Please Don't Feed the Children

I am known for my very long reviews. This won't be one of them. Ms. Spielberg, what on earth were you thinking? I don't even know what to say. The synopsis sounded derivative but interesting. The trailer made me curious- but then, this movie?

The plot barely matters because there almost is none. There is exposition in the first 5 minutes including the films title. It serves no purpose- it becomes an afterthought- gives you a hint of a possible story that never materializes. It then gives you unlikeable characters you have no reason to care about, and after seeing cliche after cliche of typical thriller tropes well- the question becomes- why didn't i turn it off?

I didn't because it was Steven Spielberg's daughter's first film and i was hoping it would eventually become more interesting. What's shocking is it actually got worse -- and there was no great metaphor that people "needed to understand" or "didn't get". This is not a deep film. It could have been adults who ended up at the house for the purpose we later discover. There was no twist at the end, only a boring obvious common sense reveal. Oh by the way lady- where is your husband again?

The reason given in the first 5 minutes was not based on jealousy/fear but an excuse for a scapegoat. Kids don't outlive the adults. The adults have lived years longer already- and nobody was scared of anyone in this film unless they had a gun pointed at their face. In fact, those 5 minutes of exposition seemed like a setup for another movie entirely. Those looking for meaning or metaphors when there was none are just foolish. This film failed on every level.

Please- for your next film, pick up a decent script and a story that's interesting and that justifies becoming a full length movie. Thank you.

1. Stupid plot - Check 2. Bad acting - Check 3. Terrible writing - Check 4. Dumb characters - Check

I watched this flaming pile of dung until the end just to see how bad it could get - it didn't disappoint. Each minute was worst than the preceding minute. It was that bad. How anybody convinced a "studio" to finance this disaster is beyond me.

1. The plot is a mishmash of various horror films rolled into one - just done much worse than any of the originals.

2. The acting is worse than a Hallmark family movie. I'm surprised that the editors let any of this mess out of the cutting room.

3. Not much to say about the writing - banal, brainless, regurgitated crapola.

4. The decisions made by the characters made no sense given the setting in which they were supposed to be living. The thought "Why didn't he/she just do X?" passed though my head at least once in every scene.

Nepo nonsense hit new lows with this one. Destry Allen Speilberg delivered a deeply embarrassing, borderline unwatchable cringe fest that didn't offer up a single legit scare.

Some of the cast has talent (actress from Downtown Abbey and Gus from Breaking Bad) and some maybe do but it didn't shine through this garbage. And a Spielberg making a movie with a title encouraging people to not feed children with what's going on in the world right now? Does Destry have absolutely no antenna?

They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Destry is a chip off the old block when it comes to making bad movies, just like dad.

This movie sounds good on paper but none of it makes it off the page.

The movie starts off with a voice over, not a good sign but not itself a dealer break. But it quickly becomes clear there will be no attempt to establish the world visually. Those couple of sentences are the beginning and end of the world building.

From there the script is a series of cringy lines. The choices of the characters is nonsense. Some of which might work if the majority of the actors were actually children instead of young adults.

Rather than explore the concept we get another tired execution of a nutty woman who kidnaps wayward children. There is no depth even here. No exploration of how else she find victims. No acknowledgment of her british accent and speech style. The audio attempts to tell convince us these scenes are foreboding but it never aligns with what we see on screen.

There is a dissonance here but not the kind that builds upon itself.

There is nothing here but hints of something that could have been. Very subtle hints.

When I read the synopsis, I thought Okay, this sounds cool and dystopian. I was excited to see the debut directing by Destry Allyn Spielberg. The beginning of a new generation of directing, and I was not upset about the nepotism. My first red flag was when they announced it would be released on Tubi. Then the reviews started coming in, and I ignored them because I thought people were just hating on the nepotism. Yet I found out no, this movie is truly absolutely awful. What a mess. Michelle Dockery's talent was wasted in this mess of a movie that could not figure itself out. The plot holes are just completely unignorable. At no point in the 1 hour and 32 minutes of run time did any character make a realistic decision. The world-building was dismal, and when the "reveal" finally happened, I just did not care anymore. It was so bad that I have no notes on the directing choices because I was so bored and annoyed. Please just skip.