Lantern's Lane

So, remember the Geico commercial that plays around Halloween? The one in which a group of teens decide to "hide behind the chainsaws" in a old shed! The Killer" appears behind them as they run out aimlessly into a dark field yelling "Head for the Cemetery"? Well, imagine now that same commercial of nothing bad decisions made in a horror film....this is that movie! You're welcome!

Plot

A recent college graduate and her estranged high school friends return to Lantern's Lane, the location of an evil urban legend and must fight to survive the night.

Cast

Not familiar with anyone involved.

Verdict

I grew up with slashers, I remember the days they were the biggest sub-genre within horror but they were gradually phased out as the popularity waned and I'd imagine that happened because they became predictable, uninspired and they saturated the industry too much.

You'd think for this reason they'd hold a place in my heart but truth be told though a horror fanatic, slashers are one of the weakest sub-genres for me.

For this reason I went into Lantern's Lane assuming the worst, though I did like the killers mask here.

It's everything you expect when going into a slasher, the tropes, the cliches, but oddly not the kills. You see the character roster is low therefore picking them off one by one was never really on the cards and this slasher essential finds itself lacking. How can a slasher lack kills? It makes up for it in other areas right? A thinking mans slasher perhaps? Nope, it's a bog standard unoriginal one that just doesn't offer one of the few things such a movie absolutely positively needs.

Lanterns Lane is lazy, lacks the basics and brings nothing to the table.

Rants

You know I despise the Scream series, okay fine the first was watchable but they went down a predictable uninspired generic route double quick and I lost interest. Then the modern ones with Ortega came out and I disliked them for a different reason, the lack of believability to comedic levels. What I mean by that is that being a stabbed seems to be more of an inconvenience than a threat to life. You will see characters get stabbed repeatedly, the blade pulled up through the persons flesh as if they're being disemboweled and they manage to flee and are seen later simply with a bandage on. The last movie especially was laughable to next level degrees, even the one character near the end who got stabbed easily two dozen times by both killers simultaneously was on a gurney moments later laughing, joking and kissing his girl!

The Good

Killer looked okay

The Bad

Predictable stuff Very bland Simply not enough kills/horror.

I have wasted my life... well a part of it watching this movie. Will I ever get this time back ??? Noooo... Well I suppose all actors have to start somehow. But I just wish I had skipped this film altogether and went and done something less boring instead.

In 99% of this stinker, nothing happens. It's some people sitting and talking. That's all. Once the "killer" arrives, the killer just sort of strolls around a little and make a halfhearted attempt or two at a stab. The identity of the killer is obvious from the start. It is boring, very boring. I've seen more action in a cemetery. Do yourself a favor and watch grass grow. It will be a more exciting night than watching this trash. On a good note, some acting was alright.

Open all your doors and windows and bust out the air freshener folks. This one's a real stinker. The perfect storm of bad dialogue, slow pacing, dumb characters, and acting so wooden it could only excite a termite. It seems to be billed as a comedy/horror. I saw no evidence of either. Not sure the point of this movie or how it managed to get made. Other than that it was awesome.