haw haw). Lucard is a mortician, which is a great business for a vampire to be in, especially when mortician's wax seems to help vampires come out during the daylight. Lucard and his vampire buddies (the sheriff, the paramedics, and a few miscellaneous others) like to rush to the scene of accidents, declare the victims dead when they're not, then whisk them off to the mortuary for some bloodsucking. Immediately after biting them, the vampires stake the victims, for fear of any newly-minted competition getting a leg up on them.
In the other corner is one Ted Fonda. Ted's mother-in-law is the latest in the town's not-really dead but definitely soon-to-be undead category. Mrs. Ted is frantic, especially after they decide they want to have the wake at home and Lucard doesn't want to give back the body. Every shady businessperson's nightmare, Ted Fonda isn't one to be pushed around by any mortician, and he brings the old lady's corpse back home so they can put it in their living room for a few days until the wake--unembalmed, no less!
The match is on when Lucard sends one of his minions to steal the body back, but he winds up impaled on a picket fence in Fonda's yard instead. Grandma rises from the coffin later that same night and wanders the rural countryside looking like Grandmama Addams with Halloween vampire fangs, while the next day the Fondas are sure Lucard stole the body after all.
Meanwhile, there are social problems in the vampire community. The doctor and the sheriff think Lucard is getting too many victims, so some bickering leads to a few bat-fights. Fonda calls the doc over to give his already-sleeping wife a sedative, and he can't resist turning her into a late-nite snack. Fonda is out on his own little stake-out, following Lucard around while they search for Granny vampire before she can cause too much trouble and blow their cover. They find her and hold her down so the sun can kill her, but not before she makes eye contact with Ted, who finally figures out something strange is going on (duh!). Lucard tries to literally hold Ted back, stopping his car with his bare hands and sheer vampire strength, but Ted escapes and goes home to find his lovely wife completely drained.
When Lucard returns to the mortuary he finds the sheriff snacking on a 'drowning victim' Lucard had been saving for himself, so they have a slugfest that finds the town minus one undead lawman, and the town's vampire population dwindles. With only Lucard and the doc left, they employ some vague sort of deduction to guess Ted's whereabouts, while Ted sets a booby trap for them by dousing his car (and his wife) with gasoline and rigging it with an extension cord. The vampires fall for it--they're undead and not too bright--and Ted manages to stake both of them while they wriggle in flames.
In the film's stunning denouement, Ted stumbles away thru a pasture, while a title card informs us that Ted was found guilty on four counts of murder, and that nobody believed his vampire conspiracy theory. Furthermore, the body of his wife was NEVER FOUND! EEEEEEE!
"Last Rites" was probably a real scream to make; it looks a lot like a home movie and seems to have been assembled by filmmakers who were just jazzed about making a vampire movie and didn't really care about having an actual script. Truth be told, some of the 'arty' shots really do work up some atmosphere, and the shamelessly hokey vampire lady is great. Then something comes along and goofs it up, like those long unnecessary shots that track the characters as they drive in their vehicles along endless rural roads, or Ted and his numerous phone calls, or when some stray filming equipment or a Pizza Hut or something enters the frame and reminds us that we're watching a cheesy flick. This movie's imaginary story doesn't even exist within the frames of the film itself. Just like the vampire lady, who wanders around dazed and realizing she's dead, the movie knows it's baloney.
