- [saying it correctly]
- Tommy: I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass, but I'd rather take a butcher's word for it.
- Tommy: Let's think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.
- Ted Nelson, Customer: Go on, I'm listening.
- Tommy: Here's the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box 'cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
- Ted Nelson, Customer: Yeah, makes a man feel good.
- Tommy: 'Course it does. Why shouldn't it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?
- [chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing]
- Ted Nelson, Customer: [impatiently] What's your point?
- Tommy: The point is, how do you know the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer? "Building model airplanes" says the little fairy; well, we're not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that's all it takes. The next thing you know, there's money missing off the dresser, and your daughter's knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.
- Ted Nelson, Customer: But why do they put a guarantee on the box?
- Tommy: Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer's sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.
- Ted Nelson, Customer: [pause] Okay, I'll buy from you.
- Tommy: Well, that's...
- Tommy, Richard: ... What?
- Michelle: [to the boys, finally fed up with them mocking her and Tommy] Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear to everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you.
- [This does the trick, and the boys finally leave Tommy and Michelle alone]
- Richard: Look Mommy, the Rhino's getting too close to the car.
- Tommy: Him too afraid to get out, he just a little guy.
- Richard: All right, that's it, fat boy; I'm gonna wail on you!
- [gets out of the car to face Tommy]
- Richard: You're gonna regret volunteering for this job, Porky.
- Tommy: Hey, boys and girls; it's Papa Smurf!
- Richard: You don't want none of me; think it through.
- Tommy: Come on; give me your best shot. I'll give you a free one. Lemme have it!
- [Richard punches him square in the face. Tommy wheels back and almost loses his balance, but just as quickly recovers]
- Tommy: That was it? Come on. You can do better than that, can't you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!
- [Richard punches him across the face. Tommy is faltering but still holds his ground]
- Tommy: Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!
- [Richard punches him hard in the crotch, then grabs him by the hair and punches him again across the face]
- Tommy: If I wanted a kiss, I would've called your mother!
- [Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4]
- Tommy: That was a good one.
- [falls down]
- Richard: [Richard looks up] Hey, a Prehistoric Forest!
- Tommy: Uh, what my associate is trying say is... Our new brake pads are really cool. You're not even gonna believe it. Like, let's say you're driving along the road with your family.
- [Picks up model car]
- Tommy: You're drivin' along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there's a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. *Eeeeeeeee!* Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let's see what happens when you're driving with the "other guy's" brake pads. You're drivin' along, you're drivin' along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, "I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!" "Not now, damn it!" Truck tire. *Eeeeeeeee! I can't stop!*
- [Slams model car into lighter]
- Tommy: There's a cliff! *aaaaahh!* And your family's screaming,
- [sets car on fire]
- Tommy: "Oh my God, we're burning alive!" "No! I can't feel my legs!" Here comes the meat wagon.
- [Imitates siren]
- Tommy: And the medic gets out and says, "Oh my God". New guy's around the corner puking his guts out.
- [Imitates retching]
- Tommy: All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn't...
- Executive with Toy Cars: Get out. Now!
- Tommy: [Richard tries blowing out flaming car] Do you validate?
- Executive with Toy Cars: No!
- Tommy: Richard? Is this your coat?
- Richard: Don't do it.
- Tommy: Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.
- Richard: [looks Tommy square in the eye] Don't.
- Tommy: [singing] Fat guy in a liiiiiiiittle coat. / Fat guy in a little coooooooat.
- Richard: Take it off, Dickhead, I'm serious!
- Tommy: Richard! What's happening to--
- [coat rips cleanly in half]
- Tommy: Uh oh!
- Tommy: [Tommy and Richard are sitting on a park bench after getting kicked out of Salinsky's headquarters] I thought they were on my side.
- Richard: They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed.
- Tommy: Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle's mad at me. I've lost the factory, the town's going under and I'm out of a job.
- [the park bench collapses]
- Tommy: Could've done without that.
- [Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep]
- Richard: Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?
- Tommy: Please go away let me sleep, *for the love of God.*
- Richard: Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?
- Tommy: What kind of hotel is this?
- [opens door]
- Tommy: Who the hell are... Oh, it's you.
- Richard: Good morning, sunshine.
- Tommy: I l-left a message.
- Richard: A message? What number did you call?
- Tommy: Two, four, niner, five, six, seven...
- Richard: I can't hear you, you're trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?
- Tommy: No, it was cordless.
- Richard: You know what? Don't. Not here, not now.
- Tommy: [Trying to copy his father's quote] Hey, I'll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher's ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn't you rather to take his word for it?
- Mr. Brady, Customer: [confused] What? I'm failing to make the connection here.
- Tommy: No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher's ass... No, wait. It's gotta be your bull.
- Richard: [embarrassed] Wow.
- Richard: You're right! You're not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!
- Tommy: Ketchup Popsicle?
- Richard: Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn't have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and you just took him for granted.
- [mocking Tommy]
- Richard: "Hey I'm Big Tom's son! He'll fix everything, so I'm allowed to be a moron!"
- Tommy: Hey, what's your name?
- Helen: Helen.
- Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let's say I go into a guy's office, let's say he's even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I'm like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet.
- [Reaches down and picks up a dinner roll]
- Tommy: Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet.
- [Pokes the roll playfully]
- Tommy: You're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go...
- [makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll]
- Tommy: [Wailing loudly, making the whole restaurant look] Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that's when I blow it. That's when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?
- Helen: God, you're sick.
- Reservationist: [Richard is trying to book an immediate flight to Chicago] Oh, I can reserve you a flight coming *back* from Chicago at 5:55. Does that help?
- Richard: Hi, I'm Earth. Have we met?
- [Reservationist looks confused]
- Reservationist: I don't think so.
- Tommy: Man, did I get douched with mud!
- Paul: Hey, Chucko. That doesn't smell like mud.
- [sprays Tommy with a hose]
- Tommy: Oh, man, that's cold!
- [sings and dances]
- Tommy: I'm a maniac, Maniac on the floor, And I'm dancing like I've never danced before...
- Paul: [speaks] Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?
- Tommy: [laughs] Why?
- Richard: [Watching Tommy eat french fries and then squirting ketchup into his mouth] Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.
- [after Tommy has rubbed air freshener on himself]
- Ray Zalinsky: Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?
- Tommy: Sir, it's an taxicab air freshener.
- Ray Zalinsky: Good, you've pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.
- Tommy: Forget it, I quit, I can't do this anymore, man. My head's about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know where I'm going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I'm out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!
- Tommy: [Tommy is stuck in the middle of a lake on a sailboat with no wind. Some kids are mocking him from the shore] You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn't pick up, 'cause I'll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.
- Frank Rittenhauer: If this factory goes under, the whole town goes under.
- Boardroom Woman: That's when the whores come in.
- Paul: Excuse me, what was that?
- Boardroom Woman: Men laying their trick-money down. Twenty dollars to pay the rent? Maybe not. Maybe instead I'll spend it on the whore.
- Tommy: [Tommy comes back into the hotel room unexpectedly, catching Richard spying on a girl swimming naked in the pool with his pants unzipped. Richard immediately dives into bed] Richard?
- [chuckling knowingly]
- Tommy: What were you doing?
- Richard: Um, going over some documents.
- Tommy: Well, where are they? Geez, I don't see them!
- Richard: They're... in my briefcase. I thought you were getting pizza.
- Tommy: They were closed.
- [smirks]
- Tommy: How can you be reading documents, when they're in your briefcase?
- [slaps hand on top of briefcase, which is well out of Richard's reach]
- Tommy: Hmm... that's a mystery!
- [Richard is silent, and Tommy chuckles]
- Tommy: Richard... were you watching, "Spank-tra-vision?"
- Richard: [Rolls over to go to sleep] Ok then; let's hit it.
- Tommy: Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? "Buddy... Whack-it"?
- Richard: Ok, then; let's get some shut-eye.
- Tommy: [looks out the window] Hey, that's a pretty girl down there!
- Richard: Good for her.
- Tommy: Geez, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!
- Richard: Couldn't tell ya.
- [Later that night]
- Tommy: Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin'.
- Richard: Yep. That'd be good.
- Tommy: [a pause] Richard... Who's your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa?
- [snickers]
- Tommy: Or is it SPANKY?
- [giggles. Richard covers his face in shame]
- Tommy: Sinner.
- [Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident]
- Richard: Hey... I was just thinking... when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.
- Tommy: Hey if you're going to say I didn't put the right kind in, you're wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.
- Richard: True. But you can't latch the hood too well, *if you don't take the can our, you no-selling waste of space*
- [Tommy winces at his mistake]
- Richard: I swear to God, you're worthless!
- Tommy: R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That's a one-day delivery, but you've got it marked down for two.
- R.T., Shipping Foreman: That's because it's going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio.
- [he shows Tommy the shipping address]
- R.T., Shipping Foreman: You see these letters by the city? That's called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?
- Tommy: Uh... that's pretty much it for now.
- R.T., Shipping Foreman: Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe.
- [Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M's on the dashboard and they immediately pour into an open vent]
- Richard: Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.
- Tommy: I think you'll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. 'Surprised you didn't know that.
- Richard: I think your brain has a thick candy shell.
- Tommy: Your... Your brain has the shell on it.
- Richard: Are you talking?
- Tommy: Shut up, Richard.
- Richard: All right, now it's sale time, so remember, we don't take no...?
- Tommy: No shit from anyone.
- Richard: No.
- Tommy: Um, we don't take no prisoners.
- Richard: We don't take no for answer.
- Tommy: Oh yeah... We don't take no for an answer! We don't take no for an answer...
- [Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation]
- 'No' Manager: No.
- Tommy: Okey-dokey.
- 'No' Manager: No.
- Tommy: Gotcha. Thanks.
- 'No' Manager: [shaking his head 'no'] Mmmm-mmmm.
- Tommy: Terrific! Thanks for your time.
- Tommy: Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.
- Richard: Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.
- Tommy: My shoulder doesn't hurt very much, but my face does.
- [points to huge bruised area on his face]
- Tommy: Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.
- Richard: Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?
- Helen: Yep. And you, what can I get
- [pauses and looks at Tommy's face]
- Helen: Jesus, what happened to your face?
- Tommy: I knew it!
- Gas Station Employee: I'm starting to picking up your sarcasm.
- Richard: Well, I should hope so, because I'm laying it on pretty thick.
- Richard: Ok, folks, the guy in front of you is Tommy, he's gonna be taking you through my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he's never been laid.
- Richard: Okay, and life preservers, these... we may need. Although what are the odds of us actually hitting a lake? My money says if anything, it's gonna be a mountain.
- Paul: Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank. You don't even have a right to be here!
- Michelle: Gee, it's funny you should bring that up, 'cause I'm not sure that you have the right to be here.
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it's a Police Report.
- Ray Zalinsky: What's all this about?
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Let's see. "Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns". Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!
- Richard: Yes. Provocative.
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.
- Michelle: Which also means that Beverly's shares still belong to Tommy.
- Richard: And... what about seat belts? To fasten, take the little end and stick it in the big end and... you know what? If you guys don't know how to use a seatbelt, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a *retard*.
- [Moments earlier they hit a deer, it's now riding in the back seat of Richard's car]
- Tommy: Where are we gonna take the deer?
- Richard: I dunno, the vet?
- Tommy: You take dead animals to the vet?
- Richard: Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
- Tommy: Yeah I'll take you to the... Um...
- Richard: Got that?
- Tommy: Shut up.
- Mrs. Nelson: Honey? Look at this human bomb on the news.
- Ted Nelson, Customer: Huh? Oh yeah, I buy brake pads off him. I thought we were watching cartoons.
- Paul: That's it! I'm not gonna take this.
- Richard: Uh, uh! It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
- Michelle: Let's see... warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud.
- [Paul makes as if to say something, then makes a break for the door]
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [shouts] Get him!
- Ray Zalinsky: Don't let him leave the complex, Marty.
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [Paul runs into the Zalinsky auto testing center] Hey, you forgot your wife!
- Paul: Screw you! Screw all of you!
- [trips over the lever that starts the crash test; car drives fast]
- Paul: Not good.
- Ray Zalinsky: Hit the brakes!
- Paul: [screaming; car stops abruptly, sends Paul flying into a chair; a huge test bag drops down and smashes his testicles] Aaahh! Ohhh!
- Richard: Ooh! That will ruin his weekend.
- Mr. Brady, Customer: But I'm going to be honest with you. I don't like you, probably never will. You're a smug unhappy little man and you treat people like they were idiots.
- Kid in Bank: Hey, Mom! It's the guy who robbed the bank.
- Tommy: I didn't rob any bank.
- Kid in Bank: Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.
- Tommy: I got a tiny head?
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: [seeing Beverly, for the first time, as she rises out of Big Tom's swimming pool] Holy Schnike! Is that for me?
- Big Tom: No, son, that's for me.
- Thomas 'Tommy' Callahan III: Oh, man. Dad, she's like a - 10.
- Ray Zalinsky: Marty, find out where the police are going to be taking him. Send over a bottle of bubbly with a bucket of ice and a card. Have it say, "Tough break, get drunk on me. Use the bucket to ice down your marbles, Yours, Z."
- Richard: What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?
- Tommy: Ohhhh, man...
- Richard: One and a...
- Tommy: ... half percent. I knew that. Why can't I remember it?
- Richard: Try an association like, uhhh... Let's say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.
- Tommy: Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.
- Michelle: He's a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
- Tommy: Wow!
- [awkward silence]
- Michelle: [holds up box of Dunkin' Donuts] Want one?
- Tommy: I'd better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I'd get them lodged right in this region here.
- [motioning at his stomach]