- Nikita Khrushchev: I really need your help.
- Georgy Zhukov: To do what? There's bodies fucking piling up in the street, it's a bit late, isn't it?
- Nikita Khrushchev: What if we blame this on someone...
- Georgy Zhukov: Wait...
- Nikita Khrushchev: Who's out of control?
- Georgy Zhukov: Nicky, be very careful what you say next. Who?
- Nikita Khrushchev: Beria.
- Georgy Zhukov: I'm going to have to report this conversation. Threatening to do harm or obstruct any member of the Presidium in the process of...
- [grins]
- Georgy Zhukov: Look at your fucking face!
- [bursts out laughing]
- Vasily Stalin: I want to make a speech at my father's funeral.
- Nikita Khrushchev: [sarcastically] And I want to fuck Grace Kelly.
- Vasily Stalin: I simply don't care.
- Svetlana Stalin: Can you please just be cordial?
- Vasily Stalin: I know the drill. Smile, shake hands and try not to call them cunts.
- Svetlana Stalin: Perfect. That's perfect.
- Maria Veniaminovna Yudina: But I'm confident of everlasting life.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Who the fuck in their right mind would want everlasting life? The endless conversation.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Be serious. Are you in?
- Georgy Zhukov: I'm in, I'm in. That fucker thinks he can take on the Red Army? I fucked Germany, I think I can take a flesh lump in a fucking waistcoat.
- Gulag Prisoner: Long Live Stalin!
- Soldier: Stalin's dead! Malenkov's in charge!
- Gulag Prisoner: Long live Malenk...
- [gets shot in the head]
- Georgy Zhukov: Tell me something. Why has the army been replaced by the NKVD all over Moscow? I mean, I'm smiling, but I am very fucking furious.
- Nikita Khrushchev: If he recovers, then we got a good doctor. If he doesn't recover, then we didn't. But, he won't know.
- Nicolai Bulganin: It's the painting. He's pointing at the painting.
- Georgy Malenkov: Hold on. You know what he's saying? He is saying, "I am the lamb."
- Kaganovich: Huh?
- Georgy Malenkov: "I am the lamb and you, you, my children, have given me life."
- Matryona: Yes!
- Anastas Mikoyan: Or, the lamb is the people and the milk is socialism.
- Georgy Malenkov: Maybe he's the milk.
- Anastas Mikoyan: Maybe you're the tit.
- Vasily Stalin: How old are you?
- Young Doctor: I'm... old.
- Vasily Stalin: You're not old!
- Vasily Stalin: [to the tall doctor] You're not even a person! You're a testicle! You're made mostly of hair!
- Maria Veniaminovna Yudina: [v.o] Josef Vissarionovich Stalin, you have betrayed our nation and destroyed its people. I pray for your end and ask the Lord to forgive you. Tyrant.
- [Stalin, reading the note, bursts out laughing, then feels his stroke coming on]
- Joseph Stalin: Fuck... fuck!
- Georgy Malenkov: Nod as I'm speaking to you. People are looking to me for reassurance and I have no idea what's going on.
- Georgy Zhukov: Jesus Christ, did Coco Chanel take a shit on your head?
- Georgy Malenkov: No, he did not.
- Vasily Stalin: I want to make a speech at my father's funeral
- Lavrenti Beria: Comrade Malenkov, your view?
- Georgy Malenkov: Well, I think, um... it can be... no problem.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Technically yes, but practically...
- Lavrenti Beria: There are programmatic complications...
- Georgy Malenkov: I think I misspoke when I said "No problem." What I meant was, "No, problem."
- [Everyone in the room looks confused]
- Georgy Malenkov: Ignore me.
- Joseph Stalin: [receiving the record from the soldier who brought it to him] What took you so long? You fucking walk here?
- Lavrenti Beria: [hands an execution warrant to an NKVD officer] Shoot her before him, but make sure he sees it.
- [hands a second warrant to another officer]
- Lavrenti Beria: Oh, and this one, kill him, take him to his church and dump him in the pulpit.
- [hands the remaining warrants to a third officer]
- Lavrenti Beria: The rest I leave up to you.
- Vyacheslav Molotov: I've always been loyal to Stalin, always. This arrests were authorized by Stalin but Stalin was also loyal to the collective leadership and that is true loyalty. However, he also had an iron will, undeviating, strong, could we not do the same and stick to what we believed in? No. It is stronger still to forge our own beliefs within the beliefs of the collective leadership, which I have now... done.
- Svetlana Stalin: Why did you let him do that?
- Nikita Khrushchev: Yes. I should have intercepted his fist with my face.
- Georgy Zhukov: Now, it's got to be tomorrow.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Tomorrow?
- Georgy Zhukov: Sorry, you busy washing your hair or what?
- Nikita Khrushchev: Tomorrow's the funeral.
- Georgy Zhukov: Yeah, the day that the entire fucking Army's in town with their guns.
- Nikita Khrushchev: That's perfect!
- Georgy Zhukov: [opens his overcoat to reveal two AK-47s strapped to his hips] All right, boys, meet your dates for tonight.
- Brezhnev: [points to one of the rifles] I'll take the tall blonde.
- Vasily Stalin: I will not be silent...!
- Lavrenti Beria: [looks him in the eye and whispers] I know about the hockey team.
- Nikita Khrushchev: What was the name of the - that woman who gave evidence against the doctors?
- Georgy Malenkov: Timashuk.
- Lavrenti Beria: Yes. She's got everything we require for the situation. The location of all the remaining doctors in the Moscow area, a proven desire to survive and a talent for fellatio.
- Anastas Mikoyan: Yeah, right, she gets my vote.
- Nicolai Bulganin: Good. Let her find us some doctors.
- Anastas Mikoyan: Yeah, and if it goes badly, we pin it all on Lady Suck Suck.
- Kaganovich: Then we shoot her.
- Georgy Malenkov: You see? We're better as a committee.
- Svetlana Stalin: [about Vasily's beating] Who did this?
- Georgy Zhukov: I did, and I enjoyed it. Been a long time coming.
- Svetlana Stalin: [points to Khruschev and the others] If any of you should... do anything...
- Georgy Zhukov: That's me told. I'm off to represent the entire Red Army at the buffet. You girls enjoy yourselves.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Which doctor have you called?
- Georgy Malenkov: Oh, well...
- Lavrenti Beria: The subject's currently under discussion.
- Georgy Malenkov: As acting General Secretary, I think that, well, the Committee should decide.
- Nikita Khrushchev: The Committee? But our *actual* General Secretary is lying in a puddle of indignity! I think he's saying, "get me a doctor now!"
- Georgy Malenkov: No, I-I don't agree. I think we should wait until we're quorate.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Quorate? The room is only 75% *conscious*!
- Lavrenti Beria: It's lucky we both now live in the new Soviet Union or you and your wife and your family would be a pile of dust on the floor of a crematorium toilet.
- Vasily Stalin: Foreigners, a vile crime has been perpetrated! Hairy monsters in coats have scooped out my father's brain and sent it to America! And these traitors, sucking the cocks and balls - sucking the cocks and balls - of Zionist - New York - New York Zionist queers in petticoats. Look at them. You see? Those brain thieves!
- [last lines]
- Nikita Khrushchev: I'm worried about Malenkov, though. Can we trust him?
- Kaganovich: Can you ever trust a weak man?
- Soldier: We found her! She's grown a bit since the photograph...
- Georgy Malenkov: She's the size of an ostrich. No.
- Nikita Khrushchev: He's using you, Georgy! He's using you, and then he's going to kill you! You saw those papers.
- Georgy Malenkov: What are you talking about? Jesus, Nicky, he was pointing at you, he wasn't pointing at me.
- Nikita Khrushchev: No, no, he said...
- [twirls his finger]
- Nikita Khrushchev: "all of you."
- Georgy Malenkov: No, no, I was over there, and he went...
- [twirls his finger]
- Georgy Malenkov: "all of *you*".
- Nikita Khrushchev: Yeah!
- [twirls his finger]
- Nikita Khrushchev: "*All* of you."
- Georgy Malenkov: No, no.
- [twirls his finger]
- Georgy Malenkov: "All of *you*."
- Lazar Kaganovich: No, he said...
- [twirls his finger]
- Lazar Kaganovich: "*all* of you."
- Georgy Malenkov: [twirls his finger] You know, all of you...
- [bends over and points]
- Georgy Malenkov: Can kiss my Russian ass! All of you!
- Nikita Khrushchev: You are accused of using your position as Minister of the Interior to plot against the Soviet Union...
- Zhukov's Chief of Staff: Traitor!
- Nikita Khrushchev: with the goal of forwarding the interests of foreign powers...
- Lavrenti Beria: Foreign powers? From where, the fucking moon?
- Nikita Khrushchev: You are also accused of three hundred and forty-seven counts of rape, of sexual deviancy and bourgeois immorality, and acts of perversion with children as young as seven years old!
- Lavrenti Beria: Are you wearing a corset?
- Georgy Malenkov: It's a girdle. And I have a bad back. It's functional. It's not cosmetic.
- Lavrenti Beria: You wear it well.
- [Zhukov punches Beria]
- Georgy Zhukov: Want a job done properly, you call the army. Take his belt off. It's hard to run away with your pants falling down.
- Nikita Khrushchev: [to Malenkov] If you want to talk to General Zhukov, now's your opportunity.
- Georgy Zhukov: Spit it out, Georgy. Staging a coup here.
- Georgy Malenkov: ...He's got a knife by his ankle.
- Lavrenti Beria: You're a disgrace!
- Lazar Kaganovich: Give his head a good kicking. Make you feel better.
- Vyacheslav Molotov: All in good time.
- Lavrenti Beria: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy peeling the skin from your self-satisfied face.
- Georgy Zhukov: [holds up the little knife and scoffs] Not with that, you won't.
- Lavrenti Beria: [standing over Stalin's unconscious body] Have a long sleep, old man. I'll take it from here.
- Georgy Malenkov: [re: Beria] He deserves a trial, he's one of us!
- Nikita Khrushchev: [fed up with Malenkov's dithering] What about Tukhachevsky and Pyatakov? Did they get a trial? What about Sokolnikov, who begged him to look after his elderly mother? And what did this monster do? He strangled her in front of him! It's too late. The only choice we have is between his death or his revenge. And you will fucking sign this.
- Georgy Malenkov: [reluctantly signs] I want it to go on record, this was not my first course of action.
- Nikita Khrushchev: When you go home, make sure your wife writes down everything you think you said tonight. Alright? This way, in the morning you know what you're dealing with. It's Krushchev's law.
- NKVD Officer Kobulov: Some women will do anything to get their husbands released.
- Lavrenti Beria: Yep, and she did everything. I thank the Union for bringing me so many devoted wives who fuck like sewing machines.