The Tomb

Mid-eighties grade-Z Indiana Jones knockoff starring David O'Hara as beer swilling tomb raider John Banning who unwittingly awakens an Egyptian sorceress Nefratis (Michelle Bauer) and becomes a pawn in her resurrected plans for world conquest, or something to that effect.

When looking at the cast of actors one might get the impression that with such B-movie royalty like Sybil Danning, John Carradine, and the always entertaining Cameron Mitchell that this movie might not be as bad as it sounds. You would be very wrong on that assumption. While all aforementioned actors try their best to elevate the "talent" level on screen they are collectively in the film for only about ten minutes with Mitchell making up the bulk of that time. Instead you get to watch the "don't quit your day job waiting at Spago's" performance buy the woefully inept Richard Hench who becomes the central character in the film about halfway in to it. The scenes with Hench and his professor sidekick are the visual equivalent of banging your skull off of a concrete wall. David O'Hara's character John Banning is so unlikeable that it's confusing as to why he wasn't rewritten better as the film clearly wants him to be the hero. Michelle Bauer's nudity free Nefratis sleepwalks throughout the movie. If anyone can tell me what the hell actually killed her at the end I would greatly appreciate it as I rewound it many times and failed to see what exactly happened. My word of advice for wary B-movie fans is if it says Olen Ray stay away!

Tomb, The (1986)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

If you remember the good old days when non-stop trash was shown on stations like Cinemax then you might have came across a film like this. The story is pretty simple as a con man is able to steal some jewels from a tomb in Egypt but the dead princess Nefratis (Michelle Bauer) comes back for revenge. She travels to America where she tracks down and kills all the men who bought these items. This film starts off with an incredibly silly action piece, which I'm guessing was meant to be some sort of Indiana Jones homage but then we move into more horror elements. As is to be expected, this film certainly isn't going to be mistaken for the work of Orson Welles but if you're lining yourself up for a film like this then I'm sure you know that already. Those wanting some cheap thrills will find some here but not nearly enough to make this film worth sitting through. At only 83-minutes things move way too slowly and sadly the energy runs out before the opening credits are over. I think fans of the horror genre might want to tune in just to see Cameron Mitchell and John Carradine but neither man can add too much to the film. I'm a die-hard Carradine fan and will attempt to see everything he's in but his work with Ray is cheaper than some of those films he did in Mexico back in the 60s. Mitchell chews up the scenery as only he can. Sybil Danning appears as well and fans of Bauer will be happy to know she has some nudity. There's not as much nudity in the film as one might expect but there are a couple gory death scenes. Most of the effects are cheap but mildly effective. THE TOMB is incredibly light-weight entertainment that isn't going to win any awards but I'm sure fans of "Z" movies might find it interesting. I enjoy low-budget movies but this one here just didn't have enough going for it.

I remember reading a write up on this film, the standard fare put out by the promotions people. It sounded exciting, horrific, all the things I enjoy about a good mummy movie. Then I got the box home and knew I was in trouble. The cheesy art of the box cover was the first clue. It could just have easily been the cover for "Big Trouble in Little China" which was a much better film, but this was no comedy, at least not intentionally. To begin with the budget on this must have been all of a $1.85 with tax. Then there are the sets. The film was supposed to take place in Egypt, but the sets bore no resemblance whatever. Cameron Mitchell is no actor, no way, never been. I was especially disappointed to see aging horror star John Carradine and Sybil Danning in this as they are both usually in much better quality work. You can safely give this one a miss, unless you are a fan of "Plan 9 From Out Space." This is right down there with it.

This is an Indiana Jones-type film that was made on the cheap (VERY cheap). It features hot young guys running about sets that looked LESS convincing than the props in a spook house! It also features an airplane that explodes with one shot from a pistol, a band in pharaoh head gear and others dressed like mummies or wearing a fez singing "Tutti Frutti" (presumably in the Middle East), BAD dialog and acting and one embarrassing moment after another. When the film began, I knew it was crap--simply because of the cheapo soundtrack. It's all synthesizers and sounds pretty much like what other cheap 80s films sounded like (such as "Warlords of the 21st Century"). And, it features John Carradine--a guy who would have starred in ANYTHING (including tampon commercials) if they paid him in cash! It also features Cameron Mitchell--a once decent actor who, by 1986, was seriously looking for work. As for the rest, they're mostly unknown actors (aside from Sybil Danning, who made a career out of appearing in low-budget films)....and I can see why. Overall, it's the sort of picture that would have gone straight to videotape or been seen on the USA Network back in the late 80s. If you like crap, then give this one a try. As for me, I couldn't even finish this one...it was that lame.

This is not the worst film ever made. I can't think of what that one is at the moment. I'll have to wait for my eyes to stop bleeding.

Actually, there are two mildly redeeming factors. John Carradine, whose two minutes on screen probably comprised half the movie's budget, and Kitten Natividad dancing topless for about thirty seconds total. Yeah, that's it.

Another line. Another line. Another line. Another line. Is that enough for that ridiculously arbitrary ten line rule? Apparently not. Let's keep adding pointless text until this so-called comment meets the minimum requirement for mindless bureaucratic self-aggrandizement. Some suit trying to qualify his or her paycheck came up with this rule, undoubtedly.