- Tom Milford: [Tom bumped into officer] I'm sorry, officer, my eyes were on that girl.
- Officer Brokaw: Well, just glue them back in your head and keep moving.
- Tom Milford: You know, Harv, I hate to see you so hacked up. I wish there was something I could do.
- Harvey Granson: Mary Leona. Get me off the alimony hook.
- Tom Milford: That good a friend I am not.
- Harvey Granson: I'll give you three of my paintings in your apartment.
- Tom Milford: How much are they worth?
- Harvey Granson: $25,000 a piece.
- Tom Milford: I have to take Leona?
- Harvey Granson: Yeah.
- Tom Milford: Forget it.
- Harvey Granson: Fairweather friend.
- Audrey: Anyone who's stupid enough to answer the door at 4:30 in the morning deserves a punch in the face.
- Harvey Granson: I didn't finish with my wife's lawyers 'till after midnight.
- Tom Milford: You mean you and Leona still can't agree on a settlement?
- Harvey Granson: Oh, yeah, she wants to split everything down the middle including my head.
- Taxi Driver: Where to?
- Tom Milford: I don't know.
- Taxi Driver: Do you wanna go home?
- Tom Milford: I am home.
- Taxi Driver: What do you want me to do ? Drive you up the steps?
- Harvey Granson: Call the police, Tom, she's after my paintings.
- Tom Milford: I'll be personally responsible for the paintings.
- Harvey Granson: Somebody just stole your apartment, your name and you're going to be responsible for my paint... Call the police!
- Tom Milford: This is the girl who took my place.
- Harvey Granson: Well, what's she doing in my place?
- Tom Milford: She won't let me in my place so I had to call your place my place.
- Harvey Granson: Get her out of here, you hear! Out! Out!
- Tom Milford: Now, Harv, I've been working on her, now she's just starting to talk.
- Harvey Granson: Now teach her how to walk and get her out of here!
- Joan Howell: [becoming suspicious of an alcoholic drink Tom has made for her] Say, what's the proportion of gin and quinine water in this drink?
- Tom Milford: Oh, I'd say about, uh... "even-Steven."
- Joan Howell: [starting to giggle] I'd say it was more "Steven" than "even."
- Tom Milford: Harvey, I feel like a heel. For two weeks now, I've been spiking her drinks, playing on her sympathies, lurking around just waiting to take advantage. Would you want somebody to do that to your sister?
- Harvey Granson: I sure would. My sister's single and pushing forty.
- Tom Milford: Could we be alone, please?
- Audrey: [in a seductive voice] Oh, sure. What did you have in mind?
- [Joan looks at Audrey, amazed]
- Tom Milford: I meant Joan.
- [last lines]
- Bartender: [after watching Joan be the cause yet again of the latest incident at the bar] You know something, Charlie. When you got her around, you don't need television.
- [first lines]
- Narrator: [voice over as the camera pans over the solar system] Our solar system is composed of nine planets, thirty-one moons, thousands of minor planets, scores of comets, and millions of meteors. Each of these heavenly bodies moves in its orbit: quietly, majestically, without incident. This is the planet Earth. Its occupants also move in a daily orbit, but unlike nature, their course is not quite so regular... so quiet... so majestic.
- [the scene shift to a number of mishaps of various kinds on Earth, culminating with Tom accidentally tripping Joan on the sidewalk]
- Joan Howell: I'd love to visit your apartment.
- Tom Milford: My apartment? Well, why mine?
- Joan Howell: The answer should be quite obvious, shouldn't it?
- Tom Milford: The fact of the matter is, mine is quite disorganized. I've been having maid trouble, too.
- Joan Howell: Well, I'll tell you what. You take me to your apartment and I'll show you what I can do with a vacuum cleaner.