Skullduggery

This movie is pure, concentrated evil.

I acquired my copy from the dusty back bins of a video store which was going out of business back in 1987. Just to put things in perspectrive, it was on Beta--I had to dub it over to VHS. As a gamer, I tend to collect movies in the "Roleplayer Goes Crazy" genre. Most of them are pretty bad...but this one has them all beat, in terms of sheer deep hurting.

Nevermind the blatant anachronisms--such as the opening scene, set in 14th century England in an 18th century manor house where a 16th century nobleman is killed by a guy in a cheesy 1980's wizard costume. Nevermind the fact that the lead actor looks for all the world like he's dead, and was animated by black magic just for this movie. Nevermind the fact that the best actor in the entire movie is a puppet who just hangs there and doesn't do anything. Even without all of those factors, the movie would just be painful.

And yet, it holds a kind of sick fascination, not unlike a car wreck---you want to look away, but you can't. This movie has spawned an unwholesome and degenerate cult (at least two of the other comments on this list are from members.) Beware--this movie is CONCENTRATED schlock of the worst kind. Do not, do not, do NOT watch this movie and Mazes and Monsters back to back. The last person who did that wound up in the hospital a few hours later with an acute gall bladder attack. I kid you not.

I don't even know where to begin. The Scooby-like music. The frumpy male lead who, apparently, was Johnny Depp before there was Johnny Depp. The stiff, wooden females. The guy making the puzzle (I mean, what the heck does that prove?) This movie makes me want to puke whenever I see it and for some reason I see it often. You have to wonder why it is that every woman in town is unaccountably attracted to Adam. The edges of this guy's mouth are turned down so far, that even when he smiles it looks like he's frowning. But what can I say? The theme song is very catchy. It sticks to you like painful, prickly brambles. Basically, the whole movie is like a bad high school play, and obviously had the budget of one. All in all, I recommend this movie to fans of truly horrible cinema. Like me.

For the record, that was a rhetorical question. I don't know, and deep down, I don't wanna know. All I know is that recently, I experienced the single most dull 90 minutes of my life. You understand, this isn't "so bad it's good" (Criminally Insane), or even "so bad it's mind-blowing" (Troll 2). I'm talking about head-ache-inducing boredom. I don't care how far into the B-movie universe you've gone. You're not ready for this. Please, for the love of God, let this one be.

I sat there and observed the entire duration of this film. Looking closely for something, anything which might resemble entertainment value. But nothing ever happened. Not a thing. I mean, stuff happened. Conversations were had, people got killed. But why? Who were they? Did they deserve it? I just don't understand. Was I not supposed to? My questions are endless. But you know something? There are a lot of bizarre films out there that people joke about the director being on acid, or something similar (Horror House On Highway 5), but really, this is probably it. If someone was heavily into such a drug, and they just happened to get the idea that making a movie would be a swell idea, then I would imagine that their first attempt at art would turn out something like... you guessed it. Skullduggery!!

Just kidding. I'm pretty sure acid isn't to blame for this travesty. With that said, Let this be a valuable lesson to any Dungeons & Dragons geeks out there, who may get any ideas. Stay out of the world of B-cinema. You don't get it, and you never will. Just continue doing what you're doing, and don't try and be cute, by attempting to educate the world about you're favorite thing. I cannot specify enough that we are not talking about something so bad it's good. Skullduggery ain't ahead of its time, nor is it too deep to grasp. it's like watching Nascar, or C-SPAN. And really, how typical is it that this movie would be released on DVD by Substance. And what, may I ask, is up with Substance, anyway? How does a company that only acquires the most unwatchable obscurities go about staying in business? Skullduggery, I was warned about you. Every review I ever read turned out to be a warning, in one form or another. It was foolish of me for wanting you to be apart of my collection of obscure Horror. And now, I'm stuck with you. I realize that I'm the one to blame for my own misfortunes. But I won't let that stop me from despising you until my dying day. Hopefully, someday, I will learn to leave well enough alone when it comes to the unwatchables, but you will always be Skullduggery, and nothing will ever change that. And believe me when I say that I will forever warn other over-confident B-movie enthusiasts of your mind-numbing worthlessness. 1/10

Oh, Skullduggery, you horrible little cow patty of a film. Your actors are stiff and couldn't read the dialogue for an Ovaltine commercial with a sense of conviction, your plot is incomprehensible and filled to the brim with pompous symbolism no one buts its filmmakers could explain, and in the end, you just plain stink. But gosh darn it if I don't feel proud to have you in my collection of films. You are, without a doubt, the crown jewel in my cornucopia of crap. I threaten my friends with you and they cringe in fear. What power! And honestly, even though you still provide tons of laughs and potential riffing, one aspect of you keeps me coming back for more: your theme song! Oh, how brilliant is your theme song? I burned it onto a CD, for crying out loud! Does that not express my loyalty to you? I have no idea who was crazy enough to write the lyrics and put it to one of the worst tunes to come out of the '80s, but if I ever meet them, I will be sure to shake their hand (or tentacle) and say, "Thank you. Thank you."

Can you read what's in my mind? SKULLDUGGERY! SKULLDUGGERY! Tearing up my mind! Heavy breath, passion in your eyes SKULLDUGGERY! SKULLDUGGERY! I just found a clue, it's all gone! YEAH! I can see what's in your head SKULLDUGGERY! SKULLDUGGERY! Feeling just ahead (??) Killer's smile, now I understand SKULLDUGGERY! SKULLDUGGERY! Shattered hopes and dreams all fall down! YEAH!

Oh, good times, good times. 4/4 stars for sheer crapdom

This was probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Imagery? Symbolism? My ass. This movie was pure crap. Its plot holes had plot holes. The intense amount of useless character who die evoke no emotion. The whole constant costume changes was impossible, as well as retarded. Ugh...I can't even keep writing this, since thinking about the movie makes me want to vomit all over my keyboard.

I would never force this movie upon even my most hated enemy. I cannot conceive how this man wrote this movie, and thought that it was good enough to be directed and produced. I cannot conceive how any self-respecting actor would read the script and actually take on one of the roles. I cannot even conceive HOW I MANAGED TO SIT THROUGH THE WHOLE DAMN THING. It was like a train-wreck in slow motion, so bad that one can't look away, even with the vile hatred of Ota Strichter or whatever his name is building up within one's self.

Seriously folks: This review has horrible grammar and structure because the sucktitude (a word I just made up because there is no word in the English language to describe such drivel) has me in a complete fluster.

Do yourself a favour, instead of watching this movie, do something a lot more entertaining than watching this horrendous piece of junk movie, such as gnawing of each of your digits one by one, or, say, slamming your head as hard as you can into a the frame of a car door and then subsequently closing the door on your head as hard as you can over and over.

If you'll excuse me though, I have to go shove a burning ember into my nose in the hopes that it will reach my brain and burn the memories of it from my mind.