#float

Directed by the Head of Business Affairs for quickly tanking studio Blumhouse, Float is just more proof that Hollywood producers are almost universally creatively bankrupt.

Float is a semi-found footage horror film about a group of millennials going on a tubing trip in memory of their friend who died on the river last year (why was he tubing by himself?). Utilizing about every cliché in the genre, someone or something begins to kill them off. (Don't worry, it will never explain what)

The acting is atrocious. The script seems like it was written on a napkin. The attempts to be relevant come as subtle as a hammer to the head. "People thought covid was fake too until it killed them!" "Rosé all day!" as well as a monologue to the dead guys urn they brought along how she "knows he was a good guy and wouldn't be hurting them" all will leave the viewer shocked the director isn't fresh out of high school.

Further proof was the music. There were several points they used the actual stock stinger effects that every YouTube video editor gets for free! I had to look up the composer, he did 2 things back in 2015 and nothing since. Considering a lot of the music is a guitar strumming or some synth pads I can't imagine why.

After a very tiny theatrical run, Float was dumped quietly on Tubi.

I find little to recommend here. There's about 3 kills with some standard gore. No nudity but the cast is in bikinis and swim trunks almost the whole time if that's your thing. Everything else is done so pedestrian that it's unforgivable for someone supposedly with experience.

Oh, and guess what? We get a music video during the end credits! How #kewl.

OK. So every single person in this illogical mess of a movie is totally despicable. The foremost reason that I stopped watching this halfway is because: 1. Not enough of them were killed soon enough.

2. I feared one of them might survive and I can't live with that.

Other than that we have the minor issues of bad pacing, lacklustre cinematography, subpar acting and the overall lack of suspense.

I'm not a big fan of putting films down. But as a fan of horror movies since the early 80's (and yes I've seen all the crappy ones, believe me) sometimes Ieven I need to vent.

I don't know the backstory to, or the reasons why this film was made in the first place, but... well... Wrong decision.

Right, well I have to admit that the fact that this 2022 horror movie had a hashtag in the title was a clear and present sign of something was wrong here. But still, as I hadn't seen the movie nor even ever heard about it, and it being a horror movie, of course I opted to watch it.

Sure, I wasn't harboring any expectations to the movie, so writer and director Zac Locke had every opportunity to entertain and bedazzle me.

Except he failed to do so.

"#Float" had a very generic storyline, if you could get past the annoying social media influencer aspect, which is a laughable concept to begin with. And the fact that there was nothing scary or interesting happening throughout the 76 minutes that the movie ran for, also just helped cement this as a waste of time movie.

I wasn't familiar with the cast ensemble in the movie, but there were actually some fair enough talents on the cast list, I will say that much, despite of them having virtually nothing to work with in terms of a properly interesting script or memorable characters.

As for "#Float" being a horror movie, well, that might be stretching the term a bit.

If you enjoy horror movies, do yourself a favor and stay well clear of this one. It just simply isn't worth the effort, nor the time or money.

My rating of "#Float" lands on a two out of ten stars.

I've watched four horror films in the last week or so. Skinnamarink, The Outwaters, The Black Phone (again), and this. It is not fair to Compare all of those to each other for many reasons, one being budget. While not the lowest budget here, #floaters sure feels like it is. Amateurish screenplay, directed adequately but not able to coax out a single good performance. While I would certainly watch this again before Skinnamarink, I hope to watch neither. Now that We've killed enough characters, here's the review: cheap, bad, forgettable. Sadly six hundred characters are necessary to say that. Wow.

Being a horror movie following the tropes of this genre there's an understandable formula of hating some characters and liking some others.

But this movie breaks this formula by making you hate everyone, literally, no one has and redeeming features.

The enjoyment is gained from everyone getting some sort of comeuppance.

No one seems to really care for anyone else.

.. Kid goes missing, no one really cares, except for the god awful 'parents' ... friend disappeared under water accompanied with a pool of blood, oh well, let's keep floating and chatting and drinking.

The pacing is weird, audio awful almost like it's all done in ADR, acting is passable but made worse with the awful dialogue.

Whilst the production quality is reasonable, don't let this deceive you in to thinking it's an average film, it's just not.

One this is for sure, everyone of them are certainly 'floaters' 🌊 💩