Anaconda 3: La venganza

The first Anaconda was passable, the second was pretty poor but nothing could have prepared me for this! Though the ultra low IMDB rating should have really come to mention it.

I guess was doomed from the start, it has a tiny budget by comparison, it's the third film in an already cheesy scyfy level franchise and the biggest star they could get to carry the movie was the "Hoff".

So yeah, it all looks so very terrible. I could do better sfx than this (And have), the snakes look pitiful and the cast look positively bored throughout.

Though Hasselhoff is better than usual he still can't carry a film and the incredible John Rhys-Davies has a heartbreakingly small role here.

To make matters even worse the plot is generic, the pace is snooze worthy and the whole thing is just seven shades of embarassing.

One more movie to go at time of writing, it can't get worse than this........right?

The Good:

The "Hoff" is better than usual

John Rhys-Davies

The Bad:

Poor cgi

Actually manages to be incredibly boring

The advertised "Stars" are barely in the film

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

Always know the animal before the hunt

Cool girls don't look at explosions either

While researching an offspring of anaconda with transgenic for saving lives discovering cure for cancer and Alzheimer in the facility of Wexel Hall Pharmaceutics, the CEO Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies) refuses to invest in a larger tank and more security and staff as advised by the head of the project, Dr. Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen). When he focuses a light in the tank, the anaconda attacks and breaks out the confined facility. Murdoch hires a team leaded by the mercenary Hammett (David Hasselhoff) to destroy the animal.

What a crap this lame "Anaconda III" is! This collection of clichés is awful, not funny, noisy and ridiculous, with terrible screenplay, acting and CGI. I believe the anaconda likes dyed blonde since the beast attacks everybody but the twenty-nine year old scientist along the story. Do not waste your time like I did is my final advice. My vote is one.

Title (Brazil): "Anaconda 3"

When a film features David Hasselhoff and his crack team of snake-fighting mercenaries facing off against a 60-foot-long genetically altered anaconda before the opening credits even roll, any fan of B-movie cheese can arguably presume they're in for a good time. Hasselhoff's self-deprecating humor and strange otherworldly charm make him an endearing punchline, and also translates well into the world of Sci Fi Channel stardom. Sadly, after that opening scene, The Hoff all but disappears for the next 45 minutes of the film, and what starts with campy reptile-killin' fun quickly spirals into boring laboratory diatribes about the dangers of gene manipulation and the real-world uses of unlikely immortality drugs.

Although the ads would lead one to believe otherwise, ANACONDA III actually centers on Amanda (Crystal Allen), a scientist who works for Universal Bio-Tech and the nefarious—and appropriately named—Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies, obviously still fuming over not being included in the new Indiana Jones film). It seems that he's been playing God with the reptilian world and has somehow managed to create an anaconda that's not only larger and angrier than any snake on Earth, but sports a three-foot machete growing out of its tail. This Ginsu butt comes into play numerous times during the film, and while the results are always spectacularly gory, a serpent's bladed posterior is inescapably difficult to take seriously.

Since all B-movie snakes carry the cure for (insert disease here), another round of unethical testing is underway, and it isn't long before our slithering behemoth breaks out of its cage, knocks off everyone but Amanda and her boss and heads out into the lush green wilderness of Romania. It's only then that Hasselhoff's Hammett and a group of ALIENS space-Marine rejects (resembling the United Colors of Benetton) are hired to eradicate the monster, which has taken up residence in a nearby farmhouse. With that, we've now got the prerequisite team of Special Ops, the cheap sets and the giant CG monster…everything required for a yet another weak entry in the recent string of bland Sci Fi Channel originals.

Director Don E. FauntLeroy, who served as DP on the JEEPERS CREEPERS movies and nearly 50 other films, has managed to shoot a good-looking feature, but fills it with every painful cliché imaginable. First-time screenwriters Nicholas Davidoff and David Olson sprinkle in occasionally fun dialogue, but their script is ultimately burdened down with bland characters and extremely corny, uninspired plot twists. Hasselhoff's Hammett, a fun antihero who deserves more screen time (and one-liners), is delegated to a glorified supporting role beneath far less interesting characters. Rhys-Davies, whose cameo appearances work quite well, will hopefully receive a beefier role in ANACONDA IV (the direct sequel shot back to back with this movie, scheduled to debut this December); otherwise, he served virtually no purpose at all. It's only Allen as the spunky Amanda who breathes any life into her role; a surprise, given her lack of substantial film experience prior to headlining this one. Unfortunately, given the material, even she has trouble rising above the movie's stupendous mediocrity. When all is said and done, ANACONDA III should have been a much better film, but it also could have been much worse. The cast is sorely mismanaged, the plot is all over the board and the digital FX—particularly a handful of atrocious greenscreen driving shots—are by-and-large laughable, but the cast and crew obviously worked hard with what little they had. With any luck, this sequel's surviving characters will find more to do in the next entry, and we'll end up with a film that's not just meatier, but more entertaining. A direct-to-cable second follow-up to a creature feature headlined by J. Lo and Ice Cube doesn't need to be a masterpiece, but it should be passable as an evening's fleeting distraction. ANACONDA III is just barely that, but it's still regrettable that something as inherently amusing as David Hasselhoff fighting a giant snake couldn't have ended up just the slightest bit more fun.

Harmless fun. A couple of giant, generically altered snakes break out and terrorize people. The snakes are not-great CGI, but they commit a lot of mayhem, probably more graphically than you'd expect. David Hasslehoff (yup, you read that right) leads the group that is chasing them. Best part of the flick, by far, is Crystal Allen, who plays a PhD and a snake expert, and she's my favorite type of snake expert PhD, the type that is a smoking hot blonde and spends almost the entire movie in a tight, form-fitting tank top. Crystal also works hard to sell her character, and she's fun to watch.

Debuted on Sci-Fi channel in advance of the DVD release, you could do a lot worse.

The original Anaconda was a fun B-movie bolstered by a good cast; Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid was a more than serviceable sequel, despite zero star power; Anacondas 3: Offspring is made-for-TV drivel shot in Romania where movie-making is cheap, and its stars are The Hoff and Gimli. No famous faces would have been preferable.

The risible plot sees sexy blonde herpetologist Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen) team up with ruthless hunter Hammett (David Hasselhoff) and a team of mercenaries to find and destroy a deadly snake that has escaped from a laboratory owned by terminally ill billionaire Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies), head of Wexel Hall Pharmaceuticals. For reasons too convoluted to go into, the snake is over 60ft long and still growing and has a big spike on the end of its tail with which it impales its prey.

With a terrible supporting cast comprising largely of local Romanian talent, diabolical special effects (the green screened backdrop used whenever someone is driving a vehicle is appalling), ridiculous creature design (in addition to a spiked tail, the snake also has glowing red areas around its head), and a script that rips off both Aliens (the mercs obviously inspired by that film's marines) and Predator (Amanda avoids being attacked when she is covered in mud), the film is barely watchable, its only plus points being some gore (severed limbs, decapitations, impalements) and the fact that Crystal Allen spends much of the time in a tight white vest.

To make things worse, the streaming site I found this on made me watch a music video by a whiny rapper called Pk3y before the film started. Talk about adding insult to injury!