Los héroes no mueren

23 years ago, a younger, less-appreciative me wrote a review in which I shamefully called NDH the "worst thing ever created by mankind."

Sitting here, 23 years later and watching a beautifully restored NDH on Tubi (complete with trailer) I can tell you that NDH is one of the greatest things ever created by mankind. The 87 minute run time is perfect, the action is non-stop, and the psychotronic aspects are impeccable. I have no idea how younger me could have ever besmirched the awesomeness that is NDH.

If you don't love NDH, you're an unpatriotic commie and you need to leave the USA immediately.

With No Dead Heroes you get stupid lines like that as this woefully abysmal action flick needs to be seen to be believed. William Sanders is saved by his buddy Harry Cotter during an extraction in Vietnam but gets himself captured by the enemy. Fast forward ten years and Harry is now a brainwashed Russian operative with a mind control microchip implanted in his brain. His new Russian superior is Ivan played to the obscene hilt by Nick Nicholson who might I add not only doesn't attempt once to speak with a Russian accent but resembles more a gas station attendant in Kentucky with his stained teeth. What is even more absurd is the fact that he was also the dialog coach for this film. Soon William is re-recruited by the CIA to hunt Harry down. He teams up with Barbara, a freedom fighter who has infiltrated Ivan's El Salvador camp and soon the both of them are blowing up half of South America. Some scenes are so jaw droppingly awful that it's a wonder why this film doesn't have more of a cult following. One such scene is the sudden lovemaking in the jungle by William and Barbara accompanied by the most inappropriate catterwalling background music I've ever heard. Who would strip completely nude in the middle of a South American jungle? There is a rape scene that uses the end theme from Blood on Satan's Claw as well. No Dead Heroes is the magic bullet movie champion of all time as one shot leads to multiple kills. In one scene Harry strafes his rifle from behind a rock and kills seven guys. I had to rewind it and count. Hard to find film that has recently gotten the full HD treatment by MGM. Track this movie down and watch it for the sheer silliness that ensues.

Totally brain-dead actioner made in the Philippines. This belongs to the mode of Filipino movies which tried to pass themselves as American films on the international market. After a rather dull beginning, the movie takes off and never disappoints again. It is actually a rip-off of the worst movies Chuck Norris ever made : an American prisoner in Vietnam is brainwashed by the soviets who implant a microchip in his brain so he is programmed to kill the Pope, then the President of the USA. One of his old buddies (played by B-movie stalwart Max Thayer) is sent to stop him. Utterly ridiculous action scenes, putrid acting (Nick Nicholson's performance as the evil soviet commander is a must-see!)and implausible plot make up for one of the cheesiest action pictures ever bestowed in the general public.

I purchased a copy of this on eBay for $24 as I learned Max Thayer starred in this gem. After seeing him in No retreat No surrender 2, I knew I had to own this film.

After 3 months of waiting for my copy, it finally arrived this morning. I of course took the day off work, lit up a jay and popped it in my VCR.

From the opening credits I knew It was watching something special. Straight from 1987 and everything that came along with it. Max's acting in this doesn't rise to the sophistication and sharpness of that in NRNS2 however. You get the idea that maybe he enjoyed himself a lot more in that film than this one. Although he is still great in it and passes off some very surreal acting.

The villain Nick Nicholson has to be seen to be believed. There are no words in the English language to describe his performance. His character transfers from a sadistic general, then forward 10 years (that's right, this film has a time warp), to where he's a maniac communist trying to implement justice into the world by assassinating the pope and US president. Simply brilliant.

Kudos to J.C Miller for having the balls to write the screenplay for this and eventually direct it. I'd love to see a DVD release of this with his commentary. I imagine it would be very manic and one of the best commentaries ever. Simply because anyone who'd write a film like this, is a unique artist - worthy of cinema acclaim.

10\10 - A must see.

Addle-brained stupidity that the cartoon "Bullwinkle" made fun of a quarter-century beforehand, NO DEAD HEROES proves that you can rip off a good movie (THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE) without copying a single sliver of quality from the object of your plunder. The acting barely registers on the cable-access TV scale, the plot is less nuanced than an old "Sgt. Rock" comic, and only Boris J. Badanov-style "bad guy" mustaches are missing from the Commies. This movie achieves the unusual feat of being too bad, too stupid to be enjoyed by anyone with opposable thumbs.