Actors Insulting Actors

On Joan Crawford: “Joan Crawford — I wouldn’t sit on her toilet!” “I wouldn’t piss on Joan Crawford if she were on fire.” “Joan Crawford — Hollywood’s first case of syphilis.” “She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”

On Bette Davis: “Miss Davis was always partial to covering up her face in motion pictures. She called it ‘art.’ Others might call it camouflage — a cover-up for the absence of any real beauty.” “I don’t hate Bette Davis, even though the press wants me to. I resent her I don’t see how she built a career out of mannerisms instead of real acting ability. She’s a phony, but I guess the public likes that.”

On Marilyn Monroe: “Her body has gone to her head.”

On Marlon Brando: “Marlon has yet to learn to speak. He should have been born two generations before and acted in silent films.”

On James Dean: “Mr. Dean appears to be wearing my last year’s wardrobe and using my last year’s talent.”

On Michael Caine: “An over-fat, flatulent, 62-year-old windbag. A master of inconsequence masquerading as a guru, passing off his vast limitations as pious virtues.”

On Charlton Heston: “Charlton Heston is good at playing arrogance and ambition. But in the same way that a dwarf is good at being short.”

On Shia LaBeouf: “I think he was a fuc*ing idiot.”

On James Stewart: “There’s a statue of Jimmy Stewart in the Hollywood Wax Museum, and the statue talks better than he does.”

On Ingrid Bergman: “Dear Ingrid — speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.”

On Shelly Winters: “A bowlegged bit*h of a Brooklyn blonde.”

On Frank Sinatra: “A skinny, no-talent, stupid Hoboken bastard.”

On Mia Farrow and Frank Sinatra: “I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy.”

On Chevy Chase: “Medium talent!”

On Nick Nolte: “A disgusting human being.”

On Julia Roberts: “It’s not nice to call someone ‘disgusting’. But she’s not a nice person. Everyone knows that.”

On Gwyneth Paltrow: “[She’s] very young and lives in rarefied air that’s a little thin. It’s like she’s not getting quite enough oxygen.”

On Sharon Stone: “It’s a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what’s between her ears instead of her legs.”

On Mel Gibson: “Mel Gibson is somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun. He’s beautiful, but only on the outside.”

On Barbara Streisand: “I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.”

On Jerry Lewis: “This arrogant, sour, ceremonial, piously chauvinistic egomaniac.”

On John Travolta: “How difficult can it be to fly an airplane? I mean, John Travolta learned how.”

On Charlie Chaplin: “He’s a goddamned ballet dancer.”

On Hugh Grant: “A self-important, boring, flash-in-the-pan Brit.”

On Clark Gable: “Gable’s an idiot. You know why he’s an actor? It’s the only thing he’s smart enough to do.”