Ankle Biters

Good grief, Charlie Brown. I thought I had seen the worst movie ever (that being "The House That Screamed" and its sequel) but here comes "Ankle Biters". I have to commend the makers of this movie for one thing though. They managed to scour the Earth and locate the worst actors and put them in the same movie. Bravo! I know that this is a low budget film and you can't hold that against them but come on. Did they write this movie as they were filming? Because the "actors" (or friends of the director) delivered their lines like a stiff board. It pains me that absolute garbage can be packaged in a video cassette. Don't get me wrong. I love to rent b-movie horror films. It's enjoyable just to watch them and poke fun throughout the movie. And every once in awhile you find a diamond in the rough, (i.e. "Dog Soldiers") but this movie is so boring you want to scream. Oh, and invest in a boom mike. Not that it would have helped this movie but at least you can hear the stiff lines.

What's going on? I'm sure you used to have to show some sort of vague talent before someone let you make a film? I rented this from the video store, and I was expecting bad acting, lots of blood, cheap horror, vampires biting ankles. But this???

I'm not going to complain about things that were constrained by budget, as obviously you've got to start somewhere etc, and this guy clearly had no money. But there was no creativity whatsoever.

The lingering, slow, purposeless shots of cars... driving... down... roads. And the action scenes without the merest hint of directing talent, or actors willing to do any kind of stunts. And no matter how many times you reverse a shot of someone jumping off a tall thing, it doesn't make it "charming" or a "marvel". And what was with that scene in the middle where the sound goes really quiet? If you're reading this director-man, did you not watch this film once you'd made it? Obviously you had no boom mike, but you can't just make a scene where you can't hear the plot.

I read the back of the video sleeve - dwarf vampires take over the world - and though this could perhaps be the best film ever made. Sadly not. It's not big or clever. It's not cult. It's just badly made.

A person making a film on celluloid would had to pay for every foot of film, thereby making them careful and selective with what they shot. But if this is the way things are going with DV, I think I'd rather poke out my eyes than watch another amatuer DV film.

What can I say!!!! this is the worst movie i have ever seen!! in fact ive made better movies than this, how this movie got a video release is an amazement, no action no blood no acting no style no budget no sound no direction no pace no story no nothing.............

This film is pretty much just a $10 ripoff of the Blade films but with ghetto biker zombie vampire redneck MIDGETS. Basically, there's a sword that exists that can transform a tall human who is stabbed with it into a vampire, as it is the same sword that killed the last tall vampire. Or something. The ghetto biker zombie vampire redneck midgets get ahold of the sword by making a deal with some mobsters and then it's up to Drexel and his midget pal, T-Bone, to kill the evil midgets or something. Meanwhile, the evil midgets stab a redneck mechanic, and he becomes a vampire slave. So, the rest of the film is some fights between midgets and some walking around and some talking and some horrible redneck acting. And a slow-motion backflip scene.

I can honestly say that there's NOTHING to like about this film. It's a rare film that isn't so bad it's good... it's just plain BAD. It's just a boring waste of time, with the ONLY POSSIBLE SAVING GRACE being that you want to watch to see how amateurish and terrible things can get. Drexel is one of the worst human beings in history.

Awful.

Dwarf vampires... an exploitation film at its finest. Or so you might think.

From the moment that you first see the bad camera work and can't identify what was just said with the horrid sound recording, you know that you're in for a ride that you will remember in your worst nightmares.

I love low-budget independents. They are almost always made with passion and love. This one looks to have been made on a couple cases of really cheap beer and a couple of hundred bucks. There is a story here. Kind of. Mostly there are dwarf alcoholics, motorcycles, and what I would call bad acting (except that acting usually requires a modicum of effort).

The music for the closing credits will haunt you long after you have tried to forget the rest of the movie. (THREE FEET TALL! TWO INCH FANGS!)

However, I must give props to the filmmakers for actually making a feature and getting it distributed. It sets the bar for the wannabe indie filmmaker and gives us hope that one day, we too will be famous.