Kyonyû doragon: Onsen zonbi vs sutorippâ 5

Five exotic dancers—busty slut Lena Jodo (AV star Sora Aoi), sexy redhead lolita goth Maria (Mari Sakurai), ex-jailbird Ginko (Risa Kasumi), immigrant Darna (Io Aikawa) and older stripper Nene (Tamayo)—discover a secret passageway that leads to a hidden room containing a library of rare occult books. When Maria reads a passage from The Book of the Dead, she unleashes a horde of zombies from The Well of Spirits, a portal to Hell.

There's a very memorable scene in Big Tits Zombie where stripper--turned-zombie Nene adopts the crab position and shoots flames out of her pulsating toothy snatch; the whole strippers versus zombies might have been done before in western efforts like Zombie Strippers and Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!, but they never showed us anything quite as demented as that!!!

Japan is, of course, renowned amongst fans of seriously insane horror for going places no-one else even thinks of, and Big Tits Zombie is no exception: it's a totally bonkers, low budget trash-fest dedicated to blood and big breasts. The acting is undeniably crap, the special effects atrocious (loads of CGI blood), and the story just plain daft, but when you're in the mood for an hour and a half of sheer mindless fun, this kind of nonsense can't be beat.

As well as the aforementioned fiery cooch, viewers also get to enjoy a zombie woman with a detachable head and tentacles extending from her stomach (supporting strings clearly visible), numerous badly made-up zombies (including zombie ninjas, a zombie geisha, table-tennis zombies, and a zombie schoolgirl), assorted chainsaw and samurai sword dismemberment, and a female sumo contest, watched over by an elderly dwarf and his lackeys, which sees the loser becoming a naked sushi bar (mind the grated wasabi—yeowch!).

Oh, and there's tits, of course—lots of lovely big tits!

Well didn't get what I expected from this almost literally shoe string of a budget flick. If you want to see some over the top violence with female nudity and zombies you might be disappointed a bit. I am not sure if the only version for the flick is the dubbed English version. This movie is one of those movies that is so bad it's bad. It just has random sketches one after another. But the dubbed English in this is actually quite amusing and just wouldn't stop making fun of itself. The dubbed dialogue is constant bashing on this flick but it works for the amusement. The people's mouth don't move at all most of the time but they keep talking. I am not sure if they did that for the humor but this has got to be the worst English dubbed movie. It's like they aren't even trying but the way they interact is still amusing. If you want to see girls with weapons killing zombies. You will probably better off playing "Onichambara" or "Lollipop Chainsaw". Watching this movie is like watching Japanese porn stars got access to a cheap prop and costume shop and very amateur CGI people got involved as well.

4/10

Perhaps the weirdest thing about the new Japanese movie Kyonyu Dragon AKA Big Tits Zombie is the absence of weirdness, at least when compared to the lunacy of (what I thought might be) its cinematic peers Vampire Girl Vs Frankenstein Girl and Tokyo Gore Police.

In fact if you were to ignore the English title and simply watch the film it is merely a wink-wink T & A tease with some amusing gore, over the top setpieces and yes a few WTF moments. Which I guess shows the genius behind the title in the first place, after all if this film was known solely as Kyonyu Dragon there would be a 1% chance of me actually tracking it down. Calling the film Big Tits Zombie meant that this film had been on my "to see" list for 6 months already.

Not that I was watching for much more than curiosity value mind you, I knew this was unlikely to be a classic and realize if you are seeking "more" (read porn) from a film that this was never likely to deliver – to back that statement up American Pie was more explicit than this film – but again with this title such a film simply must be seen at least once.

The plot is once again strangely linear for a Japanese splatter film – it actually makes sense! In saying that it is hardly the most intricate or original piece of work. Five strippers *cough* entertainers work for a seedy guy in a seedy building performing for seedy clients, though not many customers it must be said.

This means they have a lot of downtime to sit around and talk in their underpants and bras, pausing only occasionally to get on their hands and knees in front of the camera or to have a playful fight which results in the temporary removal of aforementioned bras.

The camera practically drools over the girls but it must be said that they never really do anything overtly provocative or erotic, their dancing is more clumsy and playful, and they never play up too much for the camera.

They are told by the boss that due to a lack of clientele they are out of a job, unless they decide to head down the street to work as more personal entertainers for a "Private Spa". After a brief discussion where the girls clearly state that they are not hookers they go there anyway and become companions for a – I have to say it – freaky looking dwarf gangster boss and his men.

So far nothing particularly zany or wacky has happened, but then the girls discover a door that leads through tunnels to the abandoned building across the road, a building that is supposedly haunted. It is here that the girls find cash, valuables… and the Book of the Dead.

So that's where I left it! Of course one of the girls reads a passage that awakens the dead, the girls are called on stage to perform and they are amazed to see that they will play to a packed house – of zombies.

BTZ is a merciful 73 minutes, when you don't have much to do or say after the title is known that's a good idea.

The makeup effects of the zombies is deliberately (well it must be) amateurish, the acting, dancing and action scenes all very much tongue in cheek and the CGI blood spurts and sparks that go along with the sword and chainsaw fights that ensue are cheap but perform the limited role that they are given.

Aside from the title the smartest thing that the film-makers do is costume the girls in tiny shorts and bras and have them wiggle about a bit – that and allowing the tall hot one and the short cute one to survive to the end of the film.

Not sure if there is anything left to report when reviewing a film called Big Tits Zombie, I'll leave by saying that it everything that you expect a film with that title to be – but also less than you might expect a film wit that title to be.

At an hour and change though it is an amusing little curio that reaches the meager goals it sets itself.

Final Rating – 6 / 10. An amusing little film behind a clever marketing ploy based solely upon the title. I understand a few of the leads are porn stars, if you watch the trailer and then google a couple of the cast you will probably get the same result in about an hour less…

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Tired of their line of work, a group of dancers passing the time with a strange occult book in their club end up finding themselves in the middle of a zombie outbreak through a curse inscribed within and must battle the unleashed creatures in order to get away alive.

This one ended up being one of the more enjoyable zombie cheesefests. Most of the film's charm lies in the fact that this one is so unashamedly intent on opting for the cheesy side of the sleaze- riddled storyline it wants to exploit. The entire film is quite apparent in it's overall look and feel, going for the vibrant chaotic look that's readily apparent from the whole environment of the stripclub where they work to the way they behave waiting for their shifts to start yet the main fun of this one is the ease with which it goes for exploitation in the storyline. Never resisting a chance to showcase their physical attributes by shoving the camera into any of their figures, forcing them into skimpy costumes for their risqué dance routines to be ogled over or to have them constantly engage in topless wrestling matches filled with comical sound effects upon the appearance of nudity really gives this a quite cheesy and sleazy feel. This is ably carried over quite nicely once this one works its way into the more frantic and enjoyable second half where they accidentally unleash the zombies, which range from the rather striking and even chilling ritual space down in the secret room where the different relics and body parts are found that includes the fun of the resurrected zombies appearing and slowly ripping their victim to pieces, the chaotic sequence involving the flying sushi pieces coming at them or their interrupted performance where they realize the patrons are really the resurrected zombies are forced to flee the stage deeper into the club to escape the ravenous hordes approaching them. This is filled with all sorts of rather fun and chilling scenes involving the overrun city and their attempts to get outside to safety that provides a ton of rather fun barricades and brawls as they make their way out, and when they manage to escape there's even more fun here as they start dismembering the bodies left behind as well as battling the mutant beast their friend turns into. With this providing the lead-in for the survivors to head into town and clean up after the zombies left behind, the action is so much more impressive and brutal in this section with the various battles and confrontations leading to a slew of fighting and bodily dismemberment that gives this some cheesy fun to be had at the end. Coupled with outrageous gore-gags, tons of splatter and a wild sense of humor about itself with their treatment of the zombies and towards each other, there's a lot of extremely enjoyable parts here which makes for a wholly frenetic and crazy effort. There's not a whole lot here that doesn't work, which starts from the 3D work here which is so low and barely there it's almost not worth it to be included to begin with as only a few things are thrown into the camera for the process to work. Otherwise, there's not a whole lot else wrong here.

Rated Unrated/R: Extreme Graphic Violence, Graphic Language and Nudity.

The teat hits the fan not long after a triumphantly titillating, top-popping trio of titanically-titted, splendidly spunky strippers fatefully discover that languishing malevolently beneath their insalubrious club lurks the hitherto undiscovered portal to the diabolical realm of the ravening undead!!!?? Their rapacious feline curiosity leads our prodigiously perky Pinku protagonists inexorably towards the hyperbolically bloody climax, wherein these heroic, perfectly petite, courageously chainsaw-chastising, pulchritudinous posse of zombie-zapping heroines must endure a grisly Battle Royale against this hellish, hedonistic horde of flesh-fueled, hell-spawned, ferociously female-feasting fiends with respectably riotous results! A joyfully absurd, luridly cartoonish, and deliciously slap-sticky splatter-fest, Takaro Nakano's bawdy, juicily be-jugged, haemoglobin-hyped J-horror hysteria, 'Big Tits Zombie' leaves very tittle to the imagination!!!