The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer

Now, since I haven't seen every show that ever aired on network T.V., I won't say its the worst show ever, but its one of the worst I ever saw. I was eating dinner at my mothers house the night this show had its debut and quickly ate my dinner so I could go in her living room and see if it was as bad as the reviewer in the New York Post said it was. Well it was. The shows humor was crude, crass, and childish. Set during the civil war the show depicts president Lincon and his generals and staff as bunch of lunatics more obsessed with sex than carrying on with the important nations business at hand. Only during the Clinton administration could anyone come up with an idea as vulgar as this. The shows portrayal of Mary Todd Lincon as a neurotic nymphomaniac demonstrates the levels the creators of this show could sink to.

The fact that this show only lasted a few episodes shows the American viewing public still has some taste.

Back in 1998, I was present for the taping of an episode of The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer. Thankfully, I'd managed to block it from memory ever since. But something this evening brought it to mind and, unable to remember the name, I found myself entering "abraham lincoln sitcom" into Google.

Kinda wish I'd let that sleeping dog lie.

I have to say, I don't understand the defense of the show. There are those who will tell you that the show was canceled because it was too controversial. Those people are fooling themselves. The problem wasn't that the show was racially insensitive. The problem wasn't that it was irreverent. The problem wasn't that it was juvenile. The problem wasn't that it was raunchy. It was all of these things, but there are plenty of drop dead funny shows that encompass all of the above.

The problem was that it was painfully, painfully, PAINFULLY unfunny.

You know the scene in Swingers when Mikey just can't put the damn phone down, and with every message you bury your head deeper in your hands, your skin crawls and your stomach churns as you watch this poor guy surrender, bit by bit, every last shred of dignity he's ever possessed? That's how I felt for the cast. Desmond Pfeiffer wasn't broad, ironic or self-aware. That set was where broad, ironic and self-aware went to die. It was beyond unfunny. It was negative funny. All the funny things I'd seen in the month preceding and two months following the taping? Completely negated and rendered unfunny by Desmond Pfeiffer. Rehashing the same old tired, overused, unfunny sex jokes in a different setting doesn't make them fresh and amusing. And it doesn't help matters when the show is convinced -- CONVINCED -- that it's absolutely hysterical.

The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer is the annoying, drunken lout at the party who belts out the one about the farmer's daughters that you've heard at least 127 times (screwing up the punchline, no less), but who's convinced his retelling is a work of comic genius because he's smashed and he's wearing a lampshade on his head. It's not funny. It's just hard to watch.

"The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfieffer" was a television show that, sadly, only lasted for four weeks, during which the show and its premise was constantly derided and mocked by the media and largely ignored by the television viewing public.

True, a sitcom about Abraham Lincoln's sarcastic black butler sounds silly, and it is, but luckily the show carried a sense of self-awareness. Despite one atrocious episode (in which the drunken Ulysses S. Grant faces down his bowling demons) the show 's remaining three were not pitifully stupid, as some folks would have you believe.

The cast was top notch: Chi MacBride (who was Cyrus in Peter Jackson's under-rated "The Frighteners") is simply superb as the title character: A dignified and intelligent overwieght black man, truly a rarity among prime-time role models. Max Baker was the image of perfection as Nibblet, the inbred indentured servant, and Dan Florik was suitable as the Bill Clinton-meets-Gerald Ford Lincoln.

The show isn't perfect, though. Many jokes fall flat, and the woman playing Mrs. Lincoln is quite annoying.

But the show had its moments, as evidenced in the episode in which Desmond, Nibblet, and Lincoln are stranded behind Confederate Lines. Desmond has convinced the Southern soldiers that he is, in fact, a white Confederate spy disguised as a black Northern free slave. One Southerner inquirers, "It must be awfully hard on you to even temporarily go through life as a Negro."

To which Desmond replies "Oh, it hasn't been that bad. I have been able to get a lot more white women!"

It will be missed.

The Secret Diary Of Desmond Pfeiffer was a show that parodied one of America's most enduring icons: President Abraham Lincoln and the people in his administration. And, as such, it disturbed a lot of historians and Civil War buffs that found the concept unseemly. In fact, it was pretty darned funny.

The title character (with the "P" pronounced) was a British manservant in the employ of the 16th President and he would write his observations about what went on behind the scenes at The White House, in his secret diary, giving you a very different spin on what the history books had to say. Desmond was smart, sharp, had a comeback for every comment and did it with a smile and with style, and that all served to remind audiences of the character of Benson, another manservant in the employ of a politician.

Some of the character traits of these historic figures were based on information that was known, but not widely discussed: like General U.S. Grant's propensity for drink, and Mary Todd's mental illnesses. What people probably found most offensive was that Lincoln was portrayed as a both a philanderer and a complete and utter fool, who needed to be instructed by Desmond on every occasion, even begging his assistant for help at times.

The jokes were usually at the expense of the above three characters, as Desmond constantly had to straighten out the situations their personality traits got them into, and save the day, with the help of, or really, in spite of his assistant, Nibblet, a completely inept White House staffer. However, whatever got patched up was always made to look like Lincoln and his company were the true heroes, for posterity's sake. But there was one other major political target for the show's humor...

There were many parallels to the Clinton administration and the troubles that plagued it at the time of the program's broadcast. Lincoln's sexual fetishes made a clear statement about the Executive branch's needs throughout history, and the recurring character of Hillary wandering around the 1990s version of the White House was included as part of an episode's dénouement.

So many took offense at the entire concept of the show that it really had no chance, and the program was pulled off the air after only a handful of episodes. Despite the quick cancellation, I felt the series was in the same league as the brilliant Mel Brooks Robin Hood parody, "When Things Were Rotten," from some 20 years before, another show that viewers and even some critics at the time just didn't seem to get.

Sure this wasn't the greatest show on TV, but it seemed that those opposed to it (because of it "racial insensitivity") just wanted to get TV air time. The sole African American character (Chi McBride) the most intelligent! And the show tried to to meld well-worn characters into modern (albeit crude) comedy. By contrast the newer "Still Standing" (with Jami Gertz) is TOTALLY unfunny, and even rips off entire scenes (and plot lines) from another unfunny "hit" show ("Yes, Dear"). Maybe it's because I like history, but I can't believe this was off the air faster than any of those endless "Friends" clones.