Cocaine Shark

This year saw the release of not only Cocaine Bear...but a series of D-grade, ultra low budget spinoffs, like Cocaine Cougar...and, of course, this piece of Polonia produced trash...Cocaine Shark.

Which is not exactly what you'd think it would be, judging by the image on the poster...ie a giant shark, high on cocaine.

Rather, cocaine is spiked with some sort of bio-chemical, derived from sharks, that makes addicts hallucinate that they are shark-like humanoid creatures.

Or, more inexplicably, "crab sharks"...which manifest with a combination of shark and "crab" features (though they are more lobster like, in actuality).

On top of this iconic creativity...it features the piss poor dialogue you'd expect from a homemade horror...and some of the worst acting to ever grace the screen.

But the creatures- rendered with stop motion- are actually kind of cool.

In a lame sort of way.

But that doesn't make the title any less misleading.

Whether you like it (and why would you?), or not, this is sort of trash that Polonia has made a name for himself doing.

Leaving you to wonder how he actually manages to fund these projects.

My guess, would be from the overtime shifts at his McDonald's job.

But you've got to admire his passion.

Because there's no doubt he knows he sucks at making films...but doesn't let that slow him down.

As he shamelessly persists to produce worse and worse films...that are somewhat, laughably, entertaining.

Luckily, this one is relatively short.

So it's not to much of a burden to watch...when you want to get your cinemasochism on.

2 out of 10.

I was impressed with some of Mark's DIY creative choices, but that's always been something I love about Polonia movies. They've always got effort and creativity and a rotating group of actors you actually love watching.

I asked myself if Dustin Ferguson watched this and took some notes for his own Cocaine Cougar that I haven't been able to make myself watch and then I remembered he's completely delusional so of course he didn't. He also had his movie on shelves 3 weeks after Cocaine Bear debuted so I doubt he even watched that. The reviews I read for it say it's the exact same formula he always uses just with a terrible cgi cat thrown in at random places.

Anyway, this would probably be a 3.5 on a regular scale, but I'm rating it on the Ferguson Bell Curve so it's a 4.

With a low rating, and no expectations. Was expecting this film to be terrible giving its low budget and its parody title. The cover art made it look half way decent but overall there isn't anything really redeeming about this film.

The sharks are animated looking, and it isn't in a funny way. The acting is amateurish where's it's too distracting to take anything serious. The story isn't intriguing and there's no suspense, no mystery and in the end we wonder as to why we watched. It's not a film that's funny in a "so bad it's good" way, it's simply cheesy and forced. Not worth the watch. Far better low budget films out there.

I wish I could rate Cocaine Shark a 0/10. A 1 is too high.

Everything on the cover is a lie. There is no cocaine in this "movie". There is no great white shark. There certainly is no shark eating a block of cocaine or getting covered in it.

Instead, you get a plot revolving around human consumption of a fictional drug derived from a gland within shark bodies... or something. Whatever it is, it's definitely not cocaine. There's scenes of people lying in bed together and taking the drug and talking about it.

The closest thing to a shark here is a plastic creature with a hammerhead shark head and a lobster body which chases the main characters.

Guess this is the logical end result of taking what's already an intentionally bad movie in Cocaine Bear and using it to sell something else, where nothing other than the cover art matters. It's not a ripoff of Cocaine Bear, that would require a plot and content with any resemblance to it- rather, you will feel ripped off, even if you watch it for free.

I was impressed with some of Mark's DIY creative choices, but that's always been something I love about Polonia movies. They've always got effort and creativity and a rotating group of actors you actually love watching.

I asked myself if Dustin Ferguson watched this and took some notes for his own Cocaine Cougar that I haven't been able to make myself watch and then I remembered he's completely delusional so of course he didn't. He also had his movie on shelves 3 weeks after Cocaine Bear debuted so I doubt he even watched that. The reviews I read for it say it's the exact same formula he always uses just with a terrible cgi cat thrown in at random places.