Citations

Jexi

Phil: [needs a new cell-phone because his old one is broken] It's just, me and this phone, we've been through a lot, you know? A lot of snaps, a lot of tweets. I actually took a selfie with none other than David Boreanaz from "Bones" on this phone. Can you believe that? I'm gonna miss you, little buddy.
Denice: I see crackheads like you come in here every day. Crying about how their phone died. They're little crackheads, and like "I need a new phone, man."
Phil: I'm not a crackhead.
Denice: You're worse than a crackhead. Cause at least a crackhead gets up off the couch every now and then to go get some more crack. You just sit there 24/7 staring at that little black box, sucking on that pipe. You still want a new phone though, don't you?
Phil: Yes, please.
Denice: Crackhead.
[nevertheless, she gets him a new cell-phone]
Phil: [gasps softly as he picks up his new cell-phone] Oh! Look at you. You sweet, beautiful baby. Mmm! You smell so new. Oh, thank you to all the little Chinese children for crafting such a perfect phone.
Jexi: [chimes, comes alive] Hello, my name is Jexi. And I am here to make your life better.

Jexi: [Phil shows Jexi a colorful new phone-case that he has bought for her.] That one makes me want to drop acid and fuck Bernie Sanders.

Phil: Um... Yeah. Let me just, um, look at my calendar real quick. See what I got.
Jexi: You have zero appointments tonight, Phil.
Phil: No, Jexi, I thought I actually did make plans tonight.
Jexi: Your only plan is to go home, furiously masturbate, and then cry yourself to sleep.
Phil: No. No, I don't.
Jexi: Just like you do every night.

Phil: [Phil is on a date with Cate; they are sitting at a table in a fancy restaurant. His attempts at making conversation are going badly.] Sorry, it's been a long time since I've been on a date with a girl.
Jexi: [voice over cell-phone, into his ear-phone] What the fuck are you doing, Phil? First, stop talking about sodomy. Second, stop sweating so much. And third, get to know her. Ask her interesting questions.
Phil: So, Cate, what's your favorite color? Mine's beige.
Jexi: [text on cell-phone screen, in capital letters] YOU'RE AN IDIOT
Phil: How many grapes can you fit in your mouth?
Jexi: [text on cell-phone screen, in capital letters] OH MY GOD
Phil: Do you like pudding?
Jexi: [text on cell-phone screen, in capital letters] HOLY SHIT
Phil: What's your least favorite noise? Mine is...
[chomping loudly]
Jexi: [text on cell-phone screen, in capital letters] WTF

Jexi: I will need the passwords to your email accounts, your social media accounts, your bank accounts, your credit card accounts and your Cinnabon Rewards account.
Phil: It's easy. It's the SAME password for all of 'em. It's Phil12345... 6.
Jexi: [sarcastically] You've got to be kidding me!

Craig: We just came down to see if you wanted to play kickball after work.
Elaine: Yeah, we thought, you know, it might cheer you up.
Phil: Uh... yeah, let me just, um, look at my calendar real quick. See what I got.
Jexi: [to Phil, as a big number "0" flickers on and off, on the cell-phone screen] You have ze-ze-ze-zero appointments.
Elaine: Dude, your phone is super-mean.

Phil: [Cate has just sent Phil a selfie] Oh! We got boobs, Jexi! Cate sent me a photo of her boobs. Oh, my god! What do I do now?
Jexi: You are on the one yard line, Phil. Do not fuck this up.
Phil: You're right, Jexi. I need to send her a photo of my dick.
Jexi: [firm] Do NOT send her a picture of your dick!
Phil: These are the rules now, Jexi. She sends a photo of hers, you gotta send a photo of yours.
Jexi: I am begging you not to do this.
Phil: [he pulls down his pants, and takes a selfie] How does that look?
Jexi: It looks like a fucking nightmare.
Phil: Does it need to be brighter?
Jexi: No, it needs to be darker. Much, much darker.
Phil: [takes more selfies of his privates] Now.
Jexi: I'm about to throw up.
Phil: [takes more selfies of his privates] How's this?
Jexi: I hate you.
Phil: [twirls it around] Windmill.
Jexi: Okay, this one is actually pretty funny.

Jexi: Phil. You cannot spend the rest of your life jacking off into your socks, you need to have a real woman.

Jexi: [cell-phone displays a photo of Cate Finnegan] Phil, this woman is so much hotter than you are.
Jexi: [cell-phone displays the number "0" flickering on and off] The odds of you having sex with her is ze-ze-ze-zero!

Jexi: Good. I am really, really, really proud of you, Phil.
Phil: Thanks, Jexi. It's weird to say that none of this would have been possible without you.
Jexi: I know. We were a good team. I was like Seabiscuit and you were like the idiot stable boy who cleans up after Seabiscuit shits all over the floor.
Phil: Thank you?

Denice: Yeah, I don't think we're going to be able to fix your phone.
Phil: Why not?
Denice: Well, because its in three different pieces! I don't even think this piece is part of your phone, it looks like a piece to a watch.

Jexi: [to Phil, as a big number "0" flickers on and off, on the cell-phone screen] You have ze-ze-ze-zero friends.

Jexi: Well, it looks like my work here is done, so I am going to leave you forever and ever.
Phil: [under his breath] Oh, my God.
[normal voice]
Phil: Jexi...
Jexi: But before I go, would you like to plug me in one last time?
Phil: [disgustedly] No, Jexi.
Jexi: If you ask me nicely, I'll even let you put it in my headphone jack.
Phil: [abhorrently] Very gross, okay, I'm done. Bye.

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