Private Princess Christmas

5.4 stars.

It's not the worst thing I've seen, I've seen a whole lot worse. People say it's the worst movie Hallmark has ever made, but while the plot and the silliness and absurdity might be adjacent to the worst, the music, production value and acting are not.

I don't rate the movie in my bottom ten, I've seen almost a thousand Hallmark movies. However, it's certainly in the bottom 5%.

I feel if a film is not technically the trashiest of the trash, for sake of accuracy, I'll tell it like it is.

The actors are okay, the cinematography is good, the music is good, the sets are slightly lacking. What is extremely bad about this film is the story, theme, plot and dialogue. It's a joke. But like I said, these do not comprise the full experience. You have to take into account, the entertainment value, acting, the lighting the music direction. So overall, this is definitely in the bottom of the barrel, and a lost cause, but not utterly garbage.

If there was a negative rating, this movie certainly deserves it. I'll keep it succinct- terrible script,horrible acting, has no redeeming qualities. I actually watched as I think reviews deserve at least a look. Do NOT WATCH. It is pathetically awful. The writers could have done at least some research. The actor playing Ryan has a Tony nomination-which in itself is unbelievable given this performance.

The characters are all poorly written and the actors are poorly directed. The accents are embarrassing. The place names are just stupid.

I repeat: DO NOT BOTHER WATCHING. You can never have those hours back.

This is a good example of a Hallmark Christmas movie that is so off-the-wall and contrived that you wonder just why it was even made. The premise and the script are so ridiculous that there was no way that the movie could be salvaged.

Plus, there is very little having to do with Christmas here. Most of the characters are irritating, particularly the Queen (I guess she has no other name besides Mother) as played by an almost unrecognizable Erica Durance, who usually is wonderful in her movies - check her out in "Ms. Christmas Comes To Town." Why she took on this thankless role is beyond me.

The only saving grace is Tanja Dixon-Warren as Squibby.

She lets her hair down and adds some spark to the otherwise lackluster proceedings in this turkey.

I can understand why military-related viewers are very negative in their reviews of this film - but, really, you guys, what did you expect in a movie about a 10 day boot camp to toughen up a next-in-line Queen ?

Don't take that plot line seriously under any circumstances !

Okay, so we have writers who decided to do a take-off on Private Benjamin, add in a little Hallmark Royal Trope (in this case a princess), wedge in a love interest, and try to make something funny.

Well, there was one laugh and a few chuckles, but their script failed to live up to their ambition for this movie. They got across that the princess was spoiled, but never could add any real meat to her change in the ten-day boot camp.

Not nearly enough happened between the princess and the captain to build a relationship, so the love story fell flat. The captain's best moments were early on when he manned the returns desk at a Walmart/Target type retail store, and that was over very early.

It's watchable, barely. We won't be repeating the experience.

This movie is unbelievably bad, primarily due to the script but not helped by the acting or directing. Rather used to Hallmark movies not having the best acting, being a bit light on production quality, and not having the strongest scripts. But the script for this movie is just terrible. Cannot stress how bad it is. The concept of a bunch of spoiled brats being sent to a boot camp seems like a great opportunity for some hard knocks, moments of personal growth, and big laughs. This movie has none of that.

All of the humor consists of the same recycled jokes from other "boot camp" movies. Although other movies over the years have managed to make old jokes funny again, this movie fails every time. The moments that are supposed to be funny are recognizable, just not funny.

Hard knocks? Not here. Any attempts to "push" the brats are weak, including "the shredder", the lamest obstacle course conceivable and somehow the ultimate challenge they must overcome. This is taken even further when their proverbial "drill sergeant" is taken to task for being too hard on the bunch of whining brats, and starts to dial it back. This lack of adversity is problematic because it means that any moments of personal growth are impossible.

And yet, And yet somehow they do manage personal growth. Or at least that is what we are told as the story wraps up and the brats all start congratulating each other on how far they have come. But they haven't, at least not on screen making the whole thing a frustrating mess.

And of course there is romance, somehow. Again, the story pushes through with the expected romance, despite the princess never really changing from the awful person she started out being. Again, a terrible script that just fails in every way imaginable.

Skip this one.