Near Death

I can't remember the last time I hated a movie 50 seconds in. This appears to be footage that was shot for a backdrop to a video game which must have never been developed so the owner's decided to release it as a film. I don't know if comparing it to a student film disses the film enough. It's pacing is softcore porn without the interesting dialogue...or porn. The only thing diabolical about this film is that it was ever swept up off the video editing suite's hard drive to see the light of day. Horrible...and not in a good way.

This movie has one of the coolest stories I've seen in a long time. Three students researching supernatural activity come upon a mansion inhabited by ghosts from the 1950's. There is the spirit of an old film director: Willie Von Brahm, his star: Vena (a prettier version of Gloria Swanson from sunset boulevard), his leading man: Harlan, Doctor Blanchard etc. The whole cast is colorful and entertaining. I especially liked the scenes at the pawnshop and at the beach. Probably the best thing about this movie is the sets. The rooms in the mansion are really cool, you can see this is where most of the budget went. the camera work is so/so, the actors have good scenes. Also interesting is the subplot involving Markie selling dead bodies to the ghosts for money.

And I have no friends because I watch crappy movies like this. Come on people, this movie is awesome! The opening scene is classic. Sure, the special effects in this movie are bad, but the gore is still pretty damn good. Lots of blood, gut-eating, although the plot is very weak and the acting is pretty bad. This is a huge HUGE improvement over Terror Toons (2002). Even though I liked Terror Toons, that is an awful, awful film. This one is slightly better. The acting is a little better, and the gore is a lot better. This is pretty watchable. I also got this for free, and it is worth free. If you like low budget movies with decent gore, bad acting, bad CGI effects, dumb plots, and one hottie who never gets naked, you will probably find Near Death a stunning and fun experience. Check it out, only 3 bucks in many stores.

Three parapsychologists investigate an apparently haunted mansion, once the home of an infamous film director. It is now inhabited by flesh eating undead ghouls. Released in the UK by Film2000, a label notorious for very bad movies, the DVD cover laughably describes this as a "classic horror film", boasting "state of the art special effects", Really??? Could not be further from the truth. Some, well most, of the acting is really bad, in particular Perrine Moore, who unfortunately plays a dual role. The effects, especially the CGI, are poor. As is the sound at times. There are plenty of potholes. I have rather generously rated this 3/10, and that is purely down to the fact that there is quite a lot of gore on show. The only thing worth the pain of sitting through this horrible excuse of a movie.

Near Death (2003) is just a mess. The storyline (if you want to call it that) is boring and confusing. The acting is inept and the lighting and direction is terrible. Such a shame because the gore effects were surprisingly good for a "movie" like this. Like I said in the past, Gory set pieces do not make a picture. Shot on digital video and acted in "lame-o-vision". The performances varied from stiff to hammy. One actor in general shouted his lines.

Three so called "ghost hunters" enter a gaudy house populated by people who look as if they've been eating too much Black Jack Chewing Gum and a chronic case of halitosis. The protagonists are spineless and the monsters aren't even cool and the cast isn't even semi-attractive (the lead actress has an E.T. neck) and the dude (lead actor) looks like a cruiser. I don't know how they got the villain wrong. I mean he dresses kind of cool but his acting is simply dreadful.

Too many computer and digital effects destroy the movie. The editing needs a whole lot of work and the director needs to hire a person to work on the continuity. Even if this film was in the competent hands of a good director I don't think the results would have been any different. When you work with crap you'll wind up with crap, if you're good it'll be a shiny piece of crap.

I wouldn't recommend this film to many worst enemy. It's not worth the aggravation or testing one's patience by having to sit through this ordeal. Try and either find another movie or a different hobby.

Time is too short for things like this because this movie is NEAR DEATH!!