The Horneymooners

I dreaded watching Joe Sarno's THE HORNEYMOONERS based on the poor quality of his many other silly videos cranked out in the late '80s, but even so I didn't expect crud of this low caliber. Only good news for die-hard fans is that the sequel is unavailable (please keep it that way, o ye latter-day video companies!).

Dreary is too positive a word to describe the unfunny satire of the TV classic. Sarno gives us just two claustrophobic sets: a brown & beige replica of the Kramden kitchen (its color scheme reminded me of the sallow Ted Turner colorization crap of the '80s), plus the same mangy bedroom set I'd just gotten tired of watching in another Sarno clunker SEXPIONAGE. Shanna McCullough wanders down the street a couple of times beside the El train tracks in Brooklyn for pointless transitions, but that's it.

Ron Jeremy trots out a lame impersonation, which is fortunately minimized here, as Alf Ramden, shouting all his scripted dialog. During the sex scenes the gimmick is that he keeps his bus driver's hat on -not funny, and improvises gibberish.

As Fred Horton, Randy Paul gives an embarrassing impression of Art Carney - I wanted to turn off the video when he launched into his lousy shtick, but somehow managed to persevere to the bitter end. Their wives just deliver lines and hump, with Stephanie Rage as Alice Ramden miscast -she has Kewpie doll looks that don't fit the role, while Shanna is attractive as always playing Prixie Horton.

Instead of a plot, the hook here is new neighbor Luis Gilbert, a Latin Lothario poorly played by Carlos Valentino. His ability to seduce the femmes is instant, given that this is slapdash Sarno "let's get to the bedroom" porn. His uncredited script is hamstrung by the "only one set with bed" cheapo format, making for some terrible transitions.

For example, Alf and Prixie arrive at Alf's apartment, separately but one right after the other, to hear the loud Sarno-esque moans and groans of sexual delight from Alice & Fred in the bedroom. They have no place to go, so they say they're heading for the park "to neck". After Fred ejaculates and leaves with Alice, three seconds later the door opens with Alf & Prixie returning, to grab the bed for their own lovemaking -it's the only bed in town! Resulting bad jokes about the "cum stains" on the bed are par for the course in this horrible porn exercise.

To slightly vary the tedious 5-character format, Alexis Firestone shows up out of nowhere as an angry girl friend of Gilbert's, who humps Alf for revenge. Later on, Annie Sprinkle guest stars as yet another jealous girlfriend of Gilbert's, but she immediately takes a liking to Alice, cueing a sad depiction of Sarno-fetish lesbian sex, wherein the two actresses use a massive massage/vibrator machine and a dildo to service each other, Annie looking sadly over-the-hill in white corset and garter belt. The fetish of colored stockings/garter belt/high heels is adhered to in all the sex scenes.

Video ends with our fab foursome vowing to go on vacation together, to stay in the same cabin (ouch!, it's Part 2 in the works). They head for the bedroom, with Ron doing a Gleason "how sweet it is" gesture.

Editing is extremely poor, with several shots repeated and out of sequence during the mechanical sex scenes. A new gaffe, not present in other Sarno videos of the period, is the distracting presence of a load of goo (looks like Noxema) in the in & out closeups as our cast humps. It's apparently some form of birth control/germicide (??), way above my pay grade to identify, but appears and disappears through the magic of bad editing to ruin the already lousy sex footage.