Clash of the Empires

Some movies defy reviews.

Think "Zardoz." Think "Myra Breckinridge." Think of any time you've said, "What the hell planet is this movie from?" That's this movie.

The gorgeous location shooting, along with the grand adventure narrative, give the impression hack filmmaking house The Asylum's goal here was to evoke a John Milius' "Conan the Barbarian"-type epic.

What turned it to gold was the decision to populate the cast almost entirely with Thai midgets. And they fight giant spiders and battle cavemen who ride flying Komodo dragons. Because yeah. And all of this takes place, the beginning of the film instructs us, in "Indonesia, 12,000 years ago."

Shoehorned into the story are some dude from "Stargate SG-1" and every-man's-Asian-girlfriend-nightmare Bai Ling, because the movie needed star power and Bai Ling probably needed the money for bail or booze.

But they don't matter, because what this movie is really about is wildly overacting, violently gesticulating little people who have been dubbed, apparently, by the same people who dubbed all those "Godzilla" movies in the 1960s.

Folks, they're WONDERFUL. They chew through the scenery, barking their lines and flailing their arms like Ewok Shatners.

They turned what might have been an above-average adventure offering from The Asylum, like "Princess of Mars," into an astounding Munchkinland/Lord-of-the-Rings/tiny-chicks-in-the-box-from-"Mothra" mashup.

It's pure movie crystal meth. You know it's poison. You know it's rotting your brain. But you just can't resist it.

And despite the cavemen's obvious joke-store fang teeth, despite the second most poorly rendered digital woolly rhinoceros ever put on screen (the first being, of course, Zach Galifianakis), despite your wanting Bai Ling to just stop yapping and take her clothes off (she does neither), you'll watch it again. Then you'll rent it again. Then you'll buy the DVD. Then you'll start selling "Clash of the Empires" DVDs just to support your viewing habit.

This is your brain. This is your brain on overacting Thai midgets. Any questions?

I hate to give such bad score for a film, but this is the typical idea that is better in a book. Each of the variables (Actors, effects, script, music, makeup, time, equipment, etc...) can transform the movie into a catastrophe (pretty much what's happen). I'm not saying that all aspects of this movie are awful, but in comparison with a international movie's standard... I could not give less. That is why I"m sorry, I try to understand all the good work and the good things that the movie have as well, but still seams an idea way too ambitious for what they have in hands. I like all kinds of movies, and I know that is too easy criticize a work that is already done. but seriously, there is a lot of things in the movie that are stupid and unnecessary.

(2012) Clash of the Empires HISTORICAL ACTION FICTION

In order for China and Rome to make peace with one another, Rome would have to send in their prince, in this case, it's Marcus (Gavin Stenhouse) to marry one of China's princesses named, Princess Meng Li Hua (Jing Lusi). The Roman army also needed the assistance of a Malaysian warrior named Merong (Stephen Rahman Hughes), who also has a score to settle with an evil Malaysian wizard, as well as a radical Malaysian army group, intent to sabotage the whole peace process altogether, between China and Rome. And they do this by kidnapping the princess. The demographic audience for this movie sometimes seems like it's intended for kids, while there are other times it's intended for adults. I guess, it's for adults during the times when they're subtitles that needed to be read, with the silly comedy bits intended for kids. Then there's the CGI, which looks totally fake, as well as the fight scenes which I have to say sometimes look phony- at times looked like that it was made for TV which surprisingly is not. 1/2 a star.

It is not so bad, folks. Obviously it's not a good movie but not so terrible either. The Cambodian scenery is gorgeous and the CGI effects are fine considering the budget (in my opinion the monkeys in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" are much worse than the giant komodo dragons, spiders and other creatures here, especially because producers of Spielberg's film spent a hundred times more money. Also we have some decent fights and a cool Bai Ling playing the role of a warrior woman (definitely this is not her best performance from far but she is still very sexy and cool).

I watched it with my sons, seven and eleven years old, and we enjoyed it. Despite its moderate violence, I think that is not a bad film for watching with your children, it has enough elements for that: exotic adventures, a touch of fantasy and a subtle message of friendship and loyalty. It is not good, I repeat, but not so bad. Italian filmmakers made a lot of movies like this in seventies and eighties (usually more violent and less familiar), some of them have become cult movies only for nostalgic reasons. "Clash of the Empires" makes me remember those films and, being honest, maybe because I miss them I don't dislike this one.

donniedark in his review said "some flying crocodiles with men riding them like horses" not even close! More like flying newts!

Fortunately I also downloaded this to see if it was worth buying.

Buying!!!????? Are you kidding??

It wasn't even worth the download time and has now been deleted from my drive.

Definitely a close contender to replace "Plan 9 From Outer Space" in the position as the worst ever SF movie and as for putting a spoiler in the review? Believe you me, this film doesn't NEED any help!

Whatever you do, give this a miss. Maybe in twenty years or so it may reach "cult classic" status and be hailed for it's dire plot but it's definitely not a "pizza and beer" or a family night in movie.