Moving Out

Watching Wicked Pictures' mediocre and hopelessly mundane film "Moving Out" I kept wondering: where are all the Wicked contract girls? Having been made in 2008, the fans deserved to see Kirsten Price, Stormy, Jessica Drake or perhaps Mikayla, but instead we have a nostalgia story about 3 roommates moving out of their loft featuring a trio of attractive but clearly C-list talent: Maya Gates, Brooke Banner and Renae Cruz. Clearly unwashed porn fans wouldn't kick any of the three out of bed, to use the tired cliché, but for the industry's top label what's going on here?

The BTS short subject on the DVD resolves that mystery, rather unintentionally: BTS cameraman/interviewer Red Ezra chats with Cruz who mentions she was expecting to co-star with Carmen Hart (under contract) but Maya Gates showed up instead. Ezra points out that her other co-star will be Brooke Banner instead of Kaylani Lei, explaining about the absent stars: "They both got ill after Vegas", evidently referring to some industry event, likely the AVN promotional conclave.

But this substitute issue is not the main reason for the film's utter failure. Billed pompously as a "Jonathan Morgan comedy creation", it is a flaccid sex movie that reminded me of those dreaded '70s loop carriers: theatrical films that had a semblance of framing story but consisted simply of recycled or sometimes newly-shot vignettes strung together randomly to fill out the required running time.

Morgan has the trio with moving boxes all packed reminiscing about old times, with five XXX segments in flashback for the audience's prurient benefit.

One involves a Y2K New Year's Eve party in which there is a blackout, creating fears that the dreaded millennium disaster as predicted is occurring. Instead, Voodoo goes to the fuse box, proves nothing much happened, and Brooke humps him out of relief. Eight years later they're still together, handling poor Morgan-scripted banter.

South American bombshell Gates admits in the BTS that she only learned English four months ago, well into her Adult career, and her line readings reflect this problem. But all three leads rush through their dialog unconvincingly (like reading the phone book, to toss in yet another appropriate cliché) as they and Morgan are in quite a hurry to get on with the sex.

Gates' flashback is with a biker named Snake, listlessly played by Alex Sanders who is already considerably over the hill by the time this was shot, seguing more usefully into his later career as editor. Morgan ridicules Gates in the BTS (knowing she can't fully understand his English put-downs), mocking her expertise in anal sex, and that is what we get from her and Alex.

Cruz, who plays a stereotypical hippy-dippy save the world type, anxious to help out in Africa at a project manufacturing air conditioners at a coal-fired plant ("chill out" is her motto), gets to hump a Senator played by Steven St. Croix. Morgan's lame script pays equal time making fun of right-wingers and left-wingers, but his funniest material is saved for his asides in the BTS, not the film he wrote.

Lesbian sex is the theme of the remaining segments, one involving our girls led by Brooke turning into peeping Thomasinas, with a telescope aimed at a neighbor's pad where Tommy Gunn is making out with Kylie Wylde. Gates visits them to see what's happening, resulting in a threesome that includes Maya/Kylie action.

Finale is a flashback of the star trio playing a watered down version of Truth or Dare, for a lesbian three-way involving toys. Film's non-ending is Brooke leaving, nothing having happened for these boring characters except the flashback anecdotes.

Needless to say, superstars Carmen and Kaylani couldn't have saved this turkey and probably were relieved that they weren't forced (perhaps shooting might have been delayed until they felt better) under contract to appear in it.