Witch

Despite a few low lit scenes, this movie is so poorly produced it's hard to get into it. Story idea is ok, but the costumes and sets are so bad it's distracting. The costumes look like they ordered cheap bagged Halloween costumes from Amazon! Except the scenes in the woods, the sets look like they were build by a high school theatre club. The blacksmith is working with hammer and iron outside a shack and without a fire. It could have been improved and still been cheaply done. Low lighting or artistic photography would have improved it a lot. If there's nothing else that looks good, it's not a total waste of time.

Some films are so bad they're good. Witch (2024) is so bad, it's almost insulting. Directed (or rather, mishandled) by Craig Hinde and Marc Zammit, this supposed folk horror catastrophe is one of the most painful cinematic experiences in recent memory.

The movie starts off slow-and not in a brooding, atmospheric way. It's just boring. Within the first ten minutes, it's clear that pacing, suspense, and coherent storytelling were left at the script draft stage. The plot, which revolves around a man trying to prove his wife isn't a witch, somehow manages to drag despite being absurdly thin. When the film suddenly throws in a half-baked multiverse twist, it's less of a shock and more of a desperate grasp for relevance.

The acting ranges from wooden to downright embarrassing. The only slightly redeemable performance comes from Daniel Jordan, who tries his best with the role of a judge-but even he can't save this trainwreck. The rest of the cast feel like they were pulled from a last-minute community theatre audition.

The direction is amateurish, with lifeless scenes, bizarre editing, and dialogue that sounds like it was written by an AI trained solely on Tumblr posts and bad Renaissance Fair scripts. The horror elements? Laughable. At one point, a poorly rendered CGI flame floats across the screen like a PowerPoint animation. It's hard to tell if this was meant to be scary or if the film is secretly a parody of itself.

Visually, it's a mess. Despite being set in 16th-century England, everything feels oddly artificial and modern. The cinematography has all the charm of a history channel reenactment on a tight budget.

I can usually find something to appreciate even in the lowest-budget indie films. I want to like them. But Witch is on another level of bad. I honestly don't think I could finish it even if you paid me-not without falling asleep or losing my will to live.

Final verdict: Do yourself a favor and skip this one. Burn some sage, say a prayer, and pretend Witch (2024) never existed.

Don't believe the high ratings for this film!

These people must be paid shills who are inflating the film's quality for profit.

Historical inaccuracies and inconsistencies abound. "Okay" was not used until 1839. A bowl of obviously plastic fruit is set on the blacksmith's table. Swords are flimsy aluminum. Acting is at best 2nd rate. The horseshoes that the blacksmith is hammering are absolutely cold, and made for gaming, not for shoeing horses. After he hammers these cold horseshoes uselessly for a while, he hands them directly into the bare hands of a customer, and later his wife, even though he was holding them with tongs while hammering them, indicating that they were very hot!

After William and Twyla escape from the jail, the guard who pursues them suddenly just gives up and goes back to town, even though the escapees were only about 20 feet ahead of them!

Johanna was caught red-handed, holding her parents' heads in her hands in the middle of town, yet William screams out at her trial, "How many innocent people have been sent to the gallows by these so-called trials?" Apparently, William does not consider fratricide or matricide as crimes worth prosecution!

"Twyla" was not used as a name until 1965.

AntiChristian bias also abounds! The town priest is a sadistic psychopath who thinks it's his job to cleanse the filthy peasants of their sins by corporal and capital punishment. The gray-robed shaman says that the devil is nothing to be feared. And all religion is a lie based on fear. Demons are evil, but the devil is OK? WTF? Who's the chief of the demons? Wouldn't he be the devil?

DUH!

The old shaman also claims to be William at a younger age. But this begs the question, how did young William's huge nose shrink so much over the years?

Of course, we have more of the parallel universe string theory nonsense that prevails in way too many stories these days. Conveniently makes even the most moronically rudimentary plot too complicated to make sense of! Utter garbage!

I got swindled out of $5 to suffer through this worthless mess, but I am writing this review so that perhaps, in your universe, you will be wise enough not to repeat my painful error!

May the Farts be with all you motherlovers!

So many reviewers seem to be hunting anacronisms like they are scavenger hunting in a trivia game. Come on, folks, we know this movie isn't perfect, but it definitely offers a few nice chills and aha moments. Drawing us in with atmosphere and mountig dread, subtly redirecting us away from the impending trial to the mysterious old man, then springing a new direction on the audience. As I said many times, delicious! Yes, I would edit a bit more ruthlessly and cut the whole thing by about ten minutes, but when I remember this film was made by sweat, faith and crowdfunding, I am blown away by its effectiveness! Kudos to Zammit and the whole team!

I rented, paid £4.49, and watched this movie because of the high scores given on this app... I'm partial to a scary/horror film but 3/10 is all I could rate this. Its a "D" rate movie...

The movie in general is predictable and not tense or scary in the slightest. Not once did I even experience a "jump scare"! The acting is terrible and not all believable.

The storyline is painful to watch. I'll never watch this again and I don't think anyone should even give it a chance. Do yourself a favour and give this a skip. There's an hour and 45 minutes of my Sunday night I'll not be able to retrieve.